The moment when a friendship ends
Sometimes friendships fade away naturally - you move, or she moves, and maybe she gets engaged and has a job and is still working on finishing her degree, and she’s a few years younger than you are anyway, so you just naturally drift apart. You’ll still go to her wedding, and maybe even a shower if you get invited, and when you see her, you’ll talk and catch up. It won’t be the same, but it won’t be bad.
Sometimes, though, friendships die in a moment. The eighth or ninth unreturned phone call or email. The time she forgot your birthday. A betrayal. Something that makes you realize, “I just can’t do this anymore. It’s not worth the effort, and it’s never going to be what I had hoped.”
I realized today that that happened to me twice this summer. The first was with a friendship that had been floundering anyway. There were unreturned phone calls galore, but what I have realized about unreturned phone calls is that I never figure out the friendship has died until later. I don’t sit around thinking, “After five tries, I am going to give up on this friendship.” It’s after the fact that I realize, “That one time when I called and I had a gift I was trying to get to her and she never called me back, that’s when I emotionally gave up.” But it wasn’t even the unreturned phone calls that did me in this time. It was being somewhere where she gave everyone these fun pictures of things they had done together . . . except for me. I sat there, watching everyone else look at those pictures laugh and cry and reminisce while having none of my own, and something inside of me died. Even with that blatantly obvious rejection, I didn’t realize I had quit hoping for more until today, when Mike and I were planning a dinner party and I didn’t include her on the guest list. It would have been a given to include her a year ago, even six months ago. But today I realized that, unless things change with her, I’m not expecting the close friendship that I once hoped that we would have. And it’s because of the way I felt in that one moment. I didn’t know it at the time, but I can see how, in that moment, everything inside me shifted.
The other incident this summer was when a friend of mine forgot my birthday. I know that forgetting a birthday isn’t that huge of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but it was another situation where it was forgetting my birthday on top of several months of neglect. A month after my birthday, I emailed her for her birthday, but I still haven’t heard back. I thought of my email as a last-ditch effort, but looking back, I knew it was over when I didn’t hear from her on (or around) my birthday. She’s the kind of person who is good about birthdays, so it signals more than just forgetting. It signals that I’m not a priority anymore. And . . . I got the message.
In some ways, it feels like it’s easier to realize that you’ve given up and accepted how things are, or how they are never going to be. The first friend I mentioned - I am sure I will get an email from her now and then, and I’ll respond, and then I won’t hear from her for months. Lather, rinse, repeat. The second one - I doubt we’ll be in touch much after this. Facing up to those facts is easier than deluding myself.
It’s not that it doesn’t hurt, because . . . it definitely does. But it’s better than lying to myself, and investing myself in people who don’t really care if I’m around. In a strange way, it kind of feels like a victory - I am not going to do that to myself anymore.
September 27th, 2004 at
Why is it as though I feel like Im reading about me these past couple of entrys Kari? Its really quite creepy, but in a good way.
September 27th, 2004 at
This has been one of the huge issues I’ve gone through recently, but never got to posting about it. Maybe I’ll bump it up on my list of things to write about.
September 27th, 2004 at
I don’t know, Alisa, but like Kathleen said, it’s good to realize other people feel the same way you do.
September 27th, 2004 at
big hug to Kari.
September 27th, 2004 at
Karen! Where have you been? I missed you.
September 27th, 2004 at
karen’s pregnant. THAT’S where she’s been
September 27th, 2004 at
Pregnant people can’t use the internet?
September 27th, 2004 at
Yay for every little victory! :yes:
September 27th, 2004 at
not when they spend 99% of their time with their friend ralph.
September 27th, 2004 at
Brian is right…..I’m afriad I’ve been hugging the toilet quite a bit lately. Still reading blogs when Nathan isn’t screaming for me to come play but that’s all I usually have time for…don’t comment that often. I’ve been here all along, but thanks for missing me!
October 4th, 2004 at
[...] fade Filed under: Relationships — Matt @ 8:46 pm Karibeth wrote a post on friendships ending This has been a huge issue with me as of [...]
February 15th, 2005 at
The final nail in the coffin … when my once best friend of 11 years called me the week of her wedding and asked me to be the GUEST BOOK ATTENDANT — and then joked about the Sex & The City episode where Miranda got the crappy guest book attendant job and hated it.
June 18th, 2005 at
wow.. reading this article I can see i feel the same way… I known my best friend for 6 years and we been together all the time.. If we were not hanging out then we were on the phone… we could talk about anything, all the fun, crazy memories we had together and we could go on and on about this and never get bored. I thought our friendship would never end.. But then came a “guy” in her life.. Which is funny because I hooked them two up.. she told me that no matter what happens between them I will still be a part of her life and it will be the same.. well it did not happen that way. I called her she ignored my calls, she tottaly changed she was a different person…she was always with this guy and never bother to call anymore.. and I did not mind because I knew she liked him a lot.. the only time she called me was when they had problems.. I was always there for her.. and then she just stopped calling me.. I left her message nothing. I called her two days ago we talked for awhile but it wasnt like before.. everything changed.. I told her before this was bothering me and she said that she will work on it.. but nope.. I miss my old friend a lot.. but I realize something.. I am not going to keep calling her, because she has my # she knows where I live… and I shouldnt only be calling her.. if she really cared about me, she would call too.. But sometimes in life people change, some for the good some for the bad.. She might realize what she have done, but it might be too late.. i gaved her so many chances but now I dont know anymore.. I lost my best friend.. boyfriends come and go but friends are going to be there no matter what… just some people dont realize that.. It hurts a lot but I need to move on…
just wanted to share my story…
June 22nd, 2005 at
Wow…
Interesting reading. And sometimes it doesn’t get any better when they get older. My daughter, just barely ten, had a girl at school named Jordan. Her mother had remarried and had a 4 year old and 2 year old. Jordan wanted to start doing somethings and joined some of the groups my daughter was in. BUT… it was always me taking her to them, baking the cakes for them, driving her all over town way out of the way, helping at a birthday party for her 2 year old that we don’t even really know while her own relatives just sat there, etc. All because her Mother was “stressed” with the “babies”. At first I didn’t mind, but then I started hearing that Jordan was only nice to my daughter when her other “friends” were mad at her. Then I started noticing that Jordan was ONLY really nice to my daughter when it was just the 2 of them. If there were more children, then my daughther would come home saying that Jordan was acting like she was mad at her and she didn’t understand why. I was already considering this to be a very unhealthy relationship for my daughter to be in… counselling her that if you walk away from being with a friend and it feels bad or confusing… then they aren’t really your friend.
Then, my daughter’s big day comes up… a competitive talent show that she had worked on for over half a year and was competing in three events. My daughter was so excited and wanted her friends to come and watch her. A couple of nights before the show, Jordan’s mother calls me and tells me that Jordan was invited camping and she was going. When I mentioned again it was my girl’s big day, she said.. Oh… well, maybe I’ll try to get Jordan there but you know… that is right at naptime.
You guessed it… they never came. And never called before to wish her good luck… nor days later had they called to see how she had done. I was so hurt, I sent a very nice letter telling them how much my daughter had cried. Their response…. the mother left a very NASTY Nasty phone message… like somehow I was in the wrong. Obviouly not a good friend or even a good person. At least we know where Jordan got her disconnected behavior.
But on the other hand… One of my other daughter’s friends.. a friend whose mother is going through chemo, not only came to the show, her sister did as well! And since the mother could not come because of her illness, she bought my daughter a nice present and told her how much she loved her and wished her well. Then when my daughter won champion status in all of her events, this mother called again and told me that “By gosh… I’m going to be well enough by the time they go to State, that we’ll be there too.”
NOW GUESS WHICH PEOPLE WE ARE KEEPING FOR FRIENDS!
Remember… if on a regular basis you walk away from you time with friends or significant others feeling sad, confused, put down, or not appreciated, then they are not really the people for you to be around…. and you should look around for new friends.
