Through a Glass, Darkly

In high school, I would probably have said that I embraced being a nerd. Captain of the Quiz Bowl team, valedictorian, hanging out in the library rather than “Senior Hall.” Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd. And though I was not going to change those things, I didn’t feel secure in who I was and in my friendships. I still longed to fit in. I didn’t embrace who I was. Who I am. A nerd. The relationships and the experiences I have had since then have given me a lot more perspective. I mean, for crying out loud, I have my Master’s in Library Science. What is that but a whole program full of nerds?

What I wouldn’t have guessed is how much more comfortable with myself my experiences have made me. In my early 20s, I felt pretty beat down by the weight of other people’s expectations and criticism. Exercising and learning how to feed my body in a more healthy way have given me a much greater handle on who I am and what is important to me. Some of the things that I have worked through over the years have given me more confidence and grounded me in some important ways. We are also incredibly lucky to be blessed with a group of friends who understand that, really, everyone is a little bit strange.

I don’t take these friends for granted, because I have been in relationships in the past where it was clear that I was not living up to expectations. Not to say these friends are perfect, but I appreciate that they care about who I am more than who they think I ought to be. This has played out on Monday nights, which are official Ultimate Frisbee nights for a group of our friends. They pressured me to play last summer, and I declined, but this year they asked again, and I thought, “Well, the running part of it might be a nice workout.” But I was finally honest that the reason I wasn’t too keen on playing was the very expensive eye surgery I had a few years ago. I don’t really fancy doing damage to my eyes. Jokingly I said, “If someone gets me some goggles, I will play.”

I have said these kinds of things before, and everyone laughs because no one expects me to wear goggles to play Ultimate Frisbee. Because only a real nerd would do that. But my friend both understood why I wanted them and took my “request” seriously. She showed up with goggles, which I wore. I looked ridiculous, and I knew I looked ridiculous, but what I loved about it was that no one really seemed to care. Most people didn’t even ask, and I got a couple of double takes, but everyone who asked was really cool about it. I get caught up in those teenage emotions that maybe everyone is looking at me, so it’s nice to be reminded that my friends don’t even notice weirdness like big goggles. They embrace big goggles. They think big goggles are so normal that they aren’t even worth mentioning.

So I wear safety goggles to play Ultimate Frisbee. I am also terrible at Ultimate Frisbee, but no one seems to care about that, either. Inspired by my goggles, one friend is planning on wearing gloves next week because she hurt her hand playing last year. Soon we will all be wearing safety equipment. And to think a nerd like me started it all.