Laden with Thoughts

It makes me nervous how much this reminds me of my husband.

Yesterday morning Reilly and I had a disagreement, or a fight, or something of that nature while we were getting ready for work. Later on that morning I emailed him at work so we could talk about what had happened. I informed him that I’ve been feeling out of sorts recently. What followed is inexplicable… so much so that I feel compelled to post a transcript. Enjoy.

R: I love you, Beenie.

K: I love you, too. I’m sorry… I know I’ve been stressing you out to the MAXIMUM.

R: That made me laugh. New Reilly Marriage! Now with MAXIMUM stress!!

K: Also comes in EXTREME DYSFUNCTION!

R: Now, with minty fresh DOG POOP!

K: As an extra bonus, receive ROTTING FOOD IN THE FRIDGE with purchase!

R: If you buy now, in the next fifteen minutes we will send you, free of charge, NO LAUNDRY and the personal TINY LIVING SPACE!

K: And for just $4.95 more, you can add the amazing MILDEW COVERED BATHTUB and DOG HAIR COVERED COUCH to your purchase! Take advantage of this limited time offer!!!

R: If you decide to return your purchase within thirty days feel free to keep the complimentary BITTER AND ANGRY ARGUING!

K: I love us.

Regarding last night’s post: is it strange that I am almost comforted knowing that I am not the only one who struggles with feelings of not being good enough? I’m sorry to know that people can commiserate with me.

At the same time, thank you for sharing your feelings with me. In a way I am encouraged… and it makes me a little less lonely knowing you all are out there. Know that you’re in my prayers.

Today has been a good day, I think. I spent time cleaning, reading, and drinking Starbucks (I recently switched from Grande to Venti) outside on the front porch. Cleaning always helps to keep me cheerful. Even though no one besides Josh, Seamus, and myself see the inside of our little apartment, I feel more confident going out in public when I have cleaned. It has something to do with the thought that I could invite someone over on a whim and they could walk in our apartment without seeing my underwear on the bathroom floor.

(Don’t get me wrong, it’s cute underwear! I just don’t want you to see it. Sorry.)

There are other things that make me cheerful, like having something to look forward to. I love having something to look forward to! Right now I have two things: a Jason Harrod concert tomorrow night, and an online course I have signed up for. The course is on C.S. Lewis’ writings, specifically The Chronicles of Narnia and Surprised by Joy.

It is an answer to prayer that I’m having an enjoyable day today. My hope is that I’m not the only one.

There’s so much I love about being married that it would take me days to explain it all. I don’t know if there is anything more fulfilling to me to wake up in the morning and realize that I belong to someone, and he belongs to me. After a year of marriage I am still very happy and looking forward to future years to come.

One thing that I may never get used to is my husband’s family gatherings. In my family, parties are quiet and civilized. No one yells or tells dirty jokes or drinks just to get drunk. In my husband’s family, things are quite the opposite. Yesterday my sister-in-law had a huge graduation party at the house. At the beginning I was having a good time but once the booze was flowing and the party became more rowdy I felt very uncomfortable and made frequent trips into the house to “take out the dog”. When Josh asked what was wrong I told him, “I don’t belong here. I just want to go home.”

Living with my in-laws is wonderful in many ways, and I care for them deeply. But a part of me still can’t consider this place my home. As happy as I am living in this apartment with my husband there are lots of days when I want to drive to Sherborn, pull in my parents’ driveway, go inside and curl up on my bed in my room. I’m still most comfortable in my parents’ house. I wonder when that feeling of comfort and support will follow me into the home I now inhabit.

I didn’t die. I may have dropped off the face of the earth, but I spent plenty of time feeling guilty about not posting. So don’t worry! Even in my absence I was thinking of you, dear blog.

For all who have not yet seen pictures of the terror that is my puppy, you can view them here: Seamus Reilly.

I have been spending my time working, not cleaning, and taking care of Seamus. We also re-did our little kitchen. It looks much nicer and bluer than it used to.

Other news: next month is my first wedding anniversary. Josh and I are headed up to New Hampshire for a little time off at a bed and breakfast. It’s weird how quickly this year has gone by. Maybe I should think about finishing up those thank you notes…

When Josh walked into the kitchen this evening he made a face and asked, What smells like poop? Do you smell that?

I couldn’t smell anything.

That is, I couldn’t smell anything until I walked over to the sink and leaned my head over the dirty saucepan that’s been sitting there for a week waiting for me to wash it. Ohhhhh boy. Suddenly, the poop mystery was solved.

At first it was funny to have a poopy pot in our kitchen. Hahaha, how gross is that, poopy pot in the sink. But after my giggles went away, I got this tight feeling in the pit of my stomach. (I’d know that feeling anywhere.) Guilt.

What kind of wife makes her husband live in a house where he has to worry about poopy pots? What kind of wife can’t sleep at 11:30pm because she’s thinking about how dirty the bathroom is? At midnight last night I was on my hands and knees, in my nightgown, scrubbing the bottom of the bathtub. I’ve always known I had some low self-esteem issues, but what I didn’t expect was for marriage to suddenly bring on a whole new onslaught of guilt about what a “bad person” I am.

Do I intellectually think I’m a bad person? No, I don’t. Does Josh think I’m a bad person? Of course he doesn’t. And yet I still feel like I am one.

Tonight while eating dinner (pizza!) Josh made fun of me about something and I told him as punishment he had to wash the poopy pot. He laughed and said, No way! That’s your responsibility! (When we were first married we each established our assigned duties.) Right after he said that, I felt so sad. Not because he did anything wrong, but just because I was so disappointed in myself. I think I always pictured my career as a housewife as a stellar one. I thought everything would be clean all the time and I would have dinner on the table by 6pm.

Who was I kidding? And now that I’ve completely not lived up to that expectation of myself as a wife, I feel like I’ve let down everyone. I’ve let down Josh, I’ve let down my mom, I’ve let down myself.

Really, it’s not so bad. I know I’m loved despite my “deficiencies”, and I’m so glad to be where I am at this moment of my life. God is taking care of me. I think sometimes I just need to write things out… it helps me put it all in perspective a bit more.

Plus, there’s Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer. (Girls, you know what I’m saying.)

Today as I left work at 4:30pm I had a stronger sense of happiness and anticipation than I normally do when leaving work on a Friday. Two things were pressing on my mind:

1. I am now free for three, long, wonderful days.

2. My husband is taking me to Boston for two of them.

I’ve always said I would love to live in Boston for a year. I could live in a semi-nice apartment, take public transportation instead of driving, and have access to so many places and experiences that I don’t have access to while living in suburbia. Instead of going to the mall to buy a card at Hallmark, I would happily ride the T to the nearest independent stationary store to pick out something creative and unique. Instead of eating at Uno’s on Saturday night, my friends and I would go to an Irish pub for some beer and shepherd’s pie. Instead of the movies, the Museum of Fine Arts.

You get the general idea.

This weekend will be a nice chance for Josh and I to relax, have a night on the town, and reflect on the past eight months of our lives. Yesterday Josh mentioned to me the novelty of the fact that since our wedding day we have not spent a single night apart from one another. And we still really, truly, love each other.

If that isn’t romantic, I don’t know what is. Happy Valentine’s Day.