Through a Glass, Darkly

A few months ago I got one of those silly “tell about yourself” forwards. I love talking about myself, so I filled it out. The only question I remember is, “What is the worst feeling in the world?” Some of my (super-spiritual) friends put things like, “being far from God.” My answer was just one word: loneliness.

Over the past year, my main struggle has been dealing with loneliness. Last year about this time, I parted ways with my best friend of seven years. I won’t lie - it’s been incredibly hard. It was the right decision, because in many ways we outgrew each other, but I have gone from having someone (I thought) I could always count on to feeling as if I’m not anyone’s top priority. (When I say that, Mike reminds me that I am his top priority. But you all understand what I mean, right?) And that doesn’t even take into consideration the hurt I have had at the way the friendship ended.

I hang out with a group of three really fun girls. Two of them are getting married this year, and the third had a baby last night! They are probably my closest friends at this time in my life. But last night I was reminded (yet again) that I need them a lot more than they need me. They all have other people they are closer to, which makes me feel like the odd woman out. It’s hard when friendships are unbalanced like that. I worry about being too super-needy.

Mike says that, since I so desire to have a best friend, that the Lord will provide one. That I need to be patient. I am afraid that he’s wrong. I fear that there’s something wrong with me - that there’s a reason that I’m no one’s top priority. That there’s a reason that my former friend didn’t make our friendship a priority, and that I wasted too much time with her. Time that I could have spent building a more substantial relationship with someone else.

I’m tired of the empty hole in my heart.

In complete contradiction to what I wrote last week, the song that has been constantly in my head the past few days is:

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus
Oh, for grace to trust Him more.

The snow is pouring down once again. I tried to get my coworkers to make snow angels with me before I left, but they all declined. I noticed a different feel to the snow day this time, though. Back in January, when we had the first snow of the season, all my coworkers were antsy and kept checking to see how it was going outside (which made me feel good - I am quite the youngest in my department, so it was nice to see that grownups - because I don’t consider myself one yet - still get antsy and excited about snow). This time, with the snow really coming down and the roads getting dangerous, there was a lot more seriousness and urgency than there had been before. I was glad to make it home safely, and now I just want to curl up on the couch with a mug of tea.

This has been quite an odd week. I have been challenged to laugh at myself, which I am not good at. At all. I am thankful to be with Mike, who helps me see the humor in my mistakes. And I am thankful to have very forgiving friends.

This morning I read, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” I put a lot of time and effort into projecting a very pulled-together image. I share things with my friends, but only up to a point. There are places in my heart where I don’t allow anyone. Having that image chipped away is painful. The wall around my heart - well, I’m already used to that.

“I’d rather feel the pain all too familiar than be broken by a lover I don’t understand.” - Jars of Clay

Every year I find myself struggling to come up with something to give up for Lent. Last year I gave up a website where I spend a lot of my days. Which meant I found other websites where I still wasted time, but I did find more time for prayer and reflection.

My life was pretty much falling apart this time last year. I honestly don’t know how I finished my projects for my classes, or how I was able to get stuff done in time to graduate. I flat-out don’t remember. For my Business Reference class, I did a huge project on Netflix. I look at it now, and I don’t remember doing the work.

What I do remember about last year is that I felt closer to God than I have in a long time. He was right there with me, getting me through the days. Maybe he even did my homework for me - I am honestly not sure. What we celebrate during Lent is that he came here, experienced temptation and life just as we do, and that he overcame. If I felt lonely or sad or betrayed, well, I just had to look at Scripture and see that he felt the same when he was here. I don’t worship an inaccessible God. I worship one who knows what it’s like to be a human on earth, and who can help me live as he did.

At least part of that was because I didn’t have the site or those friends to distract myself with. (I am by no means saying that none of the discussions I have there are edifying, but we do shoot a lot of breeze.) I couldn’t escape my problems by goofing off and being silly.

I wonder why I allow myself to fill my day with busy-ness. Why don’t I allow myself to experience that closeness to Jesus year-round?

So, this year I still haven’t decided what (if anything) to give up for Lent. But my prayer is that this year’s Lent will spring me into a Lenten attitude year-round.

I have a great dentist. He and his hygenists are very personable, and they don’t hurt me. I don’t mind going to the dentist now, for the first time in my life.

Mike and I both had appointments this month. Normally we don’t, but we both pushed our appointments back for various reasons. Mike’s was last week, and mine was today.

As I was leaving, Dr. Booth said, “Now you and Mike have clean teeth in the same month! I hope you guys really get to enjoy that!”

I was more than a little embarassed, but I told Mike, and he thought it was awesome. Silly boys!

