Laden with Thoughts

I spend a lot of time feeling unworthy of the gifts I have. And I spend a lot of time feeling like a failure. If you read this blog at all, you know that.

Today I decided I’ve had enough. Enough of the whining and the self-deprecation. I know that in life, sometimes, I’ll mess up. Sometimes I won’t feel like a good person. Sometimes I won’t feel like a good wife, or mother, or cook, or house cleaner. But today… today?

Today I feel full. Full of love. Full of pride. Full of happiness! Let me give you a few reasons why:

My boy loves to play PEEKABOO! But more than that…

My boy loves to read. All. The. Time.

My little girl can almost crawl, and she is a proud little thing. I want to pinch her nose.

And you know what else she’s proud of? She’s got some junk in the trunk. Go white girl!

And last, but certainly not least, I have a man who loves me. I have a man who loves our children. I have a man who loves cashmere hats.

Yes, I am a happy woman.

Tonight I was intending to write out a long, philosphical essay about my recent thoughts on life. Now that I’m here though… I don’t know what to say.

Life makes me tired. And I’m confused about things I’ve always thought myself to be sure of. We’re wasting our time down here, you know? We could be doing so much good. Taking so many chances. Trusting solely in God and leaving our foolish doubts and ideas behind.

Of course, when I say “we”, I mean “I”. I’m ashamed.

But that doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything about it.

So many things have changed in life since I last used this blog. I got pregnant (thanks, Josh!), I quit my job, I had a baby (hi, Liam!), Jason Harrod came to our house TWICE (*wink* to dawn!), I went back to my job part-time, and now I suddenly find myself with a 7 month old little boy grinning at me daily and spitting pureed garden vegetables onto my only nice pair of work trousers.

Life is awesome.

And yet, questions I had expected I would have answered by now still remain unanswered. Some even remain unasked. What is my true place in this world? Am I only called to be a SAHM to my son and any future children I may have? Or is there something beyond family that I should be focusing on, planning for, thinking about? Friends of ours just left to serve on the mission field in Bethlehem, Israel. They know what God has called them to. They seem secure in their plans, plans they feel God has laid out for them. It’s not that I think I am called to be a missionary, but I do feel as if being a mother is simply not enough for me. Raising a family to trust in the Lord is a huge responsibility and an enormous task all by itself, and it’s certainly a task I am so happy to work at until it is completed… but is that the only task assigned to me?

I pray and feel no peace, and no answers.

But at least I have a sturdy little man who happily comes with me to the post-office, the convenient store, and of course, the dry cleaner’s. I really hope pureed veggies come out of wool.

Outside, the wind is blowing so forcefully I’m almost afraid the front door will bang open and reveal the horror that is Kathleen to all of Main Street: glasses on, hair up, and beer in hand. Southborough never saw it coming.

I’m a mess tonight. Life is hard enough without all these questions whirling around in my head, confusing and upsetting me. (When I wrote that word, “upsetting”, I initially thought it was too strong for what I feel, but upon a second inspection it is not.)

One can’t choose one’s life. Sure, we can make certain decisions along the way, but we can’t draw up plans for exactly how things are going to go, day by day, year by year. But damn, do I want it that way sometimes. The problem is I’m sad about things that don’t matter. How dumb is it to think that if I got to make the choices about my life (instead of leaving things up to God? or fate, if it comes into play?) I might be happier, or smarter, or better?

Pretty dumb, I know.

Still… I’m unable to shake this disturbed feeling. Is this where I want to be? And do I even have a choice?

I feel ugly, and not very special. I feel stupid because I have a great life, and I complain about it. I feel annoyed for making things more difficult than they need to be. I guess I’m just feeling sad about missed opportunities. I’ve let moments pass by without noticing their importance. Now I know what I’ve done, and it’s too late to change anything.

That’s life though, right?

We don’t really celebrate Valentine’s day here at the Reilly household. No cards will be exchanged on Monday, and I don’t think I’m getting any flowers or chocolates. (Sure, last year Josh and I went to Boston for Valentine’s day weekend, but that was more about having a mini-vacation than anything else.) Josh hates the concept of Valentine’s day. He says it’s just a consumer-driven holiday meant to make him feel guilty about his lack of romantic abilities.

Hehe.

