Through a Glass, Darkly

For the past, I’d say, week and a half, I’ve been waking up every morning around 3:00 or 4:00 am. Unless I take something to help me sleep. Which I really can’t do every single night. Some mornings I go back to sleep after an hour or so, and some mornings, such as yesterday morning, I don’t. I’ve tried everything I can think of, and still, every night some time between 3:11 and 4:23, I’m awake and the clock is racing toward 6:30 with no rest in sight.

I’ve had a lot on my mind, but it’s still unusual for me to be so wakeful. I’m used to the kind of insomnia that keeps me from falling asleep, not as much the kind where I wake up and can’t fall back to sleep. Mike said it was a mental thing, I had myself believing that I was going to wake up, so of course I did. All I know is that I’ve been sluggish and feeling not very much like myself. I haven’t been able to do the things I wanted to do around the house, I haven’t packed as much as I wanted, I haven’t exercised like I planned. I’ve just been too tired.

I think Wednesday night helped, though. It helped to be with my friends at church, and it helped to go to the service and offer God some of those issues that have been occupying my thoughts. It helped to sit in the darkened sanctuary and say, “I know that holding on to this is wrong, and I want to let it go.” It’s not as if everything is fixed, not by any means. But it feels like some balance has been restored. (No midi-chlorian jokes, please.) Yesterday I felt more peaceful than I had in a while. I worked around the house yesterday evening, even though I was tired, and it felt good. Ironing, cleaning, packing. Last night I was so worn out that I slept straight through until my alarm.

Sometimes I stick with what I’m used to, even if it’s not working, because I don’t really care for change. I often need to hit a really low point before I’m willing to make the effort. That’s been this week in a nutshell.