Crying in the dark
I have talked on here about trying to stand up for myself and being honest about my preferences, but it’s really hard. Last night there was a discussion (it’s not really important what it was about) and I made a conscious decision not to agree with everyone else just to make them happy. Good thing, right? “Be what you’re like! Be like yourself!” I wasn’t being antagonistic, but I wanted to state my preference (“How can it be b***s*** to state a preference?”) like everyone else had. And I left that room feeling that disparaging remarks were being made about me as soon as the door was closed behind me.
I can’t really put into words how hard that was for me. It weighed on me all evening. We got into bed and Mike turned to me and said, “Are you going to tell me about it?” And I turned off the light and just cried and cried as he held me. I didn’t know how to say it. Is it such a weird thing to want to have friends with similar interests who come from the same basic beliefs? Are my opinions such that no one but Mike can put up with me? I get tired of feeling that I have to be funny or clever all the time so people will like me. I get tired of all that performance. I desire to have friends on a deeper level than that. I do have good friends, I know. But I also feel like something is missing. I have been wondering lately if “grown-up friends” just don’t have the kind of connection that comes so easily in college. And even my college friends live elsewhere or are having babies or are just busy with their own lives.
Or maybe the problem is me. Maybe all my walls and defenses have pushed people away. Maybe I have done this to myself.
I have been so incredibly lonely lately. I am good at pushing those feelings down and settling for less. But sometimes a stupid conversation will bring those desires for acceptance to the forefront, and even my normal coping mechanisms don’t work. Today, though, I’ll stuff those feelings and hope that everyone ignores my puffy eyes. I’ll try to focus on the good and ignore the sadness in my chest. I will be glad I stayed true to myself, even though it was hard. And I’ll pretend my heart doesn’t feel like it wants to split apart.
September 17th, 2004 at
Hi, Kari. Roger here. Long time reader, infrequent responder…
Don’t you wish that sometimes you could gather everyone of your online friends who you know you would really get along with (no matter what you said to them) and move them all to live near you?
I do.
September 17th, 2004 at
Yeah, Mike and I talked about that last night. It would be nice.
September 17th, 2004 at
Kari:
Perhaps the disconnect comes when you really do change directions and become totally honest, and it’s not what people expect of you. I know that has to be hard. But as someone who’s been on the other end of the situation, I’d rather honestly know how you felt.
I remember being miffed that my friend J wouldn’t come out and go bowling with us consistently, although his wife A would. I figured that it was a fun activity for all! Finally, A confessed to me that J loathed bowling, so I stopped making bowling the weekly group outing, and J was more comfortable. That situation would have been a lot better if J’d been able to say something to me about it, but because his preferences were communicated, things improved.
:hug:
September 17th, 2004 at
Yeah, but it wasn’t that kind of response, or even that kind of situation. You could see it in their eyes, “What kind of moron would think _________?” It’s the south, so I got polite non-responses, but I know how to interpret those.
September 17th, 2004 at
Oh, Kari. I’m sad for you. We all desire to be accepted for who we really are, and not for who try to be so that others will like us. I have been struggling lately with feeling like if my friends really knew me, they wouldn’t like me as much. But I have no good advice. I can beat some people up for you, though.
September 17th, 2004 at
If you makes you feel any better Kari, half of me the whole time I was able to spend time around you was hoping I was “good enough” or whatever to be a good friend of yours. I also understand the hurt and pain your going to all so well. I wish we lived closer. Maybe we will someday. Miss you Kari.
September 17th, 2004 at
Thanks girls. Beating up would be good.
I guess it’s true that everyone feels this way to some extent. It sure doesn’t seem like it, though, does it?
September 17th, 2004 at
I offer my services as butt kicker….depending upon the average size of the offenders.
September 17th, 2004 at
You can take them, Brian.
September 19th, 2004 at
Kari, as someone who is often on the unpopular side of an argument, I know exactly what you’re talking about. In situations like that, after I leave the room, sometimes I cry too. It’s so hard, to want to be accepted, to want to have the same value and worth as everyone else, but to feel that genuine honesty about who you are will detract from that. It causes a major loneliness struggle for me as well - and I don’t have the support of a loving spouse (so be thankful for that! :)) In fact, if it weren’t for .net friends like you, I wouldn’t have any friends at all.
The choice between honesty and acceptance is a difficult one - but you made the right choice, in my opinion.
I’m praying you feel better soon.
September 20th, 2004 at
Kari bo berry:
You tell me whose heads to crack, and they’re cracked. Simple as that.
GFM <– “You’ve got two ‘alves of a coconut and keep bangin’ ‘em togethe’!”