Laden with Thoughts

The concert this evening was excellent. There’s something about Jason Harrod’s music that - what’s that expression - tugs on my heart strings. Even though I’ve heard him play many times, I can’t get enough.

I was too shy to talk to him though. The same thing happened when Derek Webb came to town. And now I’m thoroughly depressed that I didn’t get to tell him how cool I think he is.

Sigh. He has another show on Wednesday night. Maybe between now and then I can get the courage up to say, “Hey, great show. Will you marry me?”

(Just kidding, dear.)

Regarding last night’s post: is it strange that I am almost comforted knowing that I am not the only one who struggles with feelings of not being good enough? I’m sorry to know that people can commiserate with me.

At the same time, thank you for sharing your feelings with me. In a way I am encouraged… and it makes me a little less lonely knowing you all are out there. Know that you’re in my prayers.

Today has been a good day, I think. I spent time cleaning, reading, and drinking Starbucks (I recently switched from Grande to Venti) outside on the front porch. Cleaning always helps to keep me cheerful. Even though no one besides Josh, Seamus, and myself see the inside of our little apartment, I feel more confident going out in public when I have cleaned. It has something to do with the thought that I could invite someone over on a whim and they could walk in our apartment without seeing my underwear on the bathroom floor.

(Don’t get me wrong, it’s cute underwear! I just don’t want you to see it. Sorry.)

There are other things that make me cheerful, like having something to look forward to. I love having something to look forward to! Right now I have two things: a Jason Harrod concert tomorrow night, and an online course I have signed up for. The course is on C.S. Lewis’ writings, specifically The Chronicles of Narnia and Surprised by Joy.

It is an answer to prayer that I’m having an enjoyable day today. My hope is that I’m not the only one.

Sometimes it’s a relief to know that someone else feels the same way I do about something. At other times, it’s almost painful to think of another person experiencing the same emotions I experience during certain days (weeks, months, etc…).

Kari recently posted about being worried that people may not want to hang out with her. She often feels that if she calls her friends she will be bothering them. Kari… I feel the exact same way as you do. And I also think it stems from feeling not good enough. I constantly feel like I do a bad job at being a housewife, a friend, and a Christian.

It’s such a bad feeling… and you just feel more and more lonely. Tonight I am at home alone, and will be going to bed alone (Josh is out with friends). I feel sad and neglected, even though it was my decision to remain at home tonight. No one made me stay behind. Yet here I am, sitting on the floor of my living room, feeling tired, sad, and terribly lonely.

However… as much as I hate to be alone, sometimes I crave being alone, just because it means I won’t be bothering anyone.

Something fabulously fantastic happened two months ago. Reilly and I ordered new living room furniture! Yay! Furniture! For our living room! Well, we had to do it. Seamus bit a hole in our old ratty couch.

(See, this is why puppies are nice. They give you an excuse to throw away the old ratty couch and get a beautiful couch and chair set from an overpriced furniture store. Ahem.)

Our fabulously fantastic beautiful couch and chair set was supposed to be delivered today. But it wasn’t. Apparently the truck broke down. Good thing we paid seventy-five dollars and waited six weeks for it to be delivered today. (Remember today? The day the truck broke down?) I am fabulously bitter.

Josh is fantistically sitting on a beautiful folding chair, playing MarioKart. We have no new couch. We have no old ratty couch. We have only our empty living room and our destructive puppy and our uncomfortable folding chairs.

Fabulous fantastic beautiful bitterness.