Blessing and Community
Last night at small group we were looking at the Beatitudes. The rest of the group was discussing different things that challenge or encourage them, but I was just sitting there. Unfortunately, our group is too small for me to be able to get away with that, and I got asked what I thought.
I look at the Beatitudes and I feel completely at a loss. There are things that have happened to me where I have mourned, and I tried to take it to God the best that I knew how. And I didn’t (and don’t) feel comforted. I have tried to be a peacemaker and to show mercy, and I don’t feel like a daughter of God. I know that these rewards are not always (or even usually) seen here on earth, nor are God’s promises dependent on my feelings, but I wonder sometimes if these verses are for me at all. I’m not exactly being persecuted for my faith. I am not a prophet. No one is “falsely saying all kinds of evil things against me” because of my belief in God. I’m just a very small person having a hard time.
It’s not that I don’t believe the Bible is truth. I do believe it is truth. Imagining that it’s not truth is really scary. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t believe the Bible. It just doesn’t seem to be working right now. I don’t think that that will always be the case, but I am not sure how to get to the point of trusting again.
I think a lot of my fear comes from the fact that I seem to believe that God is always wanting to Teach Me A Lesson. I think I believe that the comforting and the mercy are shown after I Learn My Lesson. I certainly live like I believe that. How can I get to the point of trusting a God who only wants to Teach Me A Lesson?
I shared all these things last night, and my friends were great. They got me tissues and asked good questions and prayed for me. They didn’t give quick and easy answers. They shared some of their own brokenness with me. I think that’s about as much as any of us could ask for, and I am thankful for that.
I don’t feel that I am in a crisis of faith or anything like that. I just feel kind of stuck as far as being able to take the needed steps to get out of this valley. I suppose I think I need to Learn A Lesson; maybe I just need to learn some truth to correct my skewed perspective.
April 27th, 2004 at
Where I am theologically, I don’t buy the Teach Me A Lesson bit.
Of course, in the RMFO community, that puts me in the minority, but I’m okay with that.
April 27th, 2004 at
Last night one of my friends said that when he was going through something similar, he needed to learn that God loves him, and that God wants him to be satisfied with just God. I asked him if the steps that God made him go through, or the things that God took away made him feel that he was supposed to be Learning A Lesson, but he said he never took that view. He said God just wanted him to learn truth about who God is, and that sometimes God has to take things away in order for that to happen. For me, I tend to think, “God wants me to learn some big lesson,” but he was saying God really wanted him to rest in Him, which meant God had to strip some of his outer defenses.
Is the Teach Me A Lesson belief more reformed? Is that what you are saying, Geof? Maybe someone can explain that to me more.
April 27th, 2004 at
I love the way you share your thoughts and experiences. It reminds me that none of us are alone in our struggles. Where you are is where I was, or where I will be in the future, or maybe where someone I love is right now. That might not help you right now, but I find it helpful.
Whether you think “Teach Me A Lesson” or “Refining Me” may be just a matter or perspective. I have no words of wisdom or answers either, but I have complete confidence you’ll “Make It Through”.
April 27th, 2004 at
You are right, Roger, that refining seems easier to take than teaching. I don’t think the semantics are necessarily what matters. I think what matters is that I don’t perceive God as a harsh taskmaster, withholding favor until I have learned what he wants me to learn. The more I think about it, the more I think my friend was right - this is ultimately about learning truth about God’s love.
April 27th, 2004 at
Ah, the lack of hiding places in a resonably sized small group
I think refinement is how I see things. To say “What is God teaching me?” is to leave too much open to your own interpretation…he’s more interested in changing you into something you’re not at the moment…instead of only teaching you things you don’t know…though that’s part of it, no doubt.
April 27th, 2004 at
I really like what Brian said about the refinement. I too tend to think God is often Teaching Me a Lesson. But I know that it is about refinement. He must put us through the fire in order to make us pure silver that reflects him clearly. With all of our impurities we are not very good reflections. And yes, sometimes that refinement burns, but he is not necessarily trying to teach us a lesson, he is trying to make us more like him. But it’s not easy to take, often.
April 27th, 2004 at
If that’s any comfort I know exactly how you feel. Fully trsuting God’s love is not as easy as it sounds.
April 27th, 2004 at
“he’s more interested in changing you into something you’re not at the moment…instead of only teaching you things you don’t know”
Wow, Brian, thinking of it that way is very helpful.
April 28th, 2004 at
Thank God for those folks in your small group, who acted so differently from Job’s ‘friends.’ I don’t know what I’d do without the community of the godly I have around me.
I’m not quite sure what to make of Geof’s comment that he differs from “most of the RMFO community” on the Teaching Me a Lesson idea. I certainly don’t view God that way.
May 25th, 2004 at
[...] of pain and that only God can help, but I am very afraid that in order to do so he has to Teach Me a Lesson. And I’m pretty sure that will hurt. Somew [...]
October 19th, 2006 at
I’m not sure who you are?! But I’ve been trying to find answers to some of my “God questions”; I’ve been feeling for a while that God is constantly “just trying to teach me a lesson” through pain! I typed into Google “What is God trying to teach me?” and your blog came up (4/27/04) where you honestly expressed how you were feeling similar. I just wanted to say that reading what you wrote and the comments you received encouraged me; I still don’t understand everything that’s going on in my life at the moment but it was good to read your thoughts and feelings from back then! love Katharine, Surrey, England, UK.