Laden with Thoughts

Tonight I was intending to write out a long, philosphical essay about my recent thoughts on life. Now that I’m here though… I don’t know what to say.

Life makes me tired. And I’m confused about things I’ve always thought myself to be sure of. We’re wasting our time down here, you know? We could be doing so much good. Taking so many chances. Trusting solely in God and leaving our foolish doubts and ideas behind.

Of course, when I say “we”, I mean “I”. I’m ashamed.

But that doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything about it.

Every summer I look forward to the beginning of one of my favorite television shows in eager anticipation: BIG BROTHER!

Who else watches this show? (Geof, you don’t need to answer that. Hehe.) There’s something so interesting about locking 13 or 14 people into a house for an entire summer and watching them interact, create and destroy relationships, and basically try their best to function as if they are living in a completely normal situation. And of course, there’s the added drama of asking these “houseguests” to vote out one of their own each week.

This year, I went the extra step and subscribed to the 24/7 online Big Brother feed. I am actually quite ashamed, yet I can’t stop watching. One thing I’ve discovered: a creepy feeling comes over me while I’m watching these people do normal things, like fold clothes or get ready for bed. While I know that’s the point of the whole show, to watch these people live their lives, and while I know they know they’re being watched at all times… I still feel like a gross person.

But… I can’t look away! This morning while feeding Maeve (5:30am my time, 2:30am Big Brother time) I watched the houseguests go to sleep (in my defense, several of them were whispering about strategy after the lights were out) while Evil Dick was outside in the courtyard, chainsmoking and playing croquet. He was also unabashedly farting and burping.

Yep, folks, that’s what I’ll pay $14.99 to see. A 40-something year old rocker farting and talking to himself while playing croquet in an Alice in Wonderland themed courtyard. I am a creepy stalker.

And proud of it.

My favorite birthday present from the last couple of years is the U2 video iPod, given to me by my generous parents and husband. I confess, although I am crazy about how useful and fun the iPod is, the true reason I love it is that it has the signatures of Bono, The Edge, Adam, and Larry etched onto it.

So. Fabulous.

These days I’ve been listening to my music a lot more than I’ve been listening to the radio, which is a big change from previous months. (Partly because Liam has started to really understand language and repeats whatever he hears over and over again… it was time to stop listening to “It’s just you and your hand tonight”.) It’s been nice to hear songs and albums I haven’t listened to since high school and college, some of which inevitably bring back both silly and serious memories from those days. I love that music evokes strong feelings in me, and reminds me of people and places I’d long since forgotten.

For example, “Flood” by Jars of Clay is a reminder of my first high school youth group missions trip, where I realized I truly wanted to dedicate my life to Jesus. (It was also where I became friends with Josh. We started dating 6 months later.) My friends and I would cram ourselves into 15 passenger vans each morning, excited and nervous about the work we would be doing that day, and sang “BUT IF I CAN’T SWIM AFTER 40 DAYS AND MY MIND IS CRUSHED BY THE CRASHING WAVES” at the top of our lungs.

I’m feeling a little stuck musically now, however. I still enjoy all my old music, but I really haven’t bought much new music since being married and having children, and I’d love to get back into the habit of finding new artists and albums that move and uplift me. Plus, I’m making new memories now, and in ten years I hope to have albums that I can take out and listen to that remind me of these days with my children.

So, kind readers, would you offer suggestions of what music I should add to my iPod? What music moves you, encourages you, makes you feel a certain way when you listen to it?

When I was pregnant this time around, I often found I really wasn’t all that hungry during the day, and would just eat small healthy snacks. No big meals, no dessert, no soda, no chips and dip. Happily, I only gained 24 lbs throughout the entire 40 weeks.

Now that I’m UNPREGNANT, I’ve been a lot hungrier. And I’m drinking alcohol again, which doesn’t help my calorie intake. And right now I’m eating cheesecake. Help!

I have 10 lbs to lose before I’m at the right weight for me (where I’ll feel good about myself and actually fit into my post-pregnancy clothes - right now I’m squeezed into my outfits like a polish sausage). Wish me luck.