July 26th, 2005 at
I am currently in the middle of a fight with someone who I have been very close with for 8 years…I have always lent my ear to her… the last 5 1/2 years I have been in two serious relationships…which of course changed everything…sort of…see, she has always been in a very demanding relationship…I have always been limited in the time we spent together…I knew this and accepted this of her situation…and I never once became demanding for her attention…I had hoped that she would be able to recipricate that same understanding…I admit I have been guilty of not returning calls..especially when it’s past three calls…and making promises to come and visit and never making the effort to commit to a date…honestly…I had withdrawn from most of my friends…all of them except this friend voiced their concern, but accepted the fact that when I was ready to reconnect they would be there…I can’t tell you how easy it is for me now to call them up and make plans to see them now that I have emerged from that dark time…every day I think of this friend and all the horrible messages she has left me since our fight…we had a blow up on the phone and I asked her to change the topic till I was ready to discuss it with her…she ignored me and continued to rip into me…I felt cornered and attacked. When being confronted with such anger I no longer can think clearly…all I become aware of is an overwhelming rush of very intense emotions…I yelled back at her and then hung up…I have never called her back…but she has not given up…she has called me about once a month and leaves very hurtful messages…I recently wrote her a letter..I felt that this would be the best way for me to try to explain my side…I was pleasant and tried to take the high road…I admited my faults. I told her that in no way did I want to walk away..I said that I felt the relationship was salvagable, but not without some changes on both sides…the most recent message hurt the most…she brought up things that I had no idea she was harboring…she mocked everything I tried to convey to her in that letter…I listened to the message a few times…I stopped listening to the words…I started to pick up on her tone and the sound of desperation in her voice…I know from a mutual friend of ours that she is not okay…her life is falling apart and I am not the only person to recently stop communication…she was just fired this past weekend from her job that she loved because she was bullying another employee…she had no idea she was being offensive… a part of me wants to run to her side like I have always done to be her pillar of strength…but then I remember that she couldn’t give me a break…she refused to understand that I needed my time to drift away…and in the beginning it was not personal…I am very emotionally distraught about this whole thing…but for some reason I feel I need to stand my ground and not give in. If we are ever to get through this…I need her to accept me with all my faults as I have done for her…every friendship has it’s ups and downs..it’s inevitable…in 8 years this is our first major rift…I can’t believe that this is where her and I have ended up…I am considering the possibility that we may never recover and what saddens me the most is that my lack of contact does not truly reflect how I feel about her…this is breaking my heart…I am really coming to terms about a lot of things that this fight has brought to light…life happens and sometimes friends drift away from each other…I have an open door policy…I never truly close the door on broken friendships…I view the future with hope and know that life has a funny way of bringing people back around…I have no expectations…I will be pleasantly surprised if I am ever given an opportunity to rekindle what was once lost…What I tried to stress to my friend was that I may have drifted away for my own reasons, but that did not mean that I would never come back…I needed her to be patient with me and give me my space…I have been on her end of the situation with other friends and I never gave them a hard time and knew that life was what preoccupied them and that if and when they were ever ready to come back..I would be there ready to pick up from where we last stopped off…ummm…thanks for letting me vent…
August 17th, 2005 at
Hey Lara:
This might be surprising coming from a guy (who says we aren’t supposed to be emotionally involved with our guy friends?) but I can relate to your story, if from the opposite end. I had a friend drift away from me slowly after I moved. I tried everything I knew how to keep him in my life, to give him his space, etc. Didn’t work. And somewhere in there, in the midst of a lot of doubt, I finally gave up. Before I gave up, I admit, I exploded. And so did he, and we said a lot of things to each other that we probably, on some level, meant, but on other levels, probably regret. I’m left with this lesson: friendship is on TWO people, not just one. The balance can flow back and forth (regarding who is doing most of the giving, etc, or what areas they are taking from/giving to) but if that “flow” begins to “pool” on one end for too long, something is going to break. I’m a lot more attentive now to what I give to people and what I ask to take from them.
Understand I’m not implying blame or anything. I feel for you, I really do. The raw amount of destruction sends you reeling. It’s been a year now. I wonder if the hurt goes away.
August 19th, 2005 at
Hey Joe (reminds of that Hendrix song)… Thanks for those words. Most powerful was the analogy of the “flow” and “pool” effect on a friendship…I failed to mention that this friend of mine moved about 90 minutes away from me…What does moving away do to a friendship?…it must really test the foundations.
September 10th, 2005 at
It’s pretty impressive that one blog entry written almost a year ago can still get so many hits and additional posts, but the subject matter is something many can relate to, especially me right now. (plus google brings it up when you search for “friendships ending.”) my best friend and i are in a fight. it started over a misunderstanding, something petty, but it’s bringing to light an unbalanced relationship and lots of repressed feelings. she has been going through tons of emotional stress and i have been there for her the best i can but i live over an hour away, work 5-6 days a week, and have a toddler, husband, and home to tend to, thus i’m not always available. she posted an entry on her blog saying how mad she was at me (named me specifically), and said some hurtful things. i wrote her an email saying i thought her post was inappropriate and disrespectful and i was hurt. she hasn’t written back. she posted another entry saying how this was her journal, her diary, and if anyone has a problem with that then they can leave. then she posted her number for “anyone” to call who wants to know her. so, am i wrong to think that this was a little wrong? i had my husband take down a post on his blog because i didn’t feel it was appropriate. you know why she’s so pissed? i was mad and hung up on her. big deal after nine years of friendship. the funny thing is i’m more hurt and sad than mad. i guess part of me recognizes things weren’t great, but i didn’t think she’d act like this. it’s disappointing. i did like the 16th post here about the f”low” and “pool” of a friendship. i think this river bed has run dry and the flow is long gone. thanks for letting me vent.
November 7th, 2005 at
Wow… As I was searching the internet in my futile attempts to cope with the loss of a 20 year friendship, I happened to stumble upon your blog (or at least I think it is a blog). I am learning that losing friends, especially the ones whom you thought would be there til the day you died is really quite hard to accept, but must be accepted none the less. What more can a person do when the friendship is not reciprocated. I guess all a person can do is to learn to let go and not be jaded by the experience so as to not let the experience affect developing and nurturing friendships with other people.
November 11th, 2005 at
It is interesting, I just stumbled upon this as well. I don’t like intentionally losing friends. It’s like a bad break up. Drifting away happens, time, priorities, work, location all affect the friendship, and although it’s sad, you know who you can count on in those situations (some of my best friends that I’ve known forever live far away and we all have families and carreers to deal with). But the intentional “I don’t know if I can be friends anymore” hurts. I’m in it now - more of my doing since I felt like I was carrying the weight - and each day I want to email or call just to say hi, as if some remaining hopeful part of me thinks we can move on, but still be friends. Some days, it feels it would actually be EASIER to do this than to purposely hold back and be angry. I don’t like doing it, I prefer to forgive, there’s enough grumpiness in this world. But in this situation (it’s complicated and long and would take forever to explain) I feel like I would just set myself up for disappointment. I’ve tried so many times before. A complicated piece of this is that we work together, so it’s even harder to stand my ground when we need to interact (it remains business-like and formal). I find it exhausting, but my stubborn side is telling me I finally need to do this. But I can’t tell if it’s the right thing. I hope I don’t regret it one day.
November 13th, 2005 at
I was so glad to find this website (or blog). Amber’s entry was one I could really understand, because I am trying to cope with the loss of a 30yr. friendship.I did not want our friendship to end, and did everything I could to prevent it, but my friend felt differently. The events leading up to the loss of her friendship are very complex; everything happened during the past 2yrs.
Like Amber and her friend, I thought we would be friends until the day we died. I feel this strange mixture of sadness and anger. The loss of her friendship is so hard to accept——but I must accept it and start trying to forgive. Forgiving her doesn’t mean that I think what she did to me was right, but that with God’s help I can let go of the anger and sadness she has caused and move on without bitterness.
Thanks for letting me “talk”; it helps.
November 20th, 2005 at
I also am experiencing a loss of a 13 year friendship that I too thought would be in my life til the very end. Having gone through what many women experience (divorce, betrayal of husbands, other friendships, deaths of friends and family members). There is always a risk that what you value most may not be yours to have forever.
My friendship has ended without an explanation. No returning of phone calls, email and even asking mutual friends and family. You can only “guess” in circumstances like this. I have offered all possible apologies, but I now realize I am only 50 percent of this exchange.
I have seen this pattern of rejection from my friend with others in her life, I just never thought it would happen to me.
Thank you for listening.
November 25th, 2005 at
Thank you for your site. Had a friend at work, then she started to spend more and more time with the bosses favorite. Could talk about anything and now I cannot trust her. I feel betrayed, and realized this person has no idea what a friend is. I have had 3 friends that I thought would be good friends for life, at least I was hoping for that. Can women really be friends? I would love one of those girlfriend realtionships you always here of, but it seems everytime I think I might have a really good friend to share,family etc. stuff with, I am always betrayed or not even betrayed just, they don’t seem to last, with either party ever haven an actually fight. Friendships always seem one sided or I seem to care way more than the other. Can anyone else relate?
December 7th, 2005 at
Wow, I can relate to all of this. I have had 2-3 major friendships with women throughout my life and all of them ended abruptly. And all of them for the same reason - I got tired of giving more than I was receiving. About a year ago, my best friend of eight years (and roommate of 3) met the man she’s going to marry and poof…she was gone. I tried to be supportive of her new relationship, but it was hard when all of our traditions and outings ceased to exist, and I became the leftovers when he was out of town. I had no idea that I was just something for her to have “in the meantime” or while waiting for Prince Charming to arrive. When I look back on our friendship, I realize that she was single the entire time we were friends (while I dated and had relationships but was still able to include her). It has become crystal clear to me that I was a way to pass the time.
I guess I wonder this about our long lost friends…do they miss us? At some point, do they realize the loss but feel to embarrassed to remedy it? Or are they too distracted or so happy to care? I wonder. My favorite line from a movie is so poignant here: “How can someone be such an integral part of our life one day and simply vanish the next?” (THREESOME).
I’m glad I stumbled onto this site. I sort of thought I was the only one out there with this story.
December 8th, 2005 at
No, Whitney, you’re definitely not the only one. I posted above–read that and you’ll see what I’ve gone thru (similar to you). About a week ago I took a chance and sent my ex-friend an email. I had seen him twice over the summer at gatherings of mutual friends, and those meetings went relatively well, so what the hell, you know? Take a chance.
I’m having a lot of mixed feeling about what I just did. Oh, my ex-friend wrote back right away and was very friendly and polite… maybe it’s just me but it seems almost “too” polite. I don’t know. Isn’t it crazy to be carrying around so much anger at a person (re: why the hell did you DO that to me????) and all the time know full well that it was your anger, in part, that helped rip the two of you apart the first time around? But you want validation… you want resolution… you want the other person to say “yes I acknowledge I hurt you and I’m sorry for that and I wish I could take it back.”
What I get instead, thus far anyway, is such coordinal politeness I can’t tell if any of it is real or not. Also can’t shake the feeling/thought: how long is it gonna stick THIS time around?
Sigh.
January 15th, 2006 at
It’s amazing how a tearful pain can be lightened by reading stories of similiar situations! I have lost several “good” friends , or what I thought were “good.” Especially since I got married 8 years ago. I saw my friends true colors appear during my engagement! Despite being there for them, emotionally and monetarily, they did not reciprocate! Friends from 30 to 15 years of friendship, walked away from me. When I reflect on our friendship in my mind, I am a fool to even reconsider renewing the friendship, but I feel so alone and sad. Even with a rich fufilling life with my kids, husband,family and work and the gym, I feel so lonely. Yet, they were unkind to me. Even after I told them how I felt. You would think we were in grade school, the way they behaved! Philosophy quotes are great, but they don’t alleviate this heartache. What will?