I am almost done with The Middle of Everywhere by Mary Pipher. It’s the book that Greensboro Public Library has chosen for this year’s all-city read. (I did my internship on the last all-city read that GPL did, and it feels weird to not be in on all the minute details of this one. Weird, but good.) The book is about how the town of Lincoln, Nebraska has dealt with the changes that come from thousands of refugees from 52 countries settling in Lincoln, and was chosen for Greensboro because we have a fairly large refugee population (as well as a large Hispanic contingent).

Last time, Greensboro read a novel together. This is a non-fiction book, and while reading it, I have been undecided as to whether I think it’s a good choice or not. I have finally decided that I do like the book, although I don’t think they’ll have as many people read it as they did last time.

What has struck me the most while reading it is how easy my life is. There are people seriously suffering in the world, and we barely hear about it. I had no idea of the horrors that were happening in some of these countries. This has been a fairly emotional week for me in general, and I have been on the verge of tears many times while reading this book. It’s also hard to think that many of them see America as the answer, and then they get here and can only find minimum wage jobs in factories, and their sons and daughters watch too much TV and get involved with gangs or drugs. There are many good things about America, but there is also a dark side that can be hard for refugees to escape because of lack of knowledge and money.

My favorite quote so far: “I looked at Joseph. He was smiling a small slow smile. He was thinking that the crossing [from Sudan to Ethiopia to Kenya, and finally to America], the cold of Nebraska, the difficulties of dealing with us beefy Midwesterners - all his efforts were for this. His sister was no longer a servant. She could go to school. She would learn to read books and play piano. She would be a respected person.”

I think about myself entirely too much.

One of my all-time favorite things is when a band plays the opening notes to a song (without announcing what the song is) and the audience recognizes it and goes wild. Mike and I were talking about this a few weeks ago when we were listening to Patty Griffin’s live CD. Patty’s crowds are a little more subdued than some others, but you can still hear them cheer for the opening notes of “Rain” and “Goodbye,” among others.

As far as experiencing that personally, the most vivid memory I have is when we saw the Counting Crows at the Myrtle Beach House of Blues in October 2002. I have seen them four or five times, but that was definitely the best. And when Dave played the opening notes to “Mr. Jones,” and the audience exploded, well, it was great. (So sue me. I still love “Mr. Jones,” especially live.)

I was thinking about that this morning because Mike made me a mix CD a few weeks ago, and one of the songs is the infamous Counting Crows song “August and Everything After” that has finally come to light. I like the song pretty well, though I definitely don’t think it’s one of their best. My favorite part is when everyone cheers when Adam sings the words “August and everything after” for the first time. It would have been cool to be there for that.

Have you met my theory that God Doesn’t Do Free Throws, Awards Shows, Or Reality Television? It’s one of my favorites. God is busy, Danielle. It’s like the way you don’t bother your mom to break up fights between you and your sister when she’s relaxing in the tub. Come to think of it, that will work. Think of God as in the tub, Danielle.

When I read the above, I knew it was an instant classic. Mike and I watch a lot of reality television (actually, now that I think about it, the only shows we watch are reality television), and as far as I am concerned, there are far too many reality show contestants who petition “God” to help them with those silly challenges. I take great pleasure in saying, “IN THE TUB!” when I hear contestants praying.

But where it really resonated with me is the free throw issue. I would like to propose that it extends to sports in general. I don’t pray about sports anymore - every sporting event I ever prayed about, my team lost. Every single one. I can’t decide if I think that God doesn’t care about sports or what. As a Christian, I think that God cares about everything. But I have seen some evil teams emerge victorious over my teams (which, of course, are the pinnacle of all that is good and right on the earth). I think God watches quite a lot of sports while in the tub.

I was really challenged a few weeks ago when a friend of mine (who is not a sports fan) asked me why I like sports so much. I didn’t really have a good answer. I am a pretty competitive person, and I appreciate athleticism even though I’m not athletic myself. I also enjoy feeling like I’m involved in a community of other people who are rooting and hoping for the same thing. After the Panthers lost the Superbowl, I was actually pretty sad for a day or two. I really enjoyed the frenzy that the entire state was in - being connected to other people just because of our Panthers sweatshirts. In the height of my crazy UNC basketball fandom days, I would be absolutely devastated when my team lost. It would ruin my entire week. I have gotten a lot better, but it’s not actually been me moderating how I feel. I just don’t follow Carolina as closely as I used to. I really would love to get to the point where I can watch and enjoy sports without being so emotionally invested in them. Since there’s no rhyme or reason to which teams win and which teams lose, after all.

Maybe I should get this shirt to wear during March Madness. And during October. And the Olympics. And the Superbowl. I better get more than one.

If God wants you to have that house, you can’t stop Him. -Alisa

I thought, rather than responding to the comments, I’d just make this a new post. Alisa is absolutely right. I do believe that, if God wants us to live there, we will.

It’s complicated, though.

