And I can’t figure out why you want me around
I think it must be difficult to be friends with me, because I never quite believe that I am good enough. I am afraid to call even my closest friends because I think that I will be bothering them, which probably makes me appear distant and uninterested. I assume they are all busy, and therefore don’t pursue them like I should. I am afraid of angering people or being a burden.
I do this to Mike, too. I got really sick to my stomach on Tuesday night after he went to sleep, and I didn’t want to bother him, so I was very careful not to wake him up. And when I went downstairs to get some ginger ale, I replaced the can in the refrigerator with a can from the pantry so that Mike wouldn’t be irritated that I had forgotten to do that. Never mind that I would have been furious with him for not waking me up if he was the one who was sick. Never mind that he would in no way have been upset with me if I forgot to replace the can. I act all the time as if he is going to yell at me for making a mistake. If you’ve met Mike, you know he’s not a yelling kind of guy. I’m the one who would be upset with myself for forgetting to replace the can, not Mike.
There are probably a lot of reasons I act this way. As I have explained over and over, I feel pretty lonely these days. But it’s not just that . . . I remember acting this way as far back as high school. My closest friend in high school wasn’t someone I did stuff with outside of school very often, or who liked to talk on the phone. I wanted to do those things, to be a typical high schooler, but she seemed too busy with other friends and family. Maybe she wasn’t, and I just was afraid. Whatever it was, now I have a hard time believing people want to spend time with me. When it gets scary, I pull back and reject them so that they can’t reject me first, even when I don’t know I’m doing it.
As one of my friends pointed out, a million best friends wouldn’t solve this problem. I have to believe that God values me whether others do or not. But that seems like a tall order, and I don’t know where to start. How do you change a pattern that has been around for at least a decade?
[Okay, here's my standard disclaimer that I did not make this post so that people would stroke my ego. I hope it doesn't seem that way. I wouldn't want any of you all to be irritated with me.]
[That last sentence was my lame attempt at humor.]
September 24th, 2004 at
Kari: I do the same thing, and with me, it stems from a desire for independence and self-reliance.
September 24th, 2004 at
I agree completely with what Geof said.
I have the same problem, too, Kari…which is why support raising has been SO hard lately. When people say, “Call me back in a couple days”…I don’t want to because I feel like I’m bothering them and have already asked once. I know that’s a stupid example, but it’s the best one that I could think of recently.
I’ll be praying for you.
September 24th, 2004 at
I laughed at your attmept at humor. Because it was funny.
And I really doubt that any of your friends think you are bothering them.
September 24th, 2004 at
Nice Sara Groves song/quote. Took me a second to figure out where the line was from cause I knew just couldn’t put my finger on it.
Of all place, on Joey last night he said making friends in LA is much harder than it was in NY because he’s not a kid anymore. When we become adults does our ‘making friends’ abilities go out the window or something?
September 24th, 2004 at
hehe, i thought i was the only one like that.
and yeah, that humor was lame-o.
September 24th, 2004 at
I’ve been thinking all afternoon . . . I don’t think this has to do with wanting to be self-reliant. Because I love to talk to my friends and I am a very verbal processor. So I really need people. I think it really has to do with not feeling good enough.
September 24th, 2004 at
Kari… I feel the exact same way as you do. And I also think it stems from not feeling good enough. I constantly feel like I do a bad job at being a housewife, a friend, and a Christian.
It’s such a bad feeling… and you just feel more and more lonely. Tonight I am at home alone, and will be going to bed alone (Josh is out with friends). As much as I hate to be alone, sometimes I crave being alone, just because it means I won’t be bothering anyone.
September 24th, 2004 at
Ditto what Kathleen said.
September 25th, 2004 at
Kari, that’s why I couched that the way I did … you know yourself better’n I do.
September 26th, 2004 at
Kari (and Kathleen), I feel that way too. I know that one thing we have in common, Kari, is that we’ve almost always felt like we care more about our friends than they care about us…that we are someone expendable, in our friendship groups. I am not someone that is called very often by friends. And that kinda hurts. So while I do try and call people, and get together, I hate that even since ELEMENTARY school, I’ve felt like I’ve done all the initiation. And I can’t really do that all the time. So I don’t do it much anymore because, as you say, I feel like a bother. There are probably only two girls - Chrissy, and my flatmate Ruth - besides my mother that I feel like I can call at anytime and vent about anything, and I won’t feel like I’m bothering them.
Oddly enough, Tim is more of a shy guy (though he’s friendly, so you wouldn’t know he struggles when meeting new people) and I’m more outgoing and sociable, and yet he has a much larger group of close friends. And he makes friends so much more easily than I do. And while I love that about him, I’m also maybe a little jealous. And I don’t want to become one of those couples who only has “couple” friends, you know?
Which is all to say, that I do understand, if only a little. And I really do care about you, Kari, and wish so much that I could live near you and be a constant friend. (Which is something I should have said a while ago, I suppose.)
September 26th, 2004 at
Wow. Ya know, the more I talk to people, the more I realize how many feel lonely. The image that everyone else has friends really isn’t a true picture of reality. I think that is why the close family groups of yesteryear were so healthy because there was an instant friendship group there.
From what I have seen, this usually comes from some type of being abandoned as a kid… either from a parent, or just somehow from a friend or group. It’s that abandonment that needs to be prayed through. It carries over into feelings of non-worth before God, other people and ourselves.
But before you can ‘fix’ the feeling with other people, you have to start with yourself and God.. you have to know without a shadow of a doubt how God feels about you.. do a word study on that.And as that soaks into your head and heart.. then you will feel important inside.. which will then help you sort through the feelings with other people.
I have a self esteem study I have started.. you sure are welcome to read/work through it. I’m not done with it.. so this kicks me into gear to get it finished!
http://www.tbtil.blogspot.com/
September 26th, 2004 at
Wow. Ya know, the more I talk to people, the more I realize how many feel lonely. The image that everyone else has friends really isn’t a true picture of reality. I think that is why the close family groups of yesteryear were so healthy because there was an instant friendship group there.
From what I have seen, this usually comes from some type of being abandoned as a kid… either from a parent, or just somehow from a friend or group. It’s that abandonment that needs to be prayed through. It carries over into feelings of non-worth before God, other people and ourselves.
But before you can ‘fix’ the feeling with other people, you have to start with yourself and God.. you have to know without a shadow of a doubt how God feels about you.. do a word study on that.And as that soaks into your head and heart.. then you will feel important inside.. which will then help you sort through the feelings with other people.
I have a self esteem study I have started.. you sure are welcome to read/work through it. I’m not done with it.. so this kicks me into gear to get it finished!
http://www.tbtil.blogspot.com/
January 22nd, 2006 at
[...] This entry was inspired by (and consequently borrows heavily from) Kari’s latest post. I can approach neither the depth of her wisdom nor the clarity of her writing. [...]