Life As an Afterschool Special

Abbott: Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third…
Costello: That’s what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don’t know the fellows’ names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who’s on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playing…
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I’m asking YOU who’s on first.
Abbott: That’s the man’s name.
Costello: That’s who’s name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s who?
Abbott: Yes.

Man on the Bus: You smell nice.

Jamie: Thanks. It’s fantastic.

Man on the Bus: I know. What’s it called?

Jamie: It’s fantasic.

Man on the Bus: I said like it. It smells like cotton candy. But what’s it called.

Jamie: GAH. It’s fantasic.

Man on the Bus: You said that already. Does it have a name.

Jamie: Fantastic

Man on the Bus: So you aren’t going to tell me?

Jamie: For the love of God, the perfume is called Fantastic.

Man on the Bus:Oh. I get it. So can I get your number?

Jamie: Uh, no.

Man on the Bus: Why not?

Jamie: Ummm, I am married.

Man on the Bus: You don’t have a ring.

Jamie: I am allergic to jewlrey.

Man on the Bus: You have earrings in.

Jamie: I am only allergic in my finger.

Man looks at her skeptically

Jamie: I am very sensative.

Man on the bus: So I can’t call you?

Jamie: No. Not even a little bit.

Man on the Bus: This is my stop.

Jamie: Fantastic.

I posted this on the Rumor Forum, but I havent written on my blog in so long I thought I would post it here too.

I have had the WORST headache all day today. Its right under my eyes and is KILLING me.

I am at Centerpoint, which is a massage school, and I told them I had a headache and so far I have been given healing stones, had my shiatsu points on my legs pressed, reflexology done on my hand, and given some terrible ginsing tea.

And none of these things cured my headache.

So I call my dad to chat, and in passing I say “I have a terrible headache… I have had it all day”

And my DAD says “You should hypnotize yourself”

What?!

And my dad says “Yeah, I just got hypnotized” and proceeds to tell me about how I need to regulate my breathing, close my eyes, focus on a happy place like a forest, and not allow headaches into my happy place. And then I will “wake up” with no headache.

What?!

First my mom and her “box” and now my dad and his “happy place”

No wonder I need therepy.

But I laugh and he says “I am serious. I just got hypnotized and learned how to do it myself today. So I quit smoking. Now I am going home to hypnotize Mom.”

What?!

Doesnt anyone believe in asprin anymore?!

I took Spanish for one year in highschool and one year in college. You would think I would be far more fluent than I am, but instead of working hard and studing the language, I dated my TA and got an A. YAY! Now I can flirt in spanish.

Tu es mui guapo! Toca la guitarra? Tengo gusto de músicos!!Usted desea besarme?

Heh.

Despite my utter lack of bilingual skills, I LOVE watching telemundo. Maybe its because they flirt enough for me to have a tiny clue into what they are talking about, but more than likely its because they are so deliciously dramatic.

Seriously! Have you ever watched a Spanish soap opera? They put english versions to shame. Men get angry and break chairs and tear off their shirts in anguish and woman cry and fall to the ground and beg the men not to leave them almost every show. I love it!

My roommates make fun of me because they often come home to find me on the couch glued to a television program I cant understand. They ask me what is happening and I answer “That man who just crushed the glass in his hand and is now bleeding is angry, and the woman who is crying is very sad”

Oh the universal language of drama!

But I have a new favorite game and it makes telmundo even better (as if that were even possible)

Now I watch with the volume turned down low and make up my very own lines. Amy came home the other day and heard me talking in living room. I was by myself, but I was playing all the characters of telemundo at once. Like this:

Angry Spanish Man: How could you do this to me? After all we have been through? After all I have given you? Look at this house! Look at all we have (throws the chair) This chair means nothing to me now. NOTHING!

Crying Spanish Woman: Please. Please. That chair is from Ikea. Do you know how hard it was to get it past customs?! We can work it out. I didnt mean to sleep with your twin brother but it was so dark I didnt know it wasnt you! I didnt know. (she falls to the ground and grabs his leg) Dont leave me!

Angry Spanish Man: You whore! When I found you broken and begging on the streets who was it that came and rescued you? Who was it that gave you a life and a home and furniture from Ikea? It was Me! ME! And this is how you repay me? How could you do this to me? (man throws open door) Get out! Get out now! I never want to see you again!

Crying Spanish Woman: You cant throw me out. I love you. I love you! (woman continues to grovel at mans feet. Suddenly she looks up and dramatic music plays. Close up of her face)

*I just wanted to interrupt to say this is my FAVORITE moment of telemundo. The dramatic music followed by the close up of a characters face. You just know a shocking secret is being revealed*

Crying Spanish Woman: How dare you judge me! No one is perfect! Not even you! We all have secrets. Even you. I know what you keep locked in the attic. (more dramatic music and close up of mans shocked face)

END SCENE

See! Isnt that just the most delciously dramatic fun game ever?! You should play it sometime!

Telemundo, cómo te quiero! Tendría sus bebés.

Just an update…

I have two new positions. One is writing the newsletter and course descriptions for a massage school, and the other is working for Boots, England’s number one cosmetic company.

I am loving it.

Besides the paychecks, I get to use my mad people and writing skills. And I am far far away from corporate America, which allows me to unleash my inner rock star.

So tonight I went and got my hair done. So fun!

America is one of the few countries where people have the right and the ability to instigate change through voting, lobbying, petitioning, and running for office.

If you don’t use your voice, you lose the right to complain.

The blues come over me
I pack it up and go
The blues come over me
I catch the wind and blow

The blues come in a whisper
And make you scream and shout
And you’ll do most anything
Just to let them out

I may think i’m happy
I may think i’m free
Nothing don’t mean nothing
When the blues come over me

The blues come up behind
The blues wait up ahead
The blues ask why you are born
If you just end up dead

The blues, talking about the blues
The blues, oh the blues, the blues
Talking about the blues
When the blues come over me
Talking about the blues
I have to go away
The blues, the blues
When the blues come over me
I have to pack it up and go

BB King ~ The blues come over me

speaking of my cubicle… it’s all in a box now…. and I am unemployed.

Yeah, I got the dirty down I just lost my job and now I dont know what I am going to do with my life stinkin bluuuuuues.

She’s got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I’d stare too long
I’d probably break down and cry
~ Guns and Roses Sweet Child of Mine

(I am not sure what that song has to do with this post, but I like it)

Random thought of the day…

I love my desk at work.

its like pop culture threw up on my cubicle.

Get out the map get out the map
and lay your finger anywhere down
We’ll leave the figuring to those we pass
on our way out of town
Don’t drink the water
there seems to be something ailing everyone
I’m gonna clear my head
I’m gonna drink that sun
I’m gonna love you good and strong
while our love is good and young

Indigo Girls~ Get out the Map

Cleary I need to get out more…

So, I really thought I was well traveled. I am the girl who took a bus from California to Ohio just for the experience of seeing more of the country.

But if you actually count states I have spent any time in and not just drove through, I am not that traveled at all.

And clearly I am a midwest west girl…

create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

so… where do I need to go that I havent been and why?

We gettin’ naughty like, it’s my birthday

A video of me breaking it down (not really… but close)

(tee hee)