I should spend more time laughing at myself, I should spend more time laughing.
(I can’t believe I’ve never used that quote for a title before.)
A few weeks ago, Sarah talked about why she is afraid of thunderstorms. I get a little freaked out at thunderstorms (or any loud noises, really) when I’m asleep, but overall I like them, especially in the evening when they cool things off. And in the winter when a thunderstorm is supposed to mean snow. hehe. And, you know, I’m a little bit afraid of big dogs, and spiders creep me out, and when Mike goes out of town I usually sleep with the light on, but I can’t think of anything like what Sarah is talking about.
There are, of course, things that freak me out. Mine are just a little more internal. Like public embarassment. Earlier this week I pretty much made a fool of myself at work, and when I went to bed that night, my whole body hurt from tension. I couldn’t sleep. I was mortified. It wasn’t something that was a big deal, but I couldn’t let it go. Mike was pretty patient about it, but even he was like, “You have got to let this go.” And then I was afraid he was going to think I was being too much work (which . . . I probably was), and I was getting all neurotic about a simple mistake that anyone could make. That everyone probably laughed about and forgot. I mean, yeah, it was dumb, and maybe they do think I’m an airheaded ditz, but why does that matter so much?
Over a year ago, I said the following:
Mike says that when most people play games in a group setting, their goals are something normal, like having fun or winning. He says that my goal is usually just to not look stupid, but that no one is looking at my poor Nerts skills and thinking that I am stupid. I realize that it’s very egocentric of me to think that everyone is looking at me all the time. I think I can be pretty paranoid about not knowing how to do things, or not having information that other people have. I know why I feel that way (I suppose everyone feels that way to some extent), but it was definitely causing me to overreact. It’s funny – I am a competitive person, but, for once, I wasn’t upset about losing. I didn’t expect to win this game the first time I played it. I just felt a lot of unreasonable shame about being the only person with a negative score.
I spend a lot (and I mean a lot) of time trying not to look stupid. It’s pretty much always my goal. I tend to be afraid that I’ve got the book-knowledge covered, but not so much the common sense. I know that no one likes looking stupid, but I’m not sure where my fear came from that makes it the overarching goal of my life. If I had to speculate, I would say that it possibly comes from the fact that I know I’m not very extraordinary. I don’t have any musical abilities, or artistic abilities, or athletic abilities. The only thing I had growing up was that I was the girl who always made the best grades, the girl who read the fastest and the most, but those aren’t such important skills to have in the real world. No one cares about my GPA anymore (and, really, I am glad to say that I have mostly moved away from the stage of my life in which I defined myself by my GPA), which means I have to find other ways to be extraordinary, or at least to not stand out as unworthy. And as my definition of myself for so long included being the smartest, I control things as much as I can, I gather as much information as I can, I do everything as right as I can . . . so that at least I won’t look stupid. I might not be the smartest, but I can try very hard not to be the dumbest.
But, as Mike says, everyone looks stupid now and then, so it shouldn’t throw me off as much as it does. It’s not the end of the world. I shouldn’t be physically sore because I embarassed myself (unless maybe I embarassed myself by falling down a flight of stairs or something).
I want to be one of those people who can laugh at herself. Is that a skill I can learn?
August 12th, 2005 at
I’m pretty much the same way, I try so hard to not say or do something ridiculous in front of people and when I leave friends or family I have a bad habit of re-capping what I said and wondering if it was something dumb or offensive. And then Jeremy will have to stop me and ask why I even let my brain go there and he’s right to a point but I am still learning to understand my need to be viewed as perfect. As you know lots of embarrasing stuff has happened to me and if I laugh about it when I really want to cry it kind of makes me put it all in perspective….
August 12th, 2005 at
You are someone I want to emulate in this, Shelby, because I have noticed how you choose to laugh when embarassing things happen instead of letting them get to you, and it has always impressed me a lot. In fact, I had you in mind when I wrote that last part . . . “I want to be like Shelby” is really what I was thinking.
August 12th, 2005 at
You can learn it. I did.
August 12th, 2005 at
Oh yeah, you can learn it. And my learn it I mean start doing it. Just let it go. I know it’s not that easy, but there’s not a lot to learn except doing it.
And, BTW, I’m lousy at Nerts… but I keep playing.
August 12th, 2005 at
I haven’t played Nerts since that night, and I don’t plan to play it again. But, good for you.
August 12th, 2005 at
I’ve been reading your posts for a while, just quietly thinking to myself, “Wow, we have a lot in common,” but I had to comment on this one just because I could have easily written it myself. I’d just have to change Mike to Matt (my husband’s name).
August 12th, 2005 at
Hi, Brandy!
It’s nice to know other people can relate.
August 12th, 2005 at
I definitely think this is something learnable. Like other lessons, though, you might not like the learning process.
August 12th, 2005 at
I think so. I used to take myself seriously. I still do some. But … yeah.
August 15th, 2005 at
I never do stupid things. I have no idea what any of you are talking about.
August 16th, 2005 at
I’m with Brandy in that I could definitely have written this myself.
I, too, beat myself up mentally until I am literally physically sore, all because I think I said something that sounded stupid or did something that looked stupid. Yes, I know that the person I said or did it to probably forgot it immediately afterward, but that doesn’t seem to matter to me.
And as far as defining yourself by your GPA, I can totally relate. I think this past year has been the hardest for me because, being out of school, I can no longer define myself by my GPA. I moved to College Station right after I graduated, so my current friends don’t know anything about who I once was. So I can’t fall back on being the girl with the 4.0 GPA, or the girl with the highest grades who always aced the chemistry tests. Without that as my identity, I feel like I have nothing good to offer. I’m not even doing that great spiritually, so I can’t be the super-christian girl I once prided myself for being, the one who always had a quiet time and always did the Jesus-like thing. So I feel even stupider than usual, which just is not fun.
And, as for games, I’m super competitive if I’m with my husband or family with whom I feel comfortable. But if I’m with a group of people, I usually try to get out of playing, using the excuse that I “just want to watch”. And if I can’t do that, I’m definitely not focused on winning; all I can focus on is not looking stupid. Especially if it involves acting out scenes or something like that. Oh, gosh, I hate those!!!
So yeah… I really relate