Well I’m drunk on self-pity
Last night I fell asleep before Mike got home and slept straight on through to his alarm going off at 5:30 this morning. I was tired. Self-pity can do that to you.
Yesterday on the Rumor Forum, Rhonda asked how one takes every thought captive. My answer had to do with not allowing yourself to dwell on things you shouldn’t, whether it’s lustful thoughts or bitterness or “what might have beens.” It was a good answer, but not something I practice all that much, myself. Lately I have been thinking quite a lot on what might have been, and feeling pretty sorry for myself about how some things have turned out. Did I make huge mistakes, I wonder? Would I be happier if I had made different decisions? Am I doomed forever? (Okay, maybe that last one is a little overly dramatic.) Yesterday I made a concerted effort to stop my brain when it began to ramble down that path. It was very tiring!
I would like to say that I feel like more of a complete person, or that I made big steps or something. But it was just a day. I had to wake up today and start over again. I think it did help, though, to keep my mind off some of those very well-worn paths. I expect that the more I attempt to do that, the less tired I will be by that effort.
Another thing I have realized lately about contentment is that the kinds of things I am mentally feeding myself greatly affect my emotional well-being. When I read all those glossy magazines I feel very short and very round. When I read romance novels I miss those exciting days of first falling in love. If I look at those situations rationally, I see that I am not round at all (in fact, I have lost weight in recent months), and that there is a whole lot (to put it mildly) to be said for the companionship and commitment that Mike and I have. In fact, I am thankful for the fact that we don’t have to be all flirty and unsure around each other anymore. (I have to face the fact that I am short, though. hehe.) In those areas, too, I have to decide to dwell on what is healthy and right instead of what is unrealistic and dangerous.
Of course, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out these things. It just takes a while for them to translate from my intellectual knowledge to those fears and insecurities I too often respond from.
April 21st, 2004 at
This rocket scientist agrees.
He also has a hard time contemplating you as “round”, though.
April 21st, 2004 at
I told you to embrace your hotness… JUST DO IT!..;)
April 21st, 2004 at
Kari, I struggle with ALL those thoughts too….a wandering mind can get me in a big ol’ mess but I am terribly guilty everyday! We will work on it together. And I am determined to rid myself of some of the “junk” I feed my mind, it is always one of my daily goals…
April 21st, 2004 at
Man, I can’t believe you stuggle with your thoughtlife!! You must not be very spiritual.
April 21st, 2004 at
Geof: Let’s just say that not having a job was not the best thing that ever happened to my figure. But it’s under control now.
Trey: Thanks.
Shelby: You are right, we can work on this together. I’m glad.
Adam: Shut it.
hehe.
April 21st, 2004 at
A friend of mine told me the best part of the guy/girl relationship was when you “didnt know” and it was a flirting game. Now, she is married and told me she takes that back. Best part of a guy/girl relationship is marriage. Intersting, no?
April 22nd, 2004 at
I think the flirting part is fun, but it’s also pretty frustrating because of the games and uncertainty. I am glad I don’t have to do it anymore.
April 22nd, 2004 at
seriously, stop reading my mind.
i’ve been trying to rationalize what i’ve been doing the past week, the over-thinking. i must have missed rhonda’s thread. i’ll have to blog about this tonight.
i’m with trey, embrace your hotness…:)
April 22nd, 2004 at
scott, when havnt you over-think something? It just seems thats something you do. nothing “wrong” with it, its part of you, but really… can you think of a time?
April 22nd, 2004 at
Karibeth is the cutest! (or “hottest,” to keep with the theme of the comments.) You could just do what I do… don’t think about things AT ALL so you don’t have to deal with them. (Well, that’s what I do when I’m not planning every possible option for the foreseeable future…)
April 23rd, 2004 at
I appreciated your response on the thread, Kari. This is something I have been struggling with. And I agree that it is much easier said than done. It is so hard to get rid of those self-defeating thoughts sometimes. And I agree with all. You are hot and cute.
May 9th, 2004 at
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