January 29th, 2006 at
I am glad to have found this website. Now I know I’m not alone. I’m not sure if my 5-year friendship is ending or not, but it’s so confusing and painful. It helps to read that I’m not alone, though. My friend and I have both talked about it, but everything’s different between us now and we don’t know why. Maybe we’re just not supposed to be friends anymore. But I go to school with her and my class in a private school has 10 people including me and it’s hard cause we see each other every day. I keep praying that this won’t be the end, but if it is, like everyone here said, I’ll have to accept it. I just wish I knew what changed. That’s perhaps the hardest part of all.
January 30th, 2006 at
I too am dealing with the loss of a 20 year friendship. One I thought would never end, no matter what happened. We became friends in High School and over the years got closer and closer. I was her friend through her first marriage to a man nobody approved of because he broke every promise he ever made to her. He was irresponsible and disappointed her time after time. The list goes on. I was her friend when that marriage dissolved and for many years after that. We grew closer and closer, shared our darkest secrets with each other, went on vacations together, etc. etc. She thought the world of me and vice versa. We couldn’t wait to talk to each other about our plans for the weekend, shopping, relationships, etc. She thought I was one of the funniest people on the planet. She valued my opinion over anybody elses. She couldn’t wait to tell me about her latest shoe purchase, etc. etc. Well, the friendship started going sour 2 years ago, when she decided to jump into a relationship with a married man. I did not judge her for dating him and encouraged her to do whatever made her happy. When this married man started disappointing her and taking her for granted after only a few months, she would obviously confide in me and I expressed my concerns about him and this relationship, always with her best interests at heart. We have always been open and honest with each other, so I felt I could be completely honest about what I thought. I kept reminding her that he was a married man and if she wanted to keep dating him, so be it, but she shouldn’t put all her eggs in his basket. I advised her time after time to date other people and to keep her doors open and all the while she was resenting my opinions. To make a long story short, my attempts at helping my “best friend” from being in yet another relationship that was disappointing backfired! It came between us and started pulling us apart little by little. Her new man, who is now separated from his wife, after 18 months of sneaking around, has completely changed my friend. He is very uptight and has many hangups. He frowns on “girls night out” so needless to say, she doesn’t partake in “girls night out” anymore so he will not be upset. He doesn’t appreciate my sense of humor, so needless to say, she has distanced herself from me completely. We have the occasional exchange of e-mails, but the phone calls have grown further and further apart. The last time we got together over the Holidays, I felt really uncomfortable around her, constantly watching every word I said so not to offend her or her “man” in anyway and I don’t think that true friends should feel uncomfortable around each other. I am now at the point where I refuse to be something I’m not. I have not changed. I am the same person I’ve always been and have dozens of friends/co-workers who truly enjoy my company. I have decided to focus on the positive relationships in my life and stop mourning the death of this friendship. However, a day does NOT go by that I don’t think about her and the friendship we had. We were truly envied by many for our closeness. It is still painful for me, but I relly have no choice but to move on and stop dwelling. Any words of advice from anyone? Thanks…
March 2nd, 2006 at
I feel for everyone who has commented, and I’m glad I came across this blog. I have had similar experiences with two friends since getting married three years ago, and these experiences have left me sad, mourning and confused. One was a friend of 15 years who has gradually drifted away, even though I’ve made every effort to remain friends. I think what hurt the most was when it became clear that a special tradition we have shared together was no longer important to her. She would either not initiate doing it, and would usually cancel when I would suggest it. This tradition was so special to both of us for many years that I just don’t understand how it could suddenly not matter to her any more. This friend also takes a long time to return emails and doesn’t seem that interested in maintaining contact any more. Another friend of 8 years has just gradually drifted away for no reason that I can figure, even though I periodically will call or email her to try to stay in touch. We used to confide in each other all the time, go on camping trips and share a tent together, etc. Plus, my husband and I have taken her to dinner for her birthday and made several other efforts. But it has gradually become a one-way street. With both of these friends, I started noticing the friendships gradually ending soon after I got married. I don’t think it has anything to do with my husband, who has always made extra efforts to be friends with both of them, but I wonder if it has something to do with their perception of me since I’ve gotten married. I don’t feel as if I’ve changed, but maybe I have and don’t know it?? But even if that’s the case, I feel that after so many years of friendship, they could at least talk to me about it and give our friendship a chance to get back on track. I’m so confused! I don’t know what, if anything, I did, or why neither of them seems to miss our friendship. I’m finally trying to just accept it, telling myself that change happens and change is natural . . . but it still hurts. Hopefully someday it will stop hurting. Thanks for listening.
March 10th, 2006 at
Personally, my hurt has turned into anger…I guess one of the steps one has to take to heal. I’m angry at my friend for not caring. I’m angry at her for not making the same effort I made to maintain the friendship. I’m angry that she doesn’t cherish our friendship as much as I do. I’m angry that she isn’t affected by the fact that she will not see my son grow up, who she used to ADORE! I’m furious with her for letting a man come between us. Anyway, I’m glad I found this blog too. It helps to see that I’m not the only one who feels as strongly about friendship and the loss of it!
March 14th, 2006 at
Marilyn
How I envy you for being angry ! I wish I could reach that point. My heart is broken and I’m battling to function properly. No one knows what’s happened to me and and cannot discuss this with my family.
My story may sound ridiculous , but to me the past year has been one of the happiest , and the past two weeks probably the most terrible!
I met my friend on the net, purely by accident ! We hit it off like a house on fire and shared everything, like talking about our kids, family, etc etc We talked on the phone , long distance , exchanged gifts , we mailed cards and letters and have been in contact on a daily basis.I was her best friend and soul mate as she still is to me.
I realise now that all this started changing some months ago, but I refused to “see” it. She began introducing me to another friend she had met . One evening while the three of us were chatting on the net, I realised that the two of them were sharing exactly what we had been sharing! They were using terms of endearment , talked about events, intimacies I had no knowledge of!! My entire world came crashing down! To top it all , the new friend let on that she knew detail about me, things I had been sharing secretly.
Everything you guys have said about not wasting tears, effort and time on someone who isn’t worth those feelings , is without a doubt true! But my disappointment and disillusionment , not to mention a broken heart, something I had not experienced since my teens, leave me utterly shattered!
I don’t know how to “quit” the talking , writing , communicating.How do I do this?And most of all , how do I heal??
March 14th, 2006 at
WOW….Am I glad to know that I am not alone. I can relate to several of these, especially losing the 20 plus year friendship that you thought was indestructible, and that best friend that you grew up with. I was best friends with my friend for 23 years. We met when we were 12 years old. She has always said one of her earliest memories of us is meeting on our bicycles half way between our houses, so I could let her borrow my Journey cassette tape (ah… there tells my age….some of you have never even seen a cassette, some of you still have your collection!!) (Like I do.) Anyway, some of you know what all a female goes through between the ages of 12-35 years old. Well, she & I went through all of that together…riding on the school bus after she had just french-kissed her first boyfriend and her saying, “Oh, it was so gross! His tongue went like this!” (and she made her finger go back & forth real fast.) LOL!! She was forbidden in 8th grade to see an older guy who honestly, they were madly in love and he bought her a tee-shirt with their names airbrushed on it and she could only wear it at school, so I would take it home & wash it for her. You know, we had young memories like that, that we will never have with new friends. (We were more like sisters.) In highschool, we double-dated alot, constantly passed notes to each other in the halls and it was one of those friendships that we both GENUINELY had an interest in every detail of the other one’s life. Throughout our 23 year friendship, there were alot of “coincidences” that we used to keep a list of, that further convinced us that we were meant to be best friends. Some examples:
1.)We both had long term relationships that started our junior year and each lasted several years. When we went on our first double-date to introduce our boyfriends, they already knew each other from a class they had in college!! We double-dated to our senior prom with them and had many other fun times together. Both relationships were break up/get back together type constantly throughout and it seemed that every time I would call her crying, saying he & I had just broken up, she would already be crying saying she was just about to call me, because they had just broken up to. Same thing about when we would get back together with them. (Except we were happy during those phone calls! Point is, those relationships always seemed to be in sync with each other…)
2.) Both of our parents divorced when we were 5 years old
3.) Our biological dad’s both had sandy blonde hair
4.) Our step-dad’s both had red hair
5.) We both drove Ford Escorts at the same time ( mine was red, her’s was blue—and this was not planned!! )
6.) We both drove charcoal gray Hondas (though at different times…once again, not planned…just coincidence and we both ended up with 4-door white Honda Accords!!)
7.) We both married men with the initials B.B.
8.) Our husbands got along GREAT!! ( which thrilled us! )
9.) FYI–I introduced her to her husband…and she has thanked me a million times for MAKING her go out that night ( she didn’t want to go, because she had just come out of a bad break-up ) and I would not take no for an answer, a whole group of us were going out & THAT is the night she met her husband!!
10.) Our first-born children were born in July
11.) Her second son was born on my husband’s birthday
12.) The directions to her new house…you turn on “Happy Hollow Road” (how common is that name?) which just so happened to be the same exact name of the road my husband lived on while he was in college in a totally different state years earlier!!! Then, the actual name of her street, is the same name of the street my husband grew up on in a totally different state.
I know these sound cheesey, but we just always had these little coincidences in our lives, plus alot more examples than these….
Anyway, we were in each other’s weddings, gave each other baby showers, went to each other’s family functions (like with our parents) went to funerals and weddings together, we just went through so much in 23 years. And laughter was a HUGE part of our relationship!! She & I always made each other laugh so much!! We were BOTH good listeners, and both gave good advice that was in the best interest of each other. And all of this doesn’t even touch on what I would consider the most important thing we shared…we are both Christians and we loved most of all to talk about The Lord.
