Archive for September, 2005

just like i always do.

Tuesday, September 27th, 2005

I am standing on a roof in Long Beach, Mississippi. I won’t pretend that I’m not scared. Clouds that are part of Hurricane Rita keep swirling overhead, and they’ve beat intermittently with rain. For the time being, that rain has subsided, but those swirling clouds bring with them wind, and that wind is blowing harder than I would rather it blow while I am on this roof. Such is par for the course on a weekend spent in the aftermath of a hurricane.

To describe the scenes from Mississippi would be impossible. No words can capture the power of a storm surge, the destruction that is its wake, the smell of its destruction, the sounds of the desolation. Even if that were possible, I’m not sure that the excercise would result in anything more than a kind of pornography, revelling in the shock for its own sake. For the sake of the people who live among the devistation, I will try to avoid turning their losses into any sort of pornography.

Long Beach is split into two sections by a line of railroad tracks, running east to west. We enter the town north of the tracks, and north of the destruction. The scene along the railroad tracks is not one that belongs in America. Strung along their length are two coils of razor wire, quarantining the area south of the railroad tracks. Set up at (what appears to be) random intervals are military check-points. We have whatever it is we need to pass through those check-points and proceed into the quarantined area of town. Here, the problems are more prominent. Trees are down with much more frequency than they were north of tracks. Though we have not yet seen the worst, it is worse than it was before.

Arriving at the first house of the day, the work is simple enough. One tree must be removed from the roof so that FEMA can “blueroof” the house. Blueroofing has entered everyone’s lexicon in Long Beach, since FEMA has plastered hundreds of houses with blue tarps to prevent leaks. Though tiring, the work is straightforward enough, chop, saw, carry, repeat. The wall of limbs and logs piled by the road would have been enough to thrwart all but the most determined invaders.

The downtime after lunch involved an opportunity to “take a walk” down toward the beach, closer to the area where the storm surge had hit. What we found there was nothing short of indescribable. Houses has been flattened, and their remains were strewn everywhere. As far as we could see, “stuff” littered the ground and the streets. To our left was a limousine, washed into a front yard. To our right, a Lexus covered in trees in debris.

The mass of stuff was so overwhelming that at first, individual things were indeterminable. It was just a mess of wood, metal, plastic, trees, bricks. But like focusing on a picture, eventually, small parts of the rubble became clear. The most telling was a plasma tv that lay by the side of the road, its screen shattered beyond all repair. The scene made it all too clear. This is all of our stuff. This is all we chase after and all we long for, and it has all been reduced to a pile of rubble by an act of nature beyond our control. And we are gone, this is what it will all look like — a pile of garbage that we can’t even begin to clean up. This is it. This is our striving. These are our hours of overtime. This is all we have worked for all of our lives, and it amounts to nothing more than a pile of trash. I could’ve sat on that street all day and thought about that. But there was more work to be done.

The afternoon continued much like the morning — moving limbs from one pile to another. Eventually, we found our reprive in another job — nailing plastic sheets to a roof. It was a dream scenario — ladders, a slanted roof, high winds and long plastic sheets, and hammers. It was my chance to prove that, “there were a few normal kid things I kinda missed.” The climb up the ladder was easy enough. The climb down the ladder was harrowing. The plastic’s suddenly sail-like quality was frustrating. The 45 degree angled nails I drove were just comical. We finised quickly enough, and called it a day. We had done good work.

Day 2:

Some lessons you can only learn after the fact. For example, it is true that nature makes a pecan tree much more efficiently than Chevy makes a radiator hose. The plan was well concieved enough. A tow chain and rope looped around a sizeable tree trunk and tied to a trailer hitch would provide the necessary pull to keep the log from falling on the small storage shed that had been built in 1934 as a house for a hired “colored lady.” The execution, however, was lacking.

As we chainsawed at the supporting limbs of the tree with surgical precision, we failed to notice that the truck had been floored, in 3rd gear, for something like a long time. That may have been okay, if a girlfriends picture had not been obsucring the heat gague of the truck. The only way the result can be describe is a loud pop preceeding billows of steam, the strong stench of burning anti-freezing and the strange combination of horror and laughter that only incidents like this could provoke. That the truck and the shed survived is a feat attributable only to divine intervention.

