Last night I was looking back over some old journal entries, and found a couple of tear stained pages from 8 or 9 months ago.
Entry 1 I really want to take the risk and open my heart. And I’m going to. But if I open my heart this time, just to have it crushed again, I think I’m done. I don’t want to open my heart again…it’s not worth it.
Entry 2 (about a month later)I don’t understand why God continues to encourage me to open up my heart and tear down the walls just so I can get hurt again. It’s not worth it! I’m so done opening up my heart.
I did open my heart and yes, it was painful. For many months I still held onto a bit of hope that it wouldn’t end in a hurting heart. But this week, those last slivers of hope have slipped out of my hands.
Obviously in those journal entries, I was speaking out of my emotion…but I still feel that way a lot. Why open up my heart to someone (in friendship or romantic interest), when it usually ends with losing a friendship? Almost every close friendship that I’ve had in my life has ended, so why would I want to continue to make more friends when they will probably just be out of my life in a couple of years anyway?
I know that this is not a healthy way to think…but it is the way I think, oftentimes. This is why I close off my heart. And I know that I do it. I put walls up because I don’t want to get hurt. I keep people at an arm’s distance, because I think if I get close to them, it will hurt more when the friendship ends. So, I tell myself that surface level friendships are easier, though I know that is not really true.
So, even though I have given up hope in this particular situation, and at this point I don’t want to open up my heart again…I do hope that God will help me to not put those walls back up….to not close myself off because of fear of rejection or pain…to continue to open my heart and be vulnerable…and in that continue to grow.
My name is Rhonda. I am blessed to live in a beautiful place out in the country with my wonderful husband. In addition to our "real" jobs (I work at a garden center and he is a teacher), we have a small farm where we raise vegetables, eggs and chickens to sell at local Farmer's Markets. We are currently fixing up/remodeling a house into which we will soon be moving...hopefully. In my free time, (what is that?) I enjoy traveling, cooking, crafty projects, reading and watching the sun set on the hills.
I wish I couldn’t identify with you on this subject. The problem is that I can. And why is it that when you go through this pain, it seems as though you are alone..that other friends don’t want to hear it and when you do say something most everyone backs off? THis is my whole struggle with honesty…I know that it is imperative, but I also know that most folks do not like it.
Rhonda, I am right there with you babe. God will heal you. I promise.
What Ive been learning lately that I am never alone in whatever Im feeling. Not only has God gone through it, but a friend in some fashion has experaniced or going through the same thing. And when they arnt near when we need the most, I think God is trying to speak to me and is taking away distractions, which can be friends in my life at times.