We were just connected in so many ways. Bottom line of what caused our friendship to end is this. About 2 years ago, I started battling a debilitating depression. She knew everything I was going through. We did play phone tag several times. We exchanged several e-mails which I do believe she was trying to be supportive. I certainly did not expect her to “fix” me, just to be there for me. I had so many friends so worried about me, calling me several times a week. She called less & less. I e-mailed her in Feb.2004 telling her how bad my depression was getting and even told her I was having suicidal thoughts. She never called me or wrote back. So, 2 weeks later, I sent her another e-mail asking if she had gotten the previous e-mail and she instantly wrote back and said, yes, she did get the e-mail I had sent her, but she did not respond because, “She did not know what to say.”
I tell her my depression is getting so bad that I am having suicidal thoughts and she does not respond AT ALL, because “SHE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY?” How about,
1.) I love you and so many other people love you, let’s pray about this right now.
2.) “Look, I have no idea what to say, but I just want you to know how much I love you and how suicide is not the answer. Do you want me to just sit here and listen, while you tell me what you are going through.”
I mean ANYTHING would have been better than NOTHING!! So, after a few conversations & e-mails just “small-talking” and awkward, I decided to be honest with her and to tell her that she had REALLY, REALLY hurt my feelings when I sent her such a serious e-mail and she did not respond AT ALL, because she “Didn’t know what to say.” I told her after all we had been through in 23 years, she was not there for me in my darkest days, when I needed her most. But, I let her know that I felt we could work through this, I just needed to get my feelings out. She got the e-mail one week later, called me totally mad & defensive & it was a blow-up conversation & it was like we did not even know each other! It ended with her hanging up on me (CHILDISH!!) I tried to call her back twice immediately, but she would not answer. About 2 months later, I e-mailed her and titled it “closure” letting her know that she had hurt me so bad and acted so childish by hanging up on me, that I would never let her hurt me like that again and that I just wanted to tell her that our friendship was over. It was a hateful e-mail, I admit it. Well, about 2 days later, she sent me an e-mail titled “closure” and not only was her e-mail hateful, it was full of out right LIES!!! She ended it with, “Any future e-mails I sent her would be deleted without being read and if I ever tried to call her, she would just hang up on me.”
July, 2005….one year later…I sent her an e-mail just telling her that as close as we were for 23 years, I hated the way our friendship ended so badly and I told her if I never saw her again, I wished her & her family the best always. She never responded with ANYTHING. I had no desire to re-open the friendship, just to end it in a more civilized way. I couldn’t believe she could not have written me back, simply to say, “Yes, I hate the way our friendship ended, too and I wish your family the best. Have a good life.” But, she didn’t.
2 weeks ago, a girl from our class was killed in a car wreck. So, here, 8 months after the e-mail I sent her last July, I e-mailed her again, telling her about our classmate’s death and I told her I wondered how WE would feel if one day we got a call saying the other one had died. I also apologized for every part of my part in our falling out. It has been almost 2 weeks now. Nothing. I ended the e-mail with, “I only ask one thing. Please just let me know that you did receive this e-mail and the e-mail I sent last July (and I even attached that e-mail to this one.) My mother has now called her to ask her if she received my e-mail. (They were always close.) She had to leave a message and so far, she has not called my mother back. She has always told me that she can turn her feelings off for people like a light switch, but I NEVER would have thought she could have done that to me…HER BEST FRIEND. How can she be so cold? How could I invest 23 years in a friendship, just to have my feelings crushed in the end and realize, you can never REALLY know somebody. I have a ton of great friends (luckily, I have another best friend, who I have been close to just as long as this lost friend,) but it still hurts and it has shaken me to my core about human relationships. If anybody wants to comment, I would welcome it!!
March 15th, 2006 at
Paige:
Reading your story reminds me so much of mine. I was closer to my “best friend” than I was to my own sister at times and I know how you feel about closure. I wrote several letters that I felt would give me closure, but I never sent them because they were very hurtful and in the end I decided that I did not want to be hurtful. I didn’t want to regret my last words to her. We have a mutual friend that is stuck in the middle of all this and she begged me NOT to send anything…just to leave it alone. She insists that she is just going through a phase with this new man in her life and that we should just be there for her when she falls. I know that I will not be able to ignore how she completely eliminated me from her life without ever looking back. How does someone do that? I will never understand it! I know that even if she called me today begging for forgiveness (which God knows she won’t do), our relationship will never be the same again. The biggest regret I have is not being honest with her about her ex-husband. Everyone knew he was a loser, but nobody could say anything to her because she would get very defensive, to the point where she didn’t talk to her own FATHER for 2 years because he did not approve of something her ex-husband did. Imagine? We all stood by keeping our opinions to ourselves because she was young and so were we. We were all hoping for the best at 22. My biggest regret is NOT being honest because I now know that our friendship would’ve ended back in 1992, instead of me investing another 14 years of my life in a friendship that has now ended because I was honest. I felt our relationship had reached a level that NOTHING could tear us apart. Boy was I wrong! I am furious with her and am healing every day, but I cannot tell a lie…it still bothers me. I do wish her the best, but I do wish that she regrets ending this friendship! God, I wish that more than anything!
Paige: The lesson to be learned is that some friends come into our lives and remain our friends no matter what. Some friends do NOT remain, but in my opinion, the ones that don’t remain, were never truly friends. The only constant in life is family, at least my family sticks together no matter what. Yes, we have had many battles, but we always manage to realize that we need each other in our lives. I have so many other friends that love me and are helping me through this, so I plan on devoting more time to those friends. I am open to comments as well.
March 15th, 2006 at
Marilyn, (and anyone else who would like to read this…)
Thank-you for responding to my story so quickly!! It sounds like to me that your friend has terrible judgement when it comes to men and she will cut anybody out of her life that tries to be honest with her. You said in your response that you had written 2 letters to her to give you closure, but you never mailed them because they were hurtful and you didn’t want your last words to her to be hurtful. Wise choice…
See, our blow-up happened 2 years ago and it was VERY NASTY!!! During a phone call and in e-mails we sent to each other titled:CLOSURE, we BOTH ripped each other to shreds and we both made it clear that our friendship was over and we were both saying very mean & hurtful things in these final e-mails. That was in July 2004. Well, a year passed by and in July 2005, I wrote her a very nice e-mail telling her that I hated the way our 23 year friendship had ended in such a horrible way. I also said things such as, “Even though we have had some bad fights in our friendship, I always felt like once we worked it out, we were closer than before, because it’s like, our friendship was worth fighting for. And I also pointed out in that e-mail last July, that though we have had some “drama” in our friendship, that I felt we had way, way more good times than bad. Then I ended it with, “If I never see you again, I just want you to know that I wish you and your family the best in life.”
So, that WAS my way of my last words to her being kind and remorseful and wishing her well in life. She never responded.
Then, this e-mail I sent her 2 weeks ago, when one of our classmates was killed in a car wreck, I flat out humbled myself, apologized for anything I had said or done to hurt her and told her “I hope you will forgive me.” THEN, I was telling her about our classmate dying and I said, “I wonder how we would feel if we got a phone call one day saying the other one had died? I don’t know how you would feel, but I would cry a river of tears and be devastated.” (now, these are QUOTES from the e-mail I sent her 2 weeks ago!) I ended it with, “Will you please do one thing for me? Will you please just let me know that you received this e-mail. That is all that I ask.” (That is a QUOTE!!)
Well, as I said in my post last night when I was sharing my story, she has NOT responded, simply to let me know she did rec’v the e-mail. She didn’t even have that common courtesy. So, I asked my mother to call her to find out (they were always close.) Well, guess what? AFTER, I posted this story last night, my mother called and said that my (ex)best friend returned her call last night. They chit-chatted, caught up on news in each other’s lives, (she never asked a thing about me) then, right before they hung up, my mother said, “Oh, Paige wanted to know if you got the e-mail she sent you a few weeks ago?” She simply said, “Yes.”
So, now I have my complete closure. I can honestly go to my grave knowing that my last words to her were kind, humble, and I apologized and asked for her forgiveness. If I were to find out tomorrow that she was killed in a car wreck, I would cry, but I would have no regrets, because I made an honest effort TWICE to make peace with her. Not to re-open the friendship, but just to make peace. If she were to find out that I had died, how would she feel? I guess that is for her to deal with if it ever happens.
So, I have my FULL closure now. I hope you & everyone on this sight get closure with your broken friendships. We all ask and we have all wondered, “How can she just ignore my phone calls, my e-mails, etc….How can she just shut her feelings off like a lightswitch, after all we have been through?…….How can she just not care anymore?”…..People, let me just say, THEY JUST CAN. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can heal from it and move on. It doesn’t matter how long you have been friends or what all you have been through together. We, who have written on this website obviously are not that way or else we would have never searched for a website like this. But this hard cold reality has hit me square in the face, and I agree with what Marilyn said in the above post….I wish I would have known a long time ago that my ex-best-friend was truly this cold deep in her being, so I would not have WASTED 23 years of my life on her!! I am very much in the grief process now, after talking to my mother last night & now knowing FOR A FACT that she DID receive my e-mail. Something died inside of me last night and the person I thought was my lifelong best friend died to me last night. I never thought she could be so cold. But, you know what? SHE CAN! Last night after I talked to my mother, I wanted to go through my whole house, open every box, go through every school yearbook and DESTROY every picture, card, letter, gift she has ever given me. She even gave me a plaque about 5 years ago that said, “I hope your mansion is next to mine.” (meaning in Heaven.) THAT is how long we both always said we would be best friends…even through eternity….side by side mansions in Heaven!! But, I’m sure I will be running across pictures, cards, letters, gifts, all sorts of memorabilia from her for a long time, since I have 23 years worth of that stuff.