Though we only spent 2 days in Long Beach, (and 2 more on the road), there are no shortage of stories to tell, both those involving first person pronouns and those involving third person pronouns. It was, no doubt, a weekend of stories. It would be easy enough to leave ready to be patted on the back for being willing to go to the Gulf Coast and lend a weekend of help. That’s not what I want. I won’t play the game of false humility — we did good work. However, what we did was insignificant when compared to the big picture. What we did was probably bred out of all the wrong motivations. That I took the time to write this in a space where people read it probably reflects that. However, there was, as there always is, a story to tell.

lately i’ve been thinking about pretty strange things.

Wednesday, September 21st, 2005

My music choices lately have been odd. Lots of old Bruce Springsteen. Sufjan Stevens. Woody Guthrie. Most people I know don’t like any of that. Most girls I know like it even less. Driving home yesterday, I had to laugh at myself. I was in my car, listening to Woody Guthrie, in his “old-timey,” nasal twang sing, “If you ain’t got the Do-Rei-Me.” (A song I’m sure you’ve never heard.) I realized that most girls would probably think that I was the weirdest dude on their planet, and go tell their friends about it. Sure, I could try to explain the million reasons WHY I like Woody Guthrie, and why his voice doesn’t irritate me. But should I have to? From this point forward, I’m going to believe that there is, out there, some girl who can get into my car, and listen to Woody Guthrie, and we can both do it unapologetically.

The line starts here.

the myth of redemptive violence.

Friday, September 16th, 2005

I’m stealing that title from Walter Wink’s terminology, and this post is basically an outworking of me trying to process the things he shares in “The Powers That Be.” Just so you know that I didn’t make any of this up.

The absolute key to understand pacifism is understanding that redemptive violence is an utter falsehood. The mythology of our culture is that violence has the ability to redeem situations that are not working in our favor. The truth is that violence only has the ability to exacerbate those situation.

Violence is never redemptive because it is never final. One act of violence cannot end violence. War cannot war. Rather, it begins a cycle of violence. A punch requires puch returned. Violence is not redemptive because violence cannot be redemptive.

Never before has violence been redemptive. Each of our attempts to use violence as a redemption has failed, and those attempts will always fail. This is key to understanding any sort of pacifism — understanding that violence will not work because cannot work.

It’s that simple. Violence will not work because it cannot work. No matter the instance, a violent reprisal will only meet with more violent reprisals, making situations worse. There has been no example wherein violence has been redemptive (no, not even in World War II), and there will be no example in which violence can ever be redemptive.

and they shall burn my blog.

Thursday, September 15th, 2005

When you’re eleven, you still believe that you may wake up in the morning and find that magic is something real. You still believe that you may find you are different than everyone else, that you can do things that no one else can do, that all the stories you read might become real.

When you’re twenty-three, you’ve no time for things like magic. Morning’s waking, you know, will only bring more of the same. There is no magic in the world. Only the same greed and corruption of evil people and the same toil that we cannot escape in the living of this life.

Perhaps when I am eighty-seven I will have found a way to be eleven again, and I can wake each morning hoping that I have found some magic in the world and that discovery will lead me to the purpose for which I was long ago called. Either way, maybe there is magic in these days after all.

what makes him storm, what makes him stand

Thursday, September 8th, 2005

Where is the line drawn between what a man wants to do and what a man has to do?

What is the point between responsibility and selfishness at which we have gone too far?

Tomorrow, I have to get up and go to work. That means I have to shave. I haven’t shaved since Tuesday, and I like the stubble I have going. I’d love to keep it, and grow a beard. Fall is coming. That’s beard season.

But I can’t. I work at a job that dictates what I must do with my facial hair. When I think about that, it makes me want to quit (that’s not the only reason, just one of many). But I make good money. I have bills to pay. So I’ll get up tomorrow morning, and I’ll shave.

But do I have to? Do I have to live a life where I (taking it as a metaphor) have to shave?

Am I just going to be miserable for the rest of my life because somebody else is telling me what to do? Do I have to be a slave to the paycheck?

good eats.

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

That I’m writing this probably means that I’ve been reading too much Wendell Berry, which probably isn’t a bad thing. And it’s also the second entry today.

