Ramblings on my Faith
If God wants you to have that house, you can’t stop Him. -Alisa
I thought, rather than responding to the comments, I’d just make this a new post. Alisa is absolutely right. I do believe that, if God wants us to live there, we will.
It’s complicated, though.
The aforementioned Great Disappointment was something that happened almost seven years ago (so it’s not as if I haven’t gotten over something that happened two weeks ago). It was something that was really important to me, probably the most important thing in my life at the time, and it didn’t work out. I had prayed about it a lot, and, really, God was the only one who could have made it work. But he didn’t. And, to this day, I don’t understand it. Obviously God doesn’t owe me a reason, but he often does give reasons that help us be at peace with things, and so we can see his greatness and understand his plan. There has not yet been any understanding on my part regarding this issue, and it’s still a huge wound in my heart.
Because of that, I have in the past started freaking out when big things come up, because I am afraid they won’t work out, that the rug will be pulled out from under me. More recently, I just don’t hope for things. Mike is very very excited about our new house. I am taking a wait-and-see approach. I’ll believe it when our boxes are actually in the house. I don’t want to let it become important to me, because I feel very afraid that God will take it away from me for no apparent reason.
Somewhere along the line, I have lost sight of God’s love for me, and I see him as completely arbitrary or a strict disciplinarian - only doing stuff to “teach me a lesson.” I don’t walk around in my daily life thinking, “God is out to get me,” but when something big comes up, I always seem to revert to that way of thinking.
Living without hope is not a fun way to live. The scriptures teach that hope is very important in the life of a believer. I don’t know how to turn this over to God, when he’s the one who caused these hard things to happen. I don’t know how to take that step and trust him. I feel kind of stuck.
February 18th, 2004 at
When you get to heaven you and Joseph (of the many colored coat fame) can compare notes.
February 18th, 2004 at
Are you making fun of me?
I know my life isn’t as hard as many people’s, and I’m grateful for that.
February 18th, 2004 at
:whack: Brian.
It is easy to one-dimensionalize God. Been there.
February 18th, 2004 at
Kari, I love your blog. Keep up the good work.
February 18th, 2004 at
NO NO NO…you people always assume the worst about me.
I wasn’t saying you don’t have problems…I was saying that Christianity is marked by what we percieve are dissapointments and let down but, in the end work out for something better than we wanted. Unfortunately, we may not know what until long after.
I’ll stop talking now.
February 18th, 2004 at
hehe, I figured that was what you meant, Brian, but I couldn’t resist giving you a hard time. You are right, though, that I could just need more time to gain the perspective I need on my situation. Maybe there’s nothing I can do but be patient.
And, thank you, Adam!
February 28th, 2004 at
[...] Filed under: General God — Kari @ 1:13 pm
In complete opposition to what I wrote last week, the song that has been constantly in my head th [...]
August 3rd, 2007 at
so i’m a total stranger-my mom found your blog when she was searching for commentary on Crossing to Safety and has become quite a fan of yours-but this post just spoke right to my little heart. I too seem to have forgotten that God is loving and gentle and have lately like He’s some kind of celestial meanie. I hope we both figure out how to get unstuck.