It Makes Me Think Twice When I Pick My Friends
A few months ago I got one of those silly “tell about yourself” forwards. I love talking about myself, so I filled it out. The only question I remember is, “What is the worst feeling in the world?” Some of my (super-spiritual) friends put things like, “being far from God.” My answer was just one word: loneliness.
Over the past year, my main struggle has been dealing with loneliness. Last year about this time, I parted ways with my best friend of seven years. I won’t lie - it’s been incredibly hard. It was the right decision, because in many ways we outgrew each other, but I have gone from having someone (I thought) I could always count on to feeling as if I’m not anyone’s top priority. (When I say that, Mike reminds me that I am his top priority. But you all understand what I mean, right?) And that doesn’t even take into consideration the hurt I have had at the way the friendship ended.
I hang out with a group of three really fun girls. Two of them are getting married this year, and the third had a baby last night! They are probably my closest friends at this time in my life. But last night I was reminded (yet again) that I need them a lot more than they need me. They all have other people they are closer to, which makes me feel like the odd woman out. It’s hard when friendships are unbalanced like that. I worry about being too super-needy.
Mike says that, since I so desire to have a best friend, that the Lord will provide one. That I need to be patient. I am afraid that he’s wrong. I fear that there’s something wrong with me - that there’s a reason that I’m no one’s top priority. That there’s a reason that my former friend didn’t make our friendship a priority, and that I wasted too much time with her. Time that I could have spent building a more substantial relationship with someone else.
I’m tired of the empty hole in my heart.
February 29th, 2004 at
Ah, I understand you so much Kari. Maybe we should be each other’s best friend then.
But the part that hit me hard was you feel you invested so much and now they are gone. I was sombered with the same feeling this afternoon. As much as you feel alone, your not alone in the sense others have been there or are there too.
March 1st, 2004 at
All I know, Kari, is that you’ve been a good friend to me for the past year.
March 1st, 2004 at
Thanks, guys.
March 2nd, 2004 at
Oh, Kari…I so understand, as you know. I know we’ve talked about this before. I have the same fears and concerns and frustrations when it comes to friendship. And I so desire to just have a “best friend”…or “bosom friend”, but it never seems to work out that way. All my best friends have bester friends than me. And for what it’s worht…I think you are great, and don’t think that your friendship situation is this way because there is something wrong with you.
March 21st, 2004 at
[...] essor. I tend to do much better when I talk out my problems. I think the hardest part of losing my best friend has been the lack of som [...]
April 23rd, 2004 at
[...] in self-pity mode, unfortunately. Today it’s about being left out. It’s the same old, same old “nobody picks me firs [...]
April 23rd, 2005 at
I completely understand. My best friend, who I always needed more than she needed me, ‘broke up’ with me two months ago and hasn’t spoken to me since outside the walls of our workplace. And I still don’t know why. I have never had an equal friendship with another female, I always need them more and they always have better friends than me.
January 16th, 2006 at
a know how u feel a thought a was the only person out there hwo had this feelin, in said me but a guss av always thought a wud never lose her but my life is died now i wish a gud make a new best friend but a cant and all a wont to know is hwo to make her be my best friend or know a am her best freind
February 18th, 2006 at
One of my best friends was so on my nerves that i told her off in a big way recently. My biggest hurt is that another friend who had been a lot closer to me than the “best friend” has chosen to stop speaking to me also. I am healing; I have a lot of other close friends as well as my Godmother and closest friend…but losing ANYONE in any way hurts. I keep telling myself that this will tak time. and I know that it WILL…and that it is meant to be that this girl and I had to part ways.
February 14th, 2007 at
Today I lost a piece of my heart and it is beating a bit unsteady. My dearest friend needs to say goodbye. Though I ache, I understood from her view and what is needed for her to become healthy. I want to run, to not feel this deep ache. I want to call and talk to best friend about what has happened, but it is her who has become quite. While I support her and will hold her in prayer…….how long will this vacant place ache? Will I be able to open up again, try again, belive again, hope again and of course there is trust. Just thought I would put this out in the cosmos to people I have no conncection with. I believe life comes out of change…..I will just miss her.