Speaking of non-romantic things, this afternoon we took a little trip to the mall. Why? To pick out a wedding ring for Josh. Wait… didn’t you already get married almost two years ago?? Why yes, dear reader, we did! It’s just that… Josh lost his wedding ring a few weeks ago. To quote the pushy saleslady at Zales: “I guess this is your Valentine’s day gift, huh?”

Hehehe.

So all this business about buying (second) wedding rings and celebrating Valentine’s day got me thinking about love, and marriage, and the business of “falling in love”. I don’t know how one falls in love. I don’t think there can be any specific recipe of moments or words or actions which causes love to suddenly appear between two people. All I know is that when I began to be friends with Josh, years and years ago, there was something about him that made me want to be around him all the time. Yes, he was funny and cute, and had a confidence in himself that was appealing. But all his good qualities put together couldn’t explain what it was that made me want to hug him, and hold his hand. It wasn’t long before we kissed, and I told him that I loved him. I was fifteen years old, and yet I knew it was true. I loved him.

And as it turns out, he loved me back. I don’t know how it happened, and I don’t know why it happened, but I do know this: I get to spend every day with my best friend, whom I love, and who loves me in return.

(Plus, he’s incredibly good-looking. Happy Valentine’s Day, buddy.)

I spent my night alone, drinking wine and reading really old emails that I sent to friends and family back when I was in college (circa 1999-2001).

God was mentioned often in my writings. I asked friends for prayer requests. I even asked my brother for prayer requests. I had fun with people. I wasn’t shy.

Where is that girl? Where is Kat?

I guess it’s time for bed. Time for another day further from where I once was.

Where so many hours have been spent in convincing myself that I am right, is there not some reason to fear I may be wrong?

- Jane Austen

I talked to a dear friend tonight, and as much as I loved talking with him it made me miss so many experiences and friendships I had several years ago. I’m sad that those days are over. Is it ok to wish I could do it over again even though I’m so happy about how my life has turned out?

I can’t explain what I mean. Things are a little fuzzy for me today. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that THE RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s usually the little things that make me happy. Like today when I found two sweaters at Ann Taylor on sale… a black one for $14.99 and a pink one for $29.99 (both marked down from $80.00)! Or how about when a friend from the old Guild Board im’d me to say she had Jason Harrod in her living room? Those are two prime examples of little things that make me feel good.

Sometimes it’s the HUGE things that make me happy. The Boston Red Sox are 6 outs away from being World Series Champions! Ahhhhh! Happiness abounds.

Still, in the midst of happiness, certain questions come to mind. Happiness is wonderful, and a good thing to wish for… but why, oh why, do I so often wish for happiness and not for Joy? Happiness doesn’t last. Happiness fades away. (Watch me spill something on my new pink sweater tomorrow. Seriously. I have a problem.) Does Joy also fade, or is it something I can possess always? If I’m not feeling Joy at the moment, does it still exist within me, lurking, waiting for me to remember it?

When the Red Sox win (please please please) I will be so excited. So happy. But it won’t be enough. I want Joy. It’s embarrassing to admit that I spent more time these last few weeks talking and thinking about the World Series then I spent in the last few months talking and thinking about Jesus.

Regarding last night’s post: is it strange that I am almost comforted knowing that I am not the only one who struggles with feelings of not being good enough? I’m sorry to know that people can commiserate with me.

At the same time, thank you for sharing your feelings with me. In a way I am encouraged… and it makes me a little less lonely knowing you all are out there. Know that you’re in my prayers.

Today has been a good day, I think. I spent time cleaning, reading, and drinking Starbucks (I recently switched from Grande to Venti) outside on the front porch. Cleaning always helps to keep me cheerful. Even though no one besides Josh, Seamus, and myself see the inside of our little apartment, I feel more confident going out in public when I have cleaned. It has something to do with the thought that I could invite someone over on a whim and they could walk in our apartment without seeing my underwear on the bathroom floor.

(Don’t get me wrong, it’s cute underwear! I just don’t want you to see it. Sorry.)

There are other things that make me cheerful, like having something to look forward to. I love having something to look forward to! Right now I have two things: a Jason Harrod concert tomorrow night, and an online course I have signed up for. The course is on C.S. Lewis’ writings, specifically The Chronicles of Narnia and Surprised by Joy.

It is an answer to prayer that I’m having an enjoyable day today. My hope is that I’m not the only one.