Most Americans eat terribly. This time, I’m making no reference to what we eat. Rather, the problem is with how we eat. I thought today about how I eat. It is usually alone. It is often hurried. Eating isn’t something I often get to enjoy, it’s just a routine piece of self-maintenance that I do so that I don’t die.

Eating was never meant to happen this way. It was never meant to be a solitary act, rushed and unappreciated, filled with pre-cooked, pre-packaged food of which we are clueless in regards to its origins, its preparation, it’s destination. It was never meant to be “squeezed in” between events that probably aren’t that important anyway. Eating should never be an inconvenience.

The two things I want to say should be obvious:

1) Eating, I believe, should happen in community. Meals are meant to be shared. There’s no other way to say it. In their own right, meals should be little communions — places where some community of people can come together over eating, and where those communities can be built by the shared time. Whether those communities are families, or groups of friends, or something else, eating should happen in community. Eating alone at some booth at a restaraunt is not how eating should happen. Eating in front of the television while it entertains me is not how I was meant to eat. Eating in way that completely robs us of community completely robs the beauty of the food.

Ideally, eating in community would occur because people will have participated, or be somehow connected with the preparing of the food in some way other than just buying it. Whether in the preparation of the food, the growing of the food, or any number of ways I can’t think of, if people are involved in the food, it changes everything about the food. Surely it would solve some of health problems — those of quantity for sure. Above that, it ensures a connection with the food that must mean that we will enjoy it more. It is our product. It is something we have been involved in. And even if it is not ours, perhaps it is Mr. Emerson’s who lives on Route 42, and we know his grandchildren because they go to church with us. Either way, we are somehow connected to the food we’re eating. It is not something that appears mysteriously at our stores from which the waste is carted off to a mysterious place never to be seen again. It is something that can allow us to participate in the life of our community.

(I think I stole most of that from Wendell Berry in some way or another. For the record.)

Simpler than that, the process of eating is a great opportunity for community. A group gathered around a table is one of the greatest opportunities for community we posses. Eating is what we all must do. It is vital for life. And if we believe life to be good, then eating must be a part of what makes this life the good life. That leads to the second point.

2) Eating should be a pleasure. I can think of few better times than sitting around a table with my family, or with my friends, and eating — especially if we have prepared the food we are eating. It’s fun. Sharing good food, and sharing community with people we love could never be a burden. Rather, it would always be a blessing. How could it not be?

We have come to view eating as an inconvenience. A lunch break is a detriment to “productivity.” Having to eat or fix a meal is a burden, distracting us from some other “good.” The problem is that we don’t realize that good eating IS a good. Part of the issue is that our eating is rarely good eating.

I rarely have a choice in the matter, however. I have an hour to eat between shifts — not much time to prepare any sort of good meal, meaning I have to eat at a restaraunt, usually alone. I work at a restaraunt. That means that while everyone else is eating, I’m working. So I have to eat after everyone else has finished eating. That means I usually don’t get to eat with anyone else. So my eating is rarely good eating, and I don’t see any way to change that any time in the future, and that frustrates me severely.

The point is this — we should think about how we eat, and we should make every effort to eat well, and to reclaim something essential about who we are.

perhaps a fedora

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

when i am old i will wear hats
i will walk down the street with my head held high
you will not be able to laugh at me enough
in my hat
i will smile and wave politely and stop to admire birds and leaves and cracks in the sidewalk
in my hat

when i am old i will be oblivious to fashion
trends will be a thing of which i am unaware
you will not be able to laugh at me enough
in my hat
i will wear clothes that i have owned for thirty years that were not fashionable on the day i bought them
in my hat

when i am old i will whistle
i will trill some tune that you’ve never heard of
you will not be able to laugh at me enough
in my hat
i will song songs that nobody had heard of when they made them and certainly have not now
in my hat

when i am old i will not shave
my grand white beard will be a sight to behold
you will not be able to laugh at me enough
in my hat
i will trim it only occasionally, but never occasionally enough for the people on the street
in my hat

when i am old i will watch cartoons
they will be just as entertaining as they were fifty years before
i will not be able to laugh at them enough
in my hat
i will sit with my grandchildren and let the golden age entertain us long into the night
in my hat

when i am old i will wear hats
i will walk down the street with my head held high
you will not be able to laugh at me enough
in my hat
i will smile and wave politely and stop to admire birds and leaves and cracks in the sidewalk
in my hat