Laden with Thoughts

My husband posted a few links to some songs my worship band recorded back in January. We’re planning on releasing a full-length album of acoustic hymns. If you’d like to listen, here’s a sampling. I’m the lead female vocal, while Josh plays the bass guitar.

(Please note that these were released to the general public against my will. Enh. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, as the saying goes. Enjoy!)

Fairest Lord Jesus, Ruler of all nature
O Thou of God and man the Son
Thee will I cherish, Thee will I honor
Thou, my soul’s glory, joy and crown

Fair are the meadows, fairer still the woodlands
Robed in the blooming garb of spring
Jesus is Fairer, Jesus is purer
Who makes the woeful heart to sing

Fair is the sunshine, fairer still the moonlight
And all the Twinkling starry host
Jesus shines brighter, Jesus shines purer
Than all the angels heaven can boast

Beautiful Savior, Lord of all nations
Son of God and Son of Man
Glory and honor, praise, adoration
Now and forever more be Thine

You are fairer still, today
You are fairer still, today
Precious Jesus, Lord, You are adored
As we worship, as we worship

Outside, the wind is blowing so forcefully I’m almost afraid the front door will bang open and reveal the horror that is Kathleen to all of Main Street: glasses on, hair up, and beer in hand. Southborough never saw it coming.

I’m a mess tonight. Life is hard enough without all these questions whirling around in my head, confusing and upsetting me. (When I wrote that word, “upsetting”, I initially thought it was too strong for what I feel, but upon a second inspection it is not.)

One can’t choose one’s life. Sure, we can make certain decisions along the way, but we can’t draw up plans for exactly how things are going to go, day by day, year by year. But damn, do I want it that way sometimes. The problem is I’m sad about things that don’t matter. How dumb is it to think that if I got to make the choices about my life (instead of leaving things up to God? or fate, if it comes into play?) I might be happier, or smarter, or better?

Pretty dumb, I know.

Still… I’m unable to shake this disturbed feeling. Is this where I want to be? And do I even have a choice?

I feel ugly, and not very special. I feel stupid because I have a great life, and I complain about it. I feel annoyed for making things more difficult than they need to be. I guess I’m just feeling sad about missed opportunities. I’ve let moments pass by without noticing their importance. Now I know what I’ve done, and it’s too late to change anything.

That’s life though, right?