Laden with Thoughts

Let me explain. No, there is no time. Let me sum up. I have given birth to two babies in less than two years. Consequently, my body kind of hates me now… and I pretty much hate my body. Although I’m getting used to it. Before pregnancy I was a size zero (it’s silly that that is a size) and now I’m between a size four and six. That is absolutely fine with me, I am perfectly happy to be that size. However, my big problems with my “new” body include: ragged stretch marks all over my torso and butt, saggy empty belly skin, icky love handles, and national geographic-esque breasts.

(Boys, I understand if you need to stop reading at this point. I probably should have warned you earlier.)

Now, it was fairly easy to deal with these body image issues whenI got to stay home in my sweats all day with the kids, but now that I’ve gone back to work and have to wear actual clothes and be seen by actual people, I have a much harder time facing myself in the mirror each morning. My work trousers show all my little bumps and lumps… my tummy rolls over the top of my pants (muffin-top!) and other bad things happen that I don’t care to speak of on this public blog. Suffice it to say, it makes me sad.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY SOCIAL EXPERIMENT:

The power of girdles.

That’s right… I said girdles.

I worked this week on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. On Monday, I wore a cute sweater and a very nice pair of pinstriped trousers with sexy black pointy-toed patent leather stilletos. On Tuesday, I wore brown trousers with a red silk sweater and tweed flats with jewel embellishment.

BUT. On Thursday, I wore gray pin-striped trousers, a tasteful v-neck rose-colored sweater (read: just a hint of cleavage), and my stilletos again. Underneath these clothes, instead of my normal underwear, I wore a GIRDLE which smoothed out my tummy. (It also caused me to not be able to breathe or eat all day long. But you know… technicalities.)

Please allow me to share with you the results of my experiment.

Monday’s attire: NO GIRDLE.
Monday’s male attraction level: Pretty normal, no big hellos or smiles, just a few pleasant greetings and head-nods.

Tuesday’s attire: NO GIRDLE.
Tuesday’s male attraction level: Hardly anything. A few nods.

Thursday’s attire: GIRDLE!
Thursday’s male attraction level: Male barista at Starbucks looks me up and down. Gets nervous and messes up my coffee. When finished with coffee, says, “Here is your DELICIOUS beverage” while giggling nervously. Male customer holds the door for me as I leave. ALSO. Male boss enters my office to tell me some jokes. Tells me I’m doing a wonderful job at work. Goes into my (female) boss’s office to tell her what a good job I’m doing. ALSO. Some high mucky-mucks from our main office come to tour my office building. I walk down the hallway past them, they literally trip over themselves to introduce themselves to me. Please note: I have met these men several times before, and was never given a second glance.

You know, at first I was laughing and thought the change in attitude was funny. But as the day went on (and believe me, I didn’t list all the examples I could have), I was feeling pretty weirded out. Did I really look that different before without a girdle on?

Ah well. I guess I’m not above a little girdling (yes, I’ve decided that’s a perfectly acceptable term) to do well in life. At least I know I get to go home, remove the girdle (read: release the beast), and put my sweats back on at the end of the day. My poor, poor husband.

Tonight, I am happy. My beautiful children went willingly to bed without complaint or temper tantrum. My husband cooked dinner (eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, toast!) without being asked. Life couldn’t get much better.

And the Red Sox are kicking butt. Indeed, my friends, they are kicking ASS. And although I would love them and support them even if they didn’t kick ASS, it makes it so much easier to love and support them when they are on the eve of their 2nd WORLD SERIES VICTORY in 3 years.

There’s not much more to report. Except that life is wonderful. Blah blah.

When I was pregnant this time around, I often found I really wasn’t all that hungry during the day, and would just eat small healthy snacks. No big meals, no dessert, no soda, no chips and dip. Happily, I only gained 24 lbs throughout the entire 40 weeks.

Now that I’m UNPREGNANT, I’ve been a lot hungrier. And I’m drinking alcohol again, which doesn’t help my calorie intake. And right now I’m eating cheesecake. Help!

I have 10 lbs to lose before I’m at the right weight for me (where I’ll feel good about myself and actually fit into my post-pregnancy clothes - right now I’m squeezed into my outfits like a polish sausage). Wish me luck.

A good friend of mine (my maid of honor, actually) had a baby girl in April. She sent me an email today about the joys of being a mother… including the first time her daughter laughed.

When Liam laughed for the first time it was the best noise I had ever heard. It’s so amazing to see them learning and experiencing the fun things in life. For example, yesterday Liam and I spent an hour watching a housefly buzz around the living room. Liam was ENTHRALLED. He chased it around, pointing and shouting, “DA BUGGIE! DA BUGGIE! IT’S DA BUGGIE!” Seriously… it was the best part of my day.

You know that lyric from “Unchained Melody”: time goes by, so slowly…

What a bunch of bull.

Here I find myself, suddenly living in a house Josh and I bought, the mother of two children, and a full-time SAHM at 26 years old. When the heck did all this happen? Time isn’t moving by slowly for the Reillys. Liam is already a year and a half old, chattering away and turning into a little boy right before my eyes. Maeve is two months old and slept through the night for the first time last night. (PRAISE GOD.)

My wish and prayer is to be aware of how quickly time does go by, and to treasure every moment of this time I have with my children and husband.

I’m happy. (Or maybe I should attribute all this joy to my first night of actual sleep in about 4 months.)

Awwww. Here’s hoping the next one is this cute!

(By the way, there IS going to be a next one. June 2007…)

So many things have changed in life since I last used this blog. I got pregnant (thanks, Josh!), I quit my job, I had a baby (hi, Liam!), Jason Harrod came to our house TWICE (*wink* to dawn!), I went back to my job part-time, and now I suddenly find myself with a 7 month old little boy grinning at me daily and spitting pureed garden vegetables onto my only nice pair of work trousers.

Life is awesome.

And yet, questions I had expected I would have answered by now still remain unanswered. Some even remain unasked. What is my true place in this world? Am I only called to be a SAHM to my son and any future children I may have? Or is there something beyond family that I should be focusing on, planning for, thinking about? Friends of ours just left to serve on the mission field in Bethlehem, Israel. They know what God has called them to. They seem secure in their plans, plans they feel God has laid out for them. It’s not that I think I am called to be a missionary, but I do feel as if being a mother is simply not enough for me. Raising a family to trust in the Lord is a huge responsibility and an enormous task all by itself, and it’s certainly a task I am so happy to work at until it is completed… but is that the only task assigned to me?

I pray and feel no peace, and no answers.

But at least I have a sturdy little man who happily comes with me to the post-office, the convenient store, and of course, the dry cleaner’s. I really hope pureed veggies come out of wool.