Through a Glass, Darkly

On the way to work, it started pouring. I was already late, thanks to extreme fatigue this morning (by the way, someone want to explain that to me? I was in bed by 9:45 last night), but there was no way I was venturing out of the car in that downpour. Sure, I had my trusty yellow umbrella, but it seemed better to wait.

Sitting in the car watching the raindrops roll down the windshield, I realized that it was the first time in a few days that I had actually paused and just been quiet. The car was off, I wasn’t near a computer, I didn’t have a book. I was just . . . sitting.

In the midst of all this counting down to Mike’s last day (which is tomorrow!) I seem to have failed to realize that, although he is finally going to get a break, I don’t get one. I realized this morning that it’s as if I have been doing that same buildup that people do before a vacation – getting busy so they can go out of town and relax. The only difference is that I’m not actually going to get a vacation. This morning as I sat in the car I realized that, as strange as it seems, this is my “normal” life from here on out. I am used to being the one with the school schedule and the part-time job while Mike is the one who works full-time, but that’s about to change. I think I’m tired because of the rain (big hair!) and because of the long wait for Mike’s job to be over and because of the stress of our budget . . . and because I didn’t get the summer off like I always have and I’m just not used to it.

I feel like such a bad grownup. I really like my job, but I miss those rainy stay-at-home days when I could just work on a paper and drink coffee all day. Tonight Mike has to work late, and I’m going to take the night off from being a grownup and just relax. No computer, no phones, just me and a book (and maybe even a bubble bath).

While I was writing this, the rain started pouring down again outside, so I made myself a cup of hot chocolate. I’m working on the website instead of a paper, and I’m wearing khakis instead of my pajamas, but this will have to do. I guess it’s not so bad after all.