June 13th, 2007 at
Kari, i can understand you completely. I’m definitly in a similar situation…It always seems to me that my best friend doesn’t care about me…We had many discussions but it’s always me who’s losing. I can’t even remember the number of tears i’ve shed because of her. Sometimes I really think it’s my mistake, because maybe i’m too emotional. Actually I thought i’d be a strong personality, but next to her i feel so vulnerable. And the worst thing is that she doesn’t understand. It seems to me that i give so much to her, do everything, listen to her, help her, but i’m getting nothing back. That’s why I often feel so exhausted…and it’s so difficult for me to not think about this mess. I just hope that someday she will realize that there is noone out there who can be a friend like me.
Farewell and good luck to everybody who has to be sad about a releationship that should be the most normal thing in life.
June 26th, 2007 at
Hi Kari, Have not come to this web page in some months and yet felt this am to find my way here again. My response may be a bit long, and hope that when you eyes land here you will consider taking the time to read another’s heart and the jagged paths we sometimes have to walk through on our journey home. I have a dear friend in my life, although at present there is silence between us in the physical, I am sure of her love in my heart and spirit. Even in all the pain I cannot imagine my life now had she not been in it for all those years. I love her and look to the day when we can touch base again. It may not be the same as we had known, I trust that it will be fuller since we shall each be healthier than when we parted.That does not make the transition from being incredibly active in each others lives and all that comes with that, but it does bring a deep sense of peace in the knowing that when our Father says in His word that there are seasons for everything, that is where I find my comfort and most of all my hope. I do not pretend to get or understand most of this lifes mysteries, but I do trust the giver of my life to be working in my heart to cause me to become the person He created me to become. Though it may not make any sense to you, and on some days ache as though you cannot stand it, I encourage you to remember all the good, joy, walking through hard times together, making memories, and cherish that place in the makeup of who you are as a gift. To maybe just for a moment step back, breath in deeply and ponder the idea that maybe it was indeed Him who has been distance between you for both of your lives and heart to become fuller and more closer to Him. You had said that you are not anyone’s top priority? Ok, so I may hope in my heart and trust I am God’s, still in the day to day when you see others who have that someone special they put before everyone else…………it touches that place in me, in you in each of us who desire to be known, seen and heard like that. Still, I would encourage you in this, Though you may not see Him, or on days He may not be what you think is enough…………each of us are His children and we are each His top priority. There is a very small book out called “God Calling” it is a devotional written from two women and their journey with the Father on their way home. Their names are not known as that is how they agreed for the book to be published. Life can be so difficult and unpredictable…..still Kari, there is One that is constant and no matter what has found its way into my life in this broken world we live in is His word, it has never failed me in or on any point. He is our Heavenly Father and one day, we will walk into His presence and in that moment we will know. I hope over the last few months you have been able to let the dust of this sorrow settle so that you have been able to see your way clear to walk into the future that awaits you. I hope your heart finds encouragment today. Be blessed and don’t give up the risk of reaching out to love, taking steps to risk caring and loving again. In His grace and hope……………lyd
May 23rd, 2008 at
Kari- Wow! I could never put into words how I felt about my current situation with my best friend- but your words said it all.Our friendship has lasted 18 years. We have seen each other through high school, college, grad school, engagements, weddings, and children. We have spent everysingle vacation together with our husbands and children for the past ten years. I introduced my best friend to a new friend I had made at work. At first I thought it was so great that we all got along and then eventually it seemed that I was the odd man out. I dont know if it was my perception of being left out that started before the actual leaving outbegan. Either way I feel like I have been replaced. It is quite hurtful and you nailed it on the head that you were upset that you were not your best friend’s top priority. That is how I feel. I feel like 18 years meant nothing and that I was the biggest fool on the planet. As much as I totally feel horrible for your situation, it is reassuring to know that I am not the only person on the planet that feels like this.