The aforementioned Great Disappointment was something that happened almost seven years ago (so it’s not as if I haven’t gotten over something that happened two weeks ago). It was something that was really important to me, probably the most important thing in my life at the time, and it didn’t work out. I had prayed about it a lot, and, really, God was the only one who could have made it work. But he didn’t. And, to this day, I don’t understand it. Obviously God doesn’t owe me a reason, but he often does give reasons that help us be at peace with things, and so we can see his greatness and understand his plan. There has not yet been any understanding on my part regarding this issue, and it’s still a huge wound in my heart.

Because of that, I have in the past started freaking out when big things come up, because I am afraid they won’t work out, that the rug will be pulled out from under me. More recently, I just don’t hope for things. Mike is very very excited about our new house. I am taking a wait-and-see approach. I’ll believe it when our boxes are actually in the house. I don’t want to let it become important to me, because I feel very afraid that God will take it away from me for no apparent reason.

Somewhere along the line, I have lost sight of God’s love for me, and I see him as completely arbitrary or a strict disciplinarian - only doing stuff to “teach me a lesson.” I don’t walk around in my daily life thinking, “God is out to get me,” but when something big comes up, I always seem to revert to that way of thinking.

Living without hope is not a fun way to live. The scriptures teach that hope is very important in the life of a believer. I don’t know how to turn this over to God, when he’s the one who caused these hard things to happen. I don’t know how to take that step and trust him. I feel kind of stuck.

We all have days where things just seem to go wrong. This morning I had a meeting, and I had to talk about some things that are really hard for me. Because of a Great Disappointment I had several years ago, I have some serious trust issues with God. When big things (like buying a house) come up, I assume the worst. Everything has worked out really well for us to buy a house so far, but I am expecting it to fall through at any moment. And I expect that to be for no reason whatsoever. Just because God is arbitrary, and he does things like that. These are hard things to admit to myself, let alone talk about.

Then we had to go sign some papers for our loan. I hate talking about money. My mind shuts down. I am good at math, but not things like mortgages. I get overwhelmed. So, in an already fragile emotional state, I got really frustrated while working out our mortgage. There were some questions I was asked that I wasn’t sure what the lady was looking for. I am seriously embarassed that money intimidates me so much. This is the year 2004! I am a modern woman! What is my problem?

After we left (and I cried a bit), I came to work. Where I received an email that let me know I messed up big time on something (not work-related). It wasn’t even 1:00, and I wanted to hide under my desk.

I take back what I said yesterday. It would have been great if it had snowed enough to keep us home today.

In related news, there are more house updates to come. Stay tuned.

I’m shivering here in my corner, with my heater aimed at my feet and hot black coffee in my hands. We have gotten a lot more snow than usual this year. It makes me glad not to be in school anymore, and not having to worry about making up the snow days.

I made it into work just fine, with only a little slipping and sliding in Greensboro. With all the rain we got yesterday morning, they couldn’t salt the roads like they had hoped. It looks like the sun is doing its work, though, and we should be ready for the next round tomorrow. Hopefully that one won’t bring the snow they are predicting.

Since I’ve started working, the concept of snow days is completely different. I don’t have someone telling me whether to come in or not. I get to make that decision for myself. When it snowed in January and I had to make the call, it was kind of shocking. I guess it’s just another step in the direction of adulthood.

Do you feel again the glow
Of knowing you’re on holiday
You ran around in your nightclothes
Like when you were nine
And you don’t know what it is
That maybe, could be coming
Just like Christmas it is
A good surprise for tearing open

No work today only childhood things
No blue sky but happy, happy is
Maybe the thrill of what snow was
Coming back a little bit
Maybe the thrill of what happy, happy is
Winter at nine.

God’s blessings aren’t always [or even usually] financial. But sometimes, like today, they are.

In high school, I never had a boyfriend. (Side note: I have always wondered if my former classmates are amused that I got married so early, since I didn’t date much. Probably they don’t think about me at all.) I was mostly okay with not having a boyfriend, because I didn’t go to school with a lot of guys I really wanted to date. In case any of them one day read this, I will say that many of them were and are very nice guys, but we just didn’t have a lot in common. And I was no catch in those days myself.

It got hard at Valentine’s Day, though. I still didn’t want to go out with any of those guys in particular, but I did want someone to send me roses to school. Every year massive amounts of roses and balloons would get sent to the school. It would fill the stage in the auditorium. And all the happy people with significant others would pick up their roses and smile, while the rest of us would just be reminded that we were alone and unwanted. Things have changed a lot since I was in high school. I wonder if security even allows flowers to be delivered to schools. They could have anthrax or something on them.

Now, of course, I spend Valentine’s Day with my husband. Married people tend to think of V-Day as just another day. Another day where we have to buy something for our spouse, or get dressed up and go out to dinner. This is offensive to a lot of my single friends, because the point is that we aren’t alone on this holiday that is all about relationships. Sometimes Valentine’s Day just makes me sad.