But I have WAY TOO MANY blessings and other wonderful friends, so I must grieve over this, and I must get on the road to healing. Life is too short. She made her decision, now I am making mine….Let the healing begin!!! Best wishes to you all!!!! Paige
April 17th, 2006 at
As I read through all the emails, it’s as if I were reading my very own thoughts! I too had a friendship of 20 years that has come to a horrible end and unfortunately by my own hand. For as long as I can remember, my friend has needed me and I have ALWAYS been there. When no one else had the time or the patience to deal with the ‘crazies’, I was there. This friend of mine not only suffered from a mild case of depression and major insecurities, but she suffered through a series of unstable relationships. . each of which ending very, very badly. I realized my role with this friend a long time ago. I became an enabler. If I think back on her bad times and how they would literally ruin weekends and make everyone depressed, I get angry. Right after the last major breakup in her life which nearly destroyed her, she happens to meet a rather nice guy and after about a year and a half of dating, they were engaged and married the following year. . 6 months later she was pregnant and now has a child. I am sick to say that the falling out happened when I couldn’t get to see her and her new baby. I am the last of the single friends (my other close friend of 30 years is married w/a child) and live further away to both friends. Bottom line is I carry a much different schedule than my married friends and work insane hours (which is also not good). We spoke mid-week and I asked if she would be around that coming weekend as I would be in town and would like to see her and her baby. By the end of the week, my work schedule became overwhelming and all plans were history. Everything would have been fine if I had just called to let her know I couldn’t make it. But I forgot to call. I didn’t forget because I didn’t feel like it, I forgot because I put my work before everything. I tried calling her the beginning of the subsequent week, a few days after and then twice again and never heard back from her. I can honestly say that I didn’t even consider the fact that I didn’t call her which was terrible on my part. She finally called me back and ripped me a new one. It was during my ripping that I realized she hadn’t been happy with me for a long time. There were things that had been bothering her for at least a year that she brought up.. . .and I was speechless. How can you argue? She said some pretty horrible things to me on the phone. She even tossed some of the words used to help her out of her bad spot so many years ago back at me. So. . it’s been almost 2 months since that phonecall and neither one will pick up the phone again. I know I was wrong for not calling, but all I can say is that I had been a good friend to her for many, many years and would never hurt her intentionally. This situation is a little out in left field. Where some girls disappear after they meet someone and friends are left in the dark, it was me who who pulled back some. I realize that this friend took my moving away as abandoning her. . but that wasn’t true at all. I just had to get on with my own life. I wouldn’t feel half as bad if it weren’t for the fact that she has a child. This is what keeps me up at night.
Thanks for listening!
May 2nd, 2006 at
Angela:
Losing a life-long friend under any circumstances is difficult, sometimes more difficult than breaking up with a man you love. I look at it as I’ve experienced a death (the death of a friendship I depended on so much) and I have to go through the normal grieving process. At first I refused to believe that this “death” actually occured. Then, as I realized it was really happening, I went through the sad phase, crying and reaching out to my other friends for support, now I’m in the angry phase where I wouldn’t allow this “dead” friend back into my life. She doesn’t DESERVE me! So, give it some time. It’s not an easy process, but it will get easier and easier. Soon you will fill that void with other relationships & activity making it that much easier to move on…
Good luck to you!
Marilyn
May 9th, 2006 at
I can relate so much to these comments. I hurts like hell to lose a best friend, even for guys. I’ve had this one friend since I was 6, always did stuff together, closer than either of my 2 brothers. He gets married, has child, going to have another one. I adapted, broke my back to try to remain included and it worked for the first year of their marriage. Then, I’m cut off, never included, like a single person doesn’t have the credentials to hang out with them anymore. Hurts like hell, and I’m just not mature enough to accept the new friendship that’s left. I’m left resenting him and his wife, which I don’t want to do. I would rather just end the friendship suddenly, than let it die and turn into some crappy version from what it once was. I wish I was stronger to accept things, but I’m not.
May 10th, 2006 at
Mike, yes, its just as tough for men. My story is similar to yours, frighteningly similar, only the reverse happened. My 40+ year best friend got married, and they chose not to have kids. When I got married several years later, we had two, but they came with a number of years between them. The story is long, but the end result is he wanted to do things that didn’t involve kids or want to work around my, by now, hectic schedule that is focused on my family. There’s more to it, as there always is in a case like mine at least. I decided I didn’t want to put up with the constant comments that were like a knife in my back, among many other occurances that seemed to say to me “your not worth the bother anymore.” The moment of clarity was when I invited him over once and I was told I was “too far away”.
From that point I have slowly distanced myself from him for 3-4 years, and believe me it will get better. I can’t speak for a guy who is single, but for me I have focused more on my wife and kids as well as my siblings. As I heard it put just the other day, your family will always be there for you, because no one else will. Over time, you’ll also find out that there are other people that will actually want to be friends with you.
May 30th, 2006 at
Hey All:
I posted a couple of times above. I thought that maybe I should post something on where my own story stands right now.
I contacted my friend a while back, back in January. He responded right away and was very polite, coordinal. And then we kept in touch thru this message board he had created for his current friends (several of which are mutual friends of mine). So that was cool. The posts on the message board were usually superficial, stuff on everyday run-of-the-mill events, but that was okay. I mean, what else can you expect when several people are reading stuff on the board? It’s not a place for private talks.
But he did email me a few times, and vice versa, and we got into deeper conversations. Never on what happened between us, but on other stuff. Some of it deeper than the superficial topics. So I think I can safely say the friendship has moved from “best/deep” to “distancing” to “not talking to each other” to “acquantance” to “something a bit closer to where it used to be.”
Still, though, much has changed, if only in me. It’s hard to forget how bad it got, how ignored I felt, how hard I was working, etc. It’s hard to invest as much, knowing that you invested that much before and got your ass kicked for your efforts.
But its also hard to stay angry. There was a stretch there when I literally went to bed, dreamed, and woke up thinking about what happened between us. Obsession? I don’t think so. I think it’s more “proecessing.” We don’t live in a society anymore (if we ever did) that teaches us to work through these things. It hurts. It’s hard as hell. And in the end, as someone mentioned above, I knew I needed closure. Even if it didn’t work out, I needed to email him. I didn’t have the bravery the person above had (Paige) to lay myself out flat and humble myself like that (I did things wrong too, but so did he. Not a pride thing. I think that for a situation to be healthy, there has to be acknowledgement of reality on all sides, not just MY acknowledgement). What I got back from him, the polite emails that led gradually to deeper conversations, is a nice thing, and I’m thankful for it.
But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t also scared. And I’d be lying if I said that this whole thing hasn’t screwed up my perceptions on friendship, love, and everything. If it’s that easy for a friend to do that to you, how much harder is it for a wife or husband to do that to you? Or your child? I don’t want to go thru life thinking the bonds of love are much more fragile than we want to accept that they are, but… but. It’s such a disturbing thought I can’t even finish thinking it, let alone write about it.
All I can honestly say is that the contact I’ve had with my ex/renewed friend has been good and healing in my own case, but it feels like maybe there’s still more to go/do… or maybe that’s my subconscious wish for things to go back to being how they were… which isn’t good, because they can’t. And maybe they shouldn’t. I still struggle with WHY this had to happen. I read a great book called “Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes” by William Bridges that literally shocked me senseless, it was so good (NOT a self-help book… it reads… “differently” than a self-help book. Really you gotta read it yourself to see what I mean). That book basically made the point that you begin with endings… that the endings of the things that define you currently are really the doorways to the paths you’ll take to become who you you’re going to be. Ending, transition, beginning. That’s the true cycle, not the other way around.
And I don’t know, but that just seems so true. I’m 36. When I look back on my life, I remember all these “phases” I went thru, several of which, when they ended, I thought would literally kill me at the time. But now they seem smaller. Not trivial, cute, or petty, but… just smaller. And even essential. Because I KNOW in my deepest heart of hearts that if I hadn’t dated that girl in college or worked at that job or gotten fired from that other job or gotten an F on that paper or had that fight with my wife, I never would have become who I am today. And while I’m not perfect, I like who I am today. So it’s becoming harder and harder to believe that there isn’t some overall greater purpose to all of this. I’m not talking about God or Fate. I’m talking about personal development. I was best friends with my “friend” for for years, went through steadily distancing times with him for another four, for the past six months have been growing closer… and as a result of it all, I’ve been kinder, humbler, more focused on “real” things, braver, calmer, more patient.
Imagine if I had never met the guy.
I can’t imagine it. I don’t think I even want to.
Hang in there, people.
June 1st, 2006 at
I have lost a friend I was close with for 2 years. I can’t imagine the hurt those are feeling that lost their friends of 12-20 years. My friend’s husband is ill. She said it is serious but not life threatning but says her husband is very private and doesn’t want anyone to know. All the plans we had as families together for this summer had to stop because she needed to devote time to him and time to visiting relatives.Four days after telling me this she says her husband has taken a job in WV and will commute back and forth this summer since she wants her daughter to stay here for her senior year. Two days after telling me about the moving she switched her work schedule and now doesn’t take lunch. one week after that my birthday came and went without even a verbal happy birthday.That day she did say they got bad news and to just leave her alone.I left a present for her daughter’s b-day at the end of that same week to find it sitting on my desk one week later when I got back from vaca. I left her alone for 6 weeks but then said we finally had to talk. She confronted me and said I asked for space.I asked her how long. She said forever. I said I can’t e-mail when you move or call you like Amy does? You are not Amy-I have known her for 16 years and you are not her. We weren’t friends for that long. When I asked her if her husband told her to break our frinedship her only repsonse was I will not talk about anything personal I will only talk about work. Decisions have been made at home and I will abide by them.I am still so broken up because I don’t know if he is controlling her or if she can’t handle having a close relationship. This Amy lives 2000 miles away and she e-mails her abouth twice a month and talks once a month. They see each other 2 days every 2-3 years. The other issue is that she pulled this same thing over on a ex-employee about 3 years ago. I went over by her and like me she said she thought they were close. She also did football games, concerts, lunch and suppers with her and even did things with her sisters and mother. She too was so confused when their friendship just was stopped instantly one day. I really need to have closure as to whether it is her husband or whether she has a disorder when it comes to closeness. What does everyone else think?
