tangled up in knots someone else tied.
I haven’t been to church in months. I can’t say that I miss it. I remind myself that I should go, but it’s mostly out of a sense of duty and nostalgia.
I haven’t thought much about things like God lately, or approached anything that could be considered a “relationship with God.” (Is that ever in the Bible, by the way?)
That’s very odd for me. Those two things have been an incredibly significant part of my life for a lot of years.
So what the hell happened?
I don’t have any problem with the idea of Christianity. In fact, I still find it quite amazing and the absolute best way to live life. Who can have a problem being created by an utterly loving God who is the ruler of the entire universe? Who has an issue with loving the other with the same intensity as one’s own itself? I could go on for days. Looking at Jesus finds little that it objectionable. It finds things that are tough, odd, and downright impossible, but little that one can object to simply on principle.
But yet I am lately finding myself with absolutely no motivation to participate. At all.
That has to be a problem. I don’t think that once can believe in something without believing in community and participating within community. To believe something in solitude is cheap and disingenuous. If faith doesn’t put a person in dialogue with a community, then I think that faith is pretty useless.
But, I have no desire to participate in any of the incarnations of American Christianity that are around me. I could write a novel (and maybe I should) on why I don’t want to participate in those things and don’t find them faithful to the goals of their namesake.
So I don’t participate, and largely grow apathetic. I wish I could believe myself to be strong enough to participate as a dissenting member of a community with the goal of reform — but I know that I will inevitably succumb to the groupthink and conform.
So where in the hell do you even start with something like that?
March 4th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
I think you start with something like that on the corner of “suck it up” and “get over yourself”.
I mean, look at what you wrote. It is largely just whining.
Would you rather be reckoned as one who diligently tried to live out his faith in the community of faith as he believed all are called … or be reckoned as one who had a lot of bright ideas and good intentions but no follow through or substance where it counted most?
Granted, I only know you via the boards and here … but the latter doesn’t seem like the Josh I know.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
I wish it were only whining.
I think I’m the kinda guy that would cop to it if it were just whining.
I genuinely think that this is something completely different.
April 9th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I know I’m late to the conversation but it reminded me of something that I am going through as well of late. Liz and I attended Southland fairly regularly for a good while, mostly because I believe in their good works in the community such as the free medical clinics they are trying to start, helping the homeless, sex industry workers, etc. However, the concept of big church on Sunday mornings is really about as enticing as vanilla pudding these days. I enjoy John’s sermons sometimes, but I can get those on a podcast and listen to them at work. The biggest reason I’ve found lately to attend was a Wed. night series from an Asbury professor on the Old Testament.
Anyway, Liz and I made it to church this past Sunday only to really want to leave about halfway through, which we did. Part of me felt guilty, but honestly I couldn’t find any basis in it no matter how hard I searched. I can’t say that I’m in the same exact spot as you, but I will say that I can relate to loving all there is about Christianity at it’s core but not really being excited about it in practice. I feel more connected to my beliefs and connections than I have probably ever in my life - all while being strangely disconnected.
As a side note, knowing you better than just reading your material, I agree that you are pretty self-aware of being anything, much less whiny.