Rhonda's Ramblings

We long to be known and we fear it like nothing else. ~John Eldredge

I think Micheal W. Smith lied.

I talked to my former best friend this week for the first time in probably over a year. (How horrible is it to call somebody my “former best friend”?) But that is what she is. We were once SO close. She knew me better than probably anyone else ever has (except perhaps my siblings). And still loved me. But due to some difficult situations and circumstances that occurred, I made the extremely difficult and painful decision to give up her and her husband’s friendship. It was one of the harder decisions I’ve made in my life. Who wants to lose their best friend? But at the time, I really felt like it was the wisest decision. And in retrospect, I still think it was the right decision, even though it was extremely hard for both of us. That was 2 years ago, and we have just recently begun to rebuild our friendship. I’m really glad, and though I know things will never be quite the same, it was SO good to talk with her.

But that is just one example of my failure at friendships. I don’t regularly keep in touch with any of my college friends. In fact the girls that I was closest to in college weren’t even really speaking to me on graduation day …and I still don’t really know what happened even though we have all talked about it since then. My best guy friend felt like God told him to give up our friendship. I don’t really keep in touch with any of my childhood or high school friends. And of course, I lose all of my good guy friends when they get married. And today I had a conversation that I fear will probably lead to the end of another good friendship.

Someone once told me “God gives us friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. I definitely see the reason in many of these friendships that didn’t last. God taught me a lot. The biggest lessons were probably teaching me to trust God and to know that God is the only one who is completely faithful. And obviously some friendships just fade and are only there for a season. But I really desire is lifetime friends. Friends that are around through all the ups and downs of life. Friends that knew me way back when and have been with me through the changes that God has brought. And friends that will be there in 30