June 2nd, 2006 at
I have one question: how long has your friend been married to this man? It sounds like he is controlling her to some degree, but if that’s the case, she will NEVER admit it. Most women who are victims of a controlling, manipulating man sometimes don’t even realize it until something drastic really happens. Some women in these situations won’t admit it even if they DO realize it. AND all of them will defend these men in their lives TOOTH and NAIL so I do not recommend that you pry into her relationship with him. It will not help and she will distance herself even more. I have experienced this same thing with my friends and LOST them for good because I tried to make them realize that these men were IDIOTS and it backfired. It always DOES. I just recently sent a “closure” e-mail to the friend I lost after 20 years and got NO response, but it still made me feel like the bigger person. So, if you need to get things off your chest in order to move on. I recommend you do so. Good luck!
Marilyn
June 2nd, 2006 at
I have or had this friend. . .I call her friend even though she’s an elevated acquainance. . I only know her a few short years. She’s someone I used to work with, but I wouldn’t say she was one of my closest friends. During the time we were friendly, this person always had a situation. . .let it be a bad boyfriend, loss of a job, financial troubles, whatever. I suppose she considered me a new ‘best friend’ as she would constantly call me a shower me with all her difficulties. Now, I’m a good listener, but there’s only so much one can take! I let this go on. She would soon find a new boyfriend at a job she reluctantly took after having no other leads. Her life turned out pretty good despite all the trauma, but to date she continues to complain and mar everything good. While some continue to search for silver linings, she’s right there to tell you the silver lining is actually brown. . . you see what I’m saying?
What could have been a fun friendship turned sour because all she ever did was complain. We had much in common due to the fact that we worked together. . but she took that fun, simple friendship and made it into something so stifling. I pulled away. I honestly could NOT handle it anymore. For whatever problem arose, it became mine. When she was wronged somehow, we were all wronged (this goes for her other pals). This may sound cruel to some, but at the time of this drama scenario, I had my 20 year friendship that was going through her mental breakdown as well. . . .things were way out of control.
To me, friendships are supposed to be a good thing, but when something or someone begins to make you feel like you are obligated or pressured for whatever reason, it’s time to re-evaluate. Relationships in general, whether it be a husband, boyfriend etc., are difficult enough, but when you have a friend who is just as demanding on you. . . it makes things that much harder.
I don’t want to come off hard or cruel, but I have always been the person relied upon. . .always! And even though I’ve lost in this department, I totally believe there are reasons for it. Where there are endings. . there are beginnings. For as difficult it is to swallow, people come in and out of our lives for reasons. .. they have their purpose and so do we.
June 3rd, 2006 at
I agree with you. Once I start feeling like I’m the one pulling all the weight in a relationship, I try to take a step back as soon as I recognize that feeling. It helps to evaluate the situation…sometimes it can be fixed, but my experience has led me to find that many times it can’t be helped in the cases of naturally pessimistic people. For me, it’s never a total loss because I can usually find something to learn from the situation. Here’s to future positive> relationships! \–*/
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June 4th, 2006 at
Shelley from June 1 in response to Marilyn from June2-she has been married to this man for 22 years. She helped put him through college and they struggled getting married at only 20. She has always said to me that his job has always been number 1 to him and since he makes 80% of the income she can’t have a say when they need to move. This will be their 4th-or 5th move in the last 22 years.he never even wanted kids but knew she did. It is just so difficult for me to get closure because after 2-2 1/2 years I thought I knew her. Everyone thinks since she broke up with the ex-employee that she can’t handle committing to a good and daily friendship. But there is a part of me that feels the husband is to blame and when her twins go off to college in five years that her life will crumble. She is known as a Mom only and now a wife only. She said intially that her husband made sacrifices and now she will too. That it might help their marriage. This was all said the day she told me he was ill. That is why I will worry for the rest of my life if she is safe or if there is abuse that the verbal abuse may turn worse once the kids are moved out.
June 12th, 2006 at
Hey Angela, Crystalline,
I get what you’re saying, but with some people I think “negativity” (on the part of other people) is just an excuse that some very poor friends use to deflect attention away from themseleves. I mean, I’m a pretty open guy, and a good listener, but the catch is that you actually have to SAY something. I remember going through a VERY hard time in my life (for several reasons that had nothing to do with my “friend,” even though his distancing added to my sadness). Where else am I going to go? This is why we HAVE friends, isn’t it? To share the good times as well as the bad? I agree with you both completely that someone who constantly complains and is negative is a drain. But if a person starts going through job problems, marriage problems, etc, at that particular time in his life it’s going to be hard to focus on other things.
My point is, my “friend” used my hard times against me as justification for “distancing himself,” when in reality he never really lifted a finger to stay in touch once I moved away. And now that I’ve moved through my job problems and marriage problems (have been resolved for years) he STILL doesn’t do a whole lot to stay in touch. I just dropped a note letting him know I’d be in town on a business trip soon… wanna grab a beer? No response. It’s bad enough if you get some kind of lame-ass excuse or even a very good excuse… but to not even be acknowledged… that’s just confusing. It’s confusing that when he and I DO talk, so long as I am superficial as hell and don’t discuss my own problems in any way, he seems pleasant. But if I have an expectation or need him to hold up his end… he vanishes like a wisp of vapor. It’s beyond rude. It’s beyond lethargic and dysfunctional. I don’t even know what the hell this IS. I mean, if you don’t want to be someone’s friend or make any effort whatsoever, then why even bother with the superficial chats and jokes? Jeez, I just emailed another college buddy of mine with the same message, that I’d be in town on a business trip, and HE replied the next day saying “Yeah! Definitely!” How hard is that? I’ve talked to this other guy about my troubles as often as he has with me… where did “negativity” enter into the picture in THAT case? But with the first guy, the guy who never responds or makes effort… he’s talked about his troubles with me too… I’ve never held it over his head.
I hate people who justify their own laziness with other peoples’ hard luck. It sucks. Not accusing you two… just trying to make a point.
June 12th, 2006 at
Joe, I don’t take what you said as accusatory or personal. . this is why we found this website so we can bounce stories/problems off each other.
I do agree with you. . friends are there for you through thick and thin. I have been there, and still am for the friends I have in my life today. What I don’t want however, is for someone to measure every little thing I do. If I call one friend and not the other. . .that’s no reason to jump down my throat. We’re grown women. . .I’m lucky if I remember my own name sometimes. It’s hard to manage relationships that require much more than you can possibly give. I had my head torn off about a year ago for letting a week go by without calling her to check in. I can’t argue with this. I’ll only promise to do better and be more attentive, but honestly, I can’t. There HAS to be time in there for me without my checking in constantly. . .she has been and always will be an extreme person. It’s either all or nothing with her. . nothing in between regardless of any situation.
On the other side of this tennis court, there’s another pal who is going through some major changes in her life and prefers time away. So you see, everyone is different. When someone tells me they just need to deal with things on their own and for me not to be angry, I just tell them to call or email when you need me. And that’s it.
At this stage in the game. . . at the age I’m at right now, I don’t need to deal with people who watch every little step I make just waiting for me to screw up. . .that’s what that old pal did. She now needs to live the life she kicked and screamed about having and stop worrying what everyone else is doing and not doing for her.
Now Joe, you might me cruel again, but believe me when I tell you there wasn’t a time when I wasn’t there. . .It is now time for me to start taking care of me.
June 12th, 2006 at
Hi Angela:
I believe you, don’t worry. And I understand where you’re coming from. You’re right, extremities like that are too much. In my own case, I just get pissed when, like, if I don’t initiate contact, I’ll probably never hear from this guy again. Back when we were much closer, I did ask for him to check in every couple of weeks, you know (it was a close friendship). Didn’t need an eight page letter. Just a “hey.” Then as we started growing apart, I would’ve settled for every couple of months, just like I do from my… well… “less close friends” isn’t the right term but there are sorta like levels of friends, you know? And the people who are closest to me, I just naturally notice that two or three weeks is the limit I can go without feeling like it’s time to check in, but a five minute “hey” and a catch-up can dispell that feeling easily. With other friends, same thing, but the feeling doesn’t hit me until like every two or three months.
But with some people I guess that’s more like two or three years, and only then if they were heading out your way anyway or else reorganizing their phone directory… somehow you get the feeling that if they hadn’t come across you in the normal course of what they were doing anyway, they never would’ve thought twice about you… and that harshly contradicts the closeness you once had.
I just don’t understand THAT kind of mentality at all. Just casually shut it off like that, like it’s of no consequence. With the people who are close to ME, that’s impossible for me to do. If we had only met on a superficial level to begin with, fine, I could do that. But once we’ve become a bit closer… I can’t be that cold. I value friendship too much.
Anyway, glad you took my post above in the spirit in which it was intended…
June 16th, 2006 at
All:
I recently found out that my mom’s best friend of 40 years was diagnosed with stomach cancer (advanced) so I felt compelled to send an e-mail to my ex-friend a long overdue “closure” e-mail wishing her well. I copied and pasted it below…
Hi Michele…
I hope you and your family are all doing well as you read this e-mail. I needed to say the following…
I felt it was extremely important for you to know that even though we have both chosen separate paths for many reasons and have moved into new chapters in our lives, I will always cherish what we had, which most people don’t EVER get in a lifetime. All my pride aside, I do sincerely wish you happiness and have no doubt in my mind that your children will do extremely well in life.
