Laden with Thoughts

Outside, the wind is blowing so forcefully I’m almost afraid the front door will bang open and reveal the horror that is Kathleen to all of Main Street: glasses on, hair up, and beer in hand. Southborough never saw it coming.

I’m a mess tonight. Life is hard enough without all these questions whirling around in my head, confusing and upsetting me. (When I wrote that word, “upsetting”, I initially thought it was too strong for what I feel, but upon a second inspection it is not.)

One can’t choose one’s life. Sure, we can make certain decisions along the way, but we can’t draw up plans for exactly how things are going to go, day by day, year by year. But damn, do I want it that way sometimes. The problem is I’m sad about things that don’t matter. How dumb is it to think that if I got to make the choices about my life (instead of leaving things up to God? or fate, if it comes into play?) I might be happier, or smarter, or better?

Pretty dumb, I know.

Still… I’m unable to shake this disturbed feeling. Is this where I want to be? And do I even have a choice?

I feel ugly, and not very special. I feel stupid because I have a great life, and I complain about it. I feel annoyed for making things more difficult than they need to be. I guess I’m just feeling sad about missed opportunities. I’ve let moments pass by without noticing their importance. Now I know what I’ve done, and it’s too late to change anything.

That’s life though, right?