Mrs. Sweet

I came home early from work today. The babies father, Peter came home early again, he had come home at lunch and relieved me on Friday as well.  I should be excited for this time. I guess I am still feeling a little blue. It is funny how grief does that. Throws you off a bit, until you feel like you are walking in a dream somehow. Nothing seems quite right. We just moved too and so that doesn’t help me feel any less displaced. 

We were supposed to meet with the home finder to see about the window in the room we are planning to use for foster care. It might be too small, according to the regulations, even though the room is right next to the front door. It would have been nice to know that a certain window size was required when they gave us the list of things for our home. We took this apartment thinking it would be more suited to foster care and now it might still not work out. Anyways they cancelled today so I am left wondering, waiting.

We bought some green paint for the room as well. A nice, bright green on the mistint rack for five dollars. I am going to paint the room next week while peter has off and I am home. If we aren’t able to do foster care until we buy our house in a year and a half then I guess it will make a nice music room for Phil.

I am feeling disjointed tonight, I hope you’ll forgive the meloncoly tone of this post.

Phil and I spent one week moving all our possessions from our first apartment to our new place. It was hard to not get emotional about that first place. Although there were many things that frustrated me about that place it was still our home. I remember my sister coming to stay with us there. Having thanksgiving dinner with my family and a soldiers wife whose husband was in Iraq. I remember playing cards with Phil’s cousins. Doing a photo shoot with my sister and our good friend Mabyn.

Our new apartment though signifies one step closer to the next step for our family. We lost a member of our church family this weekend. She was a devoted mother to her children and was tragically struck with cancer. Her children though are her legacy to her commitment to Christ and faith. Sarah died a woman of great faith. She will be greatly missed and it is with a heavy heart I write today. 

I wonder more now than ever, who does the Lord plan to bring into our home. We have open arms for this child and hope that we can do whatever it takes to provide for them a loving Christian home, like our parents gave to us. I have a great desire to be a mother and wonder how God will bring this desire to reality.

I met with the home finder here on Friday. We still have several weeks of training and should be certified the end of November. I don’t think it will be easy but I know it will be worth all the praying and waiting. I am more and more reminded of all the ways the bible shows how all of us are adopted sons and daughters of the most high and by proceeding with this process we are showing Christs love to the broken as he showed us his love when we too were unloveable.

So we moved this weekend. Our landlord had a hold on an apartment and the other leaser fell thru and after negotiating just paying the difference in the rent and deposit for this month we decided to take it about two hours after we saw the place.

The apartment has so many things we like. I loved our hardwood floors but the carpet in this place is fabulous berber and I can live with it. The fridge and freezer are twice as big as the other place. There are washer and dryer hookups. There is ample cupboard space. Their is lots of counter space. We gave up closet space but the closets are decent and make a lot more sense then in the old place. Their are lots of outlets, all three pronged and light switches instead of pull strings.

There is a hallway between us and the next door neighbors and the upstairs neighbors are only over part of the apartement. That brings up the most important fact. WE ARE DOWNSTAIRS. I liked being upstairs because it was economical as far as heat went but it was impractical to bring furniture and impractical for my parents who really would like to visit more often but simply couldn’t physically handle climbing our stairs.

Our real reason ultimately for desiring a two bedroom was that we really wanted a place to bring a child into and that other apartment was simply not practical for that purpose. The layout in this place is great because you can visually see what is going on in the living-room while in the kitchen but by putting up a gate you can block acess to the kitchen. The small future child’s room is off from the kitchen and our room is on the other end of the apartment and the bathroom is inside our room. I like the convience of that although it isn’t the best for company. Our bedroom doesn’t have any windows but I like that because the rest of the living space is bright and I like sleeping in darkness. 

I am meeting with the home finder friday and then in a couple weeks we have our first sit down meeting. The home finder is actually a family friend so that helps it to seem less overwhelming. I have Friday and Monday off and I will hopefully be able to get the majority of things in order.

We were priveledged to have help yesterday and we have an offer of dinner for tonight at Phils aunts and then the last of our packing and moving. We have meetings on both Tuesday and Thursday for trainings with foster care. Two more months until we are certified resource parents.

The move happened really quickly and that was hard but at the same time I didn’t have enough time to worry about it which was nice. I also couldn’t procrastinate because I knew it was better to just get as much done as quickly as possible. Phil’s grandmother showed up and helped pack dishes in the old place before we even gotten back from the new place. We had help from a family friend with a truck. We also had a couple kids/teenagers that I used to babysit who helped carry lots of stuff. 

Now for the more annoying stuff like changing our addresses on everything I am not looking forward to but I am sure it will be alright. I have a week off at the end of this month and I think it will be wonderful to have that time to settle in.

My husband is at worship practice. I am here in our apartment and other then the cars driving by on the street and the sound of my hands typing on the keyboard it is awful quiet here in our apartment. I don’t mind the quiet or being alone as much anymore. I have grown used to it.

I work as a nanny to a baby girl and spend most of my days with her. I love my job and most of the time, despite having to get up at far too early of an hour in the morning (5:30 am) and long hours I look forward to the work of it. It isn’t unfamiliar to me, I was the head teacher to a class of 10 infants, 8 at a time with an assistant teacher made for chaotic days. Lately though the work has meant a different thing to me.

I guess the change has been in how I look at it. Before when I worked in this field I didn’t see it as something that was obtainable to me and now I am filled with hope. Phil and I are in the process of becoming foster parents and I have faith that someday I will also give birth naturally. I know the Lord will be faithful to us. It has been just over a year since we took that leap of faith to start trying.

Each month that passes I am a wash of emotion. I wonder if we are too unprepared financially, do I have the patience, what would it really be like? Then I wonder why it seems like all the babies go to other people when I feel like this is what I was born to do? Why can that lady on the reality show have 18 and I am left with empty arms. I know God has gifted me to care for children, sometimes it feels like they will always be someone elses.

Waiting has never been my strong suit. I waited 26 years to be kissed. I wonder what it will truly be like that day I lay eyes on that sweet baby. I know no one ever is really fully prepared for all that entails. When we started filling out the foster care/adoptive parent paperwork though it started to feel a little more real. When we signed parent #1 and parent #2.

Heres hoping….and praying….