I recently found out that my mother’s lifelong friend was diagnosed with stomach cancer (advanced) and I felt a STRONG URGE to let you know that I have not erased 20 years from my memory and think about you, Dee & Ris often even though I know that we will never be the same again. Life is too short and although we can’t change things between us, these things needed to be said.
-Marilyn
A week went by before I got a response from her and you would NOT believe her demeanor! She was very cold, defensive and pointing fingers at me for driving her away because I wasn’t in “her corner” 100%. She felt the need to say that this wasn’t her “choice”. It was ME who drove her to this choice.
Can you please tell me if my e-mail warranted a nasty response from her in any way? BE HONEST…I prefer honesty ALWAYS!
Thanks.
Marilyn
June 17th, 2006 at
Sounds like guilt.
June 20th, 2006 at
Marilyn, I went back and read your previous postings and it sounds like you’ve been nothing but a true, fun, supportive friend. What I don’t understand is why she would be angry with you. In my own experiences when I was in a relationship my friends didn’t approve of, I was given ultimatums (I will never forget that) simply stating that for as long as I am with him, we are not welcome in their company. I swallowed that. I never flipped out. . I just continued what I was doing. I personally, would or could ever do that to someone, but we all have to go through what we have to go through and no one is going to tell us otherwise.
Even though you may not have approved of her relationship, I don’t see anywhere that you came down on her. . .you actually stood by. Did she ever tell you why she’s so angry at you?
June 20th, 2006 at
Angela:
I think everyone has their own definition of “good friend” and in my opinion, she will never have a friend like me in her lifetime. In her response to my e-mail above, she accused me of “driving her away” by my constant “negativity and criticism”, so in answer to your question, in her head, I am 100% at fault for the end of our friendship and she did not “choose” this, but was “forced” into it.
I was accused of being negative because each time this man (who if you remember was married) disappointed her or made promises he didn’t keep or lied to her or STOOD HER UP, I would voice my opinion to try to keep her from allowing another woman’s man from walking all over her. I was constantly giving her reality checks and I guess nobody wants to constantly be reminded of how FOOLISH they’re being if they’re going to keep allowing it to happen. Follow?
In retrospect, I guess I could’ve just stood by and bit my tongue every time she shared another story about how this MARRIED man disappointed her, but I just couldn’t do that. In addition, she was changing, she was becoming this whole new person. One who allows a married man into her children’s lives putting them at risk of being disappointed. She was becoming this person who had no regard for the man’s wife of 23 years. She would actually make horrible comments about his wife and carried on as if she didn’t even exist. Each time I tried to get her to see things just a little differently (i.e. we don’t really know what happened in their marriage, we only know HIS side of the story), I was accused of being “negative”. Each time she would say things like “he only lives with his wife, but his heart belongs to me” or “could you believe his wife took the cell phone that I purchased for him”, I JUST COULDN’T SEE THINGS THROUGH HER EYES…SHE WASN’T THINKING CLEARLY OBVIOUSLY.
I guess people sometimes choose to believe what makes them happy. My sound bites of REALITY did not make her happy, they would pull her out of her little fantasy world, back to real-life and she didn’t like it.
I always want the best for my friends and for them to be happy, so I ask you, if living in a fantasy world and going after another woman’s man NO MATTER WHAT was compromised along the way made my friend happy, should I have kept my reality checks to myself? Let me know what you think.
Also, my 20 year high school reunion is coming up in October and I am REALLY TORN about going. We would both be sitting with the same people and I don’t think I could do it. I am so angry at her for ending this friendship that I don’t think I could attend this reunion if she’s going to be there. WHAT WOULD YOU DO? ANYBODY????
Thanks.
June 21st, 2006 at
You’re dealing with a VERY selfish woman. She wants what she wants when she wants it and those who don’t fit or go along, have no place in that bubble. All aside, you should be proud of the kind of friend you were to her and the friend you remain to be with those around you today. A person like this lives in their own world. Everything is about them and for them. As for the reunion, I think you should go. Don’t let this person ruin anything for you. What comes around goes around. Someday, when she realizes the man she stole has been stolen from her, she’ll reach out to you and then you’ll have the chance to decide whether or not YOU want her in your life or not.
June 21st, 2006 at
I’m definitely leaning toward attending the reunion. It’s rightfully mine and I shouldn’t allow anyone’s ignorance ruin it for me. I hope to GOD she does realize someday what she’s done and I do get that chance to tell her that she’s no longer welcome in my life! I’m really glad I found this blog. My closest friends and relatives have been very supportive, but can’t really relate to what I’m going through.
Thanks Angela!
June 25th, 2006 at
Hey Marilyn:
Just a little bit of added perspective…
I was kind of in the opposite place as you. As disappointed in my friend as I am, I can’t rightfully say that I didn’t play a part in wrecking it. As I stated above I went through some awful times. Three major problems crashed down on me all at once… and my friend’s slow distancing and withdrawal from the friendship was one of them. He too accused me of being negative and always focusing on negative things. In his case he might’ve been somewhat right, but what can you do, you know? You have problems, you want to go to your friends.
My point is… I wasn’t at my healthiest at that time, either. These days I’m really torn between how much of this was about me and how much was about him, and at the end of it all I find that it doesn’t really make any difference, because on way or another the damage has been done. It’s just that, when I solved the other two problems and then confronted my friend on the things HE was doing that were driving me crazy, after a while I got better. Things don’t stay the same. They change. And when your friend, IF your friend, ever realizes that she screwed up by going after this guy, chances are she will change as a result of that realization, too. And so if she changes yet is still no longer welcome in your life… what does that say, you know?
Christ, what a mess we all create, don’t we?
June 27th, 2006 at
Joe:
It’s always helpful to hear a different perspective. Thanks. I understand what you’re saying. I can’t imagine her ever admitting she was wrong about ending our friendship, but let’s say that she did, why would I allow someone who kicked me to the curb as if I meant NOTHING to her, back into my life or my son’s life. My son would NOT stop asking about her for months and finally stopped. I could NEVER put him through that again and I could never look at her the same. I don’t feel I can trust her anymore nor do I respect who she’s become. So, maybe it seems evil of me not to forgive and forget, but she would absolutely deserve it and totally provoked it.
Thanks again.
July 9th, 2006 at
The last time I wrote was on March 2, when I was feeling devastated over two long-time close friendships that seemed to be dying away. I’ve been following this blog since then, and reading everyone’s comments, and sharing in your feelings. It helps to know that we are not alone in the value that we all place on maintaining a close friendship. It’s not easy to find true friends and soul mates in this world, and I think all of us cherish those relationships when we are lucky enough to find them. I still cannot understand why everyone does not place the same value on this, and how they can just walk away from a friendship. But in the interest of my own sanity, I am finally learning to accept that, as Paige says, “THEY JUST CAN.” The “WHY” part of it ultimately doesn’t matter as much as accepting this simple fact. The bottom line is that if a friendship is no longer alive, in spite of my honest efforts to do what I can to keep it alive, then it is no longer good for ME to put valuable time and energy into it. Life is short, and people change. Sometimes that might mean that my close friends change and move on. . . . There is really nothing I can do about it! There are many other people to meet and become friends with, so I am learning to stop beating myself up and just LET GO. I have been working on this for the past few months and am feeling much stronger about it. The 8-year friendship I had mentioned has actually gotten better again. The 15-year friendship, which is the one I’ve been the most torn up about, has NOT gotten better; and if anything, it has gotten worse. In pulling back from my own efforts, I have found that this former friend rarely initiates contact any more and has allowed our special shared ritual — something I looked forward to several times a year for the last 15 years — to completely die. I have tried to ask her about it, but she always has some lame excuse. But instead of focusing on WHY this is happening, as I was doing before, now I realize that there is nothing more that I can do. So instead, I am focusing on what benefit I am getting from this relationship at this point in time. The answer is that I’m not getting ANYTHING out of it any more — not the joy of a shared ritual, not the intimacy of a confidant, not the fun of looking forward to spending time with a longtime friend. She’s not getting these things, either, but for whatever reason, she doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter why; she just doesn’t care. This friendship is no long good for her or for me, so I am LETTING GO! While this is terribly sad, it is also liberating to let go of the burden of guilt (that it’s my fault somehow) and anger (at her). Letting go doesn’t make our past special times any less special. I still have those memories, which in time I hope I will cherish.
July 10th, 2006 at
Yeah. I have to agree. I thought my friendship was getting better too but it’s not. Back to the same old crap again. No initiation on his part, no real effort… it’s like I don’t exist.
I can’t do anything anymore. I tried. Maybe I played the greater part in screwing it up in the first place. Maybe he did. I don’t know. What does it matter? Reconcilliation requires the effort of two people, just as friendships do.
I don’t know if I’m going to post on this website again. I just hope that somewhere down the line I find some greater meaning to all of this, something that makes the disintegration of a once-precious friendship… worthwhile, somehow. Maybe I won’t. In that case I hope the pain eventually does fade altogether.
Good luck to all of you. And just remember that you aren’t nuts for feeling how you feel. From what I can tell most of us feel the same way.
July 14th, 2006 at
It’s so good to read all of your replies, as it’s hard to find this kind of information and support, on the web, or even from other friends and family in my life.
One of my best friends for the last 6 years, who has been most like a sister to me in my life, and I began drifting apart about 8 months ago. She had been friends with me and my partner, and when my relationship ended, she assured both of us that she would still be friends with both of us. In the first few months after the breakup she stood by me valiantly, and as I healed and began to go out and have fun again, she sank into her own depression. Actually, she began dating a guy she’d had a years-long on-again, off-again relationship that always left her feeling miserable. She stopped calling any of her friends, or going out at all. I understood and figured she needed time; I’d call and make contact, ask her to go out, but shen she didn’t return my calls, I figured she was just dealing with this guy or feeling depressed. After a few months her and this guy broke up (again), and while I would have been more than heppy to return the favor of helping her through her breakup, she did not reach out to me at all, even as I tried to reach out to her, and while she reached out to our other friends. Since then she has been partying and going out with all our other mutual friends except me. I have absolutely no idea why, and it really only occurred to me that it had something specifically to do with me about one month ago, when she wsas very cold to me at a party after I hadn’t seen her for over a month. At first I was very sad, and now I’m extremely angry. I want to confront her, and ask why the cold shoulder, but I know I’ll have difficulty doing that without going off the handle. Suffice it to say, I am extremely upset over this cold shoulder, especially when she is still friends with all our other mutual friends, and I can’t think of a single thing I could have done to change that.
August 1st, 2006 at
I have a friend of 20 years who I am sure is feeling the way many of the people on this site feel. I am dealing with the recent death of my father. She wasn’t supportive while I was caring for him when he was dying. She would call and never once asked how he was doing. When I tried to bring my father’s condition, she would change the subject. When he passed away, she was shocked. What did she think I was doing going back and forth to the hospital for 6 months? Following his death, she called incessantly. I wasn’t angy with her, but I needed some time to deal with my grief. I emailed her telling her, I would call when I felt like talking. She continues to call constantly and send angry emails. Is is so difficult to understand that I need some time to myself following my father’s death? I do have other friends I talk to, but they were the people that helped me and my family as we were struggling with my father’s illness. Maybe I am being selfish right now, but struggling to get my life in order. Caring for my dying father took a tremendous toll on me, I am exhausted. I missed a considerable amount of time from work and I am trying desperately to get caught up. I understand she is hurt because she feels she is losing a friendshp, but I am dealing with a death of a parent. Is it reasonable to want a few months to myself?
August 3rd, 2006 at
Please don’t feel bad Janet! You and your family have gone through and will continue to go through so much . . .the LAST thing you need to deal with is a selfish friend. . .because that’s what they are. . .selfish. It’s about them all the time. Rather than putting their own lack of confidence and self esteem aside, they force themselves on you so that you pay attention to them.
I get the feeling that you’re pretty satisfied and content with who you have around you now. Those are the folks you want to be in your life. Surround yourself with good, positive people. No one has to be your very ‘best friend’, but they should be somewhat reliable and caring. . .which I’m sure they are. Don’t let this person make you feel bad in any way. This is their unusual way of feeling guilty. . .they turn it around and blame you. Don’t even give them the satisfaction.
Stay strong and remember its about you, not them.
August 21st, 2006 at
Hello,
I found this when looking for a site offering advice about friendships ending. I have reached the end of the road with one good frind who has been around for 5 years now. We shared the death of our father’s (within 6 months) and she was the person who I turned to when I split up with my last serious boyfriend. Lately (in a group of 4 close friends) I am the only one she snaps at, if I try to apologise about something she tells me that she does not want to hear it and the last time we met she had an antire conversation with me without looking me in the eye once.
I feel that I cannot continue to censor who I am in case it upsets her. I don’t know how to move forward without losing her.
August 21st, 2006 at
I just recently broke off a friendship of 4 years in a way that is probably not nearly as civil as the rest. My husband and I were best friends with a couple, they were the Best Man and Matron of Honor in our wedding, we were close with each others families, we built our house a couple of miles down the road to be close. Not a day went by that we didn’t see each other or talk to each other. Then a couple of months ago the wife of the couple was at the bar drinking and got caught in a bad situation with another guy, what happened nobody really knows. None the less I found this hurtful to everyone involved, I questioned if our morals and values were the same as they were before. At first she called and told me a story, that later I found out to be false. Then when I told her that I did’nt approve she gradually started to distance herself from me. As things seemed to “blow over” they started to hang out a lot with the man she was caught with and his wife, saying that she did’nt want something stupid to ruin their friendship. Now my husband was being ignored by my best friends husband too, he never asked him to come over, or help with things like he used too. For months we went on with small talk, and she still said we were best friends and nothing would ever change that. But her actions spoke a different story. So this past weekend we were out having some drinks and they came in with the other couple. I said something to the husband to the effect of “Does my husband have to try to sleep with your wife for you to talk to him again” Needless to say this brought on a series of expletives, and they abruptly left. I am sad that I did that they way I did, but feel like for the last few months all they do is go out and drink (they have a young daughter that gets completely ignored, and spends most of her time in the bar or with drunk adults), and all morals have been thrown out the window. All they did was talk about themselves, never did either one ask if we were okay. I called every week just to see how things were going, and not once did she reciprocate. She is a selfish person, who treats her children terribly and lies and manipulates every situation to her advantage. These are things people have been trying to tell me for years, but I have ignored or been blind to. Now I feel like the most lonely person in the world. My husband completely supports me, which is wonderful. So now the problem is that we live in a small town, and have a small town bar that we both go to. I am nervous to show my face, or to see them around. How do I handle this????
August 23rd, 2006 at
Hi Crystal,
It sounds to me like you did nothing wrong. Perhaps things could have been phrased differently, but your message seems to say thatthis other couple changed - not you and your husband.
Keep your head high and try to find new people that are on your wavelength. No matter how lonely you may feel now, a manipulative ‘friend’ won’t help.
August 30th, 2006 at
I read some of the posts since i was dealing with a similar situation where i felt that i should let go of a 3 year friendship.But what I realise is that while friendship is very important and we all need true and healthy relationships with people we still need to remain a since of self.By this I mean that we always define ourselves by external circumstances and people and neglect who we really are.In any relationship there should always be a level of awareness and independence.People will hurt you regardless of how close you are to them,people change and sometimes there is nothing you can do about.You cannot hold yourself responsible for the actions of others and although it is hard sometimes to deal with hurt feelings, the positive is situations like this allow us to step back and take a look at yourself.Everything is a matter of perspective and maybe some of us may have feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem which makes us think that we are to blame when things happen.My suggestion for anyone that has been hurt is to step back,evaluate the situation in order to know what you are dealing with,talk to the person and communicate your feelings if possible and then let go of the situation as hard as it might be.Use this as an opportunity to get to know you better,establish a level of self-awareness,get to know your strengths and weakness and continue or start to decorate your own soul instead of waiting for persons to bring you happiness.
August 30th, 2006 at
Beautifully put and so right! Relationships, no matter what they are, should enhance your life not define it. Life is filled with bitter, hard lessons and its what you get out of it that truly matters.
September 4th, 2006 at
Everyone, I have just sat here for over an hour reading all of these entries…absolutely amazing. You’re losing friendships that are 15, 20, and 30 years old, and I’m heartbroken about a friendship that is only 2 years old - I can’t imagine what you must be going through.
I’m in the military, (28 years old), and it’s hard to make friends as a female, and even harder to make those friendships last. But I met the most wonderful friend (she’s 32 years old) two years ago, the first day I got to my new duty station. We immediately hit it off and went out that very night. We have been the best of friends ever since, always able to make each other laugh when no one else could, sharing secrets and fears, sharing a passion for the same line of work, supporting each other in every way…she was like a sister!
Then she met a guy she fell in love with, and I was placed on the back-burner a little, which was ok. I understood that she was just really taken with him. Then I met a guy, too, and things were great; she and I were both happy and we were talking all the time on the phone, even if we weren’t getting together as much.
Then she and her guy started fighting all the time; she was calling me only when they were fighting and she even stayed over at my apartment a couple of times. I am friends with him, as well, so I was always fixing them back up. They were very on / off again for awhile, and then he proposed. That seemed to fix everything. So she and I started getting ready for her wedding (she asked me to be her Maid of Honor); we went gown shopping together, picked out all the stuff for the wedding, etc.
Right before the wedding, the relationship I’d been in for eight months ended. I was devastated - we’re talking DAYS before her wedding, and I’m sleeping on her couch because I don’t want to be in my apartment. This guy was even supposed to go to the wedding with me. But I pulled it together and went to Vegas alone. I hung out with my best friend and met her bridesmaids, one of which had just divorced out of an eight-year marriage and was getting ready to go to Iraq, so I found her very easy to talk to, just as my best friend had said I would. We all had a great time!
The night before her wedding she had arranged for all of us to go to a club in the hotel that was doing a 70’s night. So we all dressed up in 70’s attire and paid $45 per person and went to this club after we’d all just eaten dinner together. After we’d been at the club for about two hours, the bridesmaid who had just gone through the divorce asked me if I wanted to check out another club (we just weren’t into the 70s music). I debated and then went up to my best friend and asked her if she minded if this other girl and I went to check out this other club. She said not at all, go ahead. So we went to the other club.
I don’t know how it ended up happening, but the rest of the bridesmaids and groomsmen and most of the rest of the guests followed us up to the club. I had been drinking and was having a great time - it never dawned on me that if they were at that other club, then who was with my best friend and her fiancee? I didn’t invite them to come, and didn’t know they had followed us until we saw them in line outside the club way behind us. It was supposed to be just that one bridesmaid and me.
My best friend was horrible to us the next day, most especially to me. It took me forever to figure out why she was even upset. Once I did I apologized profusely and explained that it was never my intention to take everyone away from hanging out with her at the 70s club. She said some really horrible things to me and then yelled at all three of us (me and the two bridesmaids) – she wouldn’t let us help her with her gown or anything. The other two girls were balling their eyes out – I was in awe of how horribly she was behaving. I stayed for the wedding because I love her - I was so close to leaving. Then after the wedding, she seemed to be better and I thought we could get back on track. I chalked it up to nerves (although I was so freaked out by her behavior).
I had to leave for Iraq the next day. I ended up being gone for nearly two months. During that time, I called and emailed - the couple of times I got her on the phone, the conversation was strained. Her email responses were curt, or she didn’t respond at all. This was completely out of character for us. I knew things weren’t the same and figured we’d talk about it when I got back.
I called as soon as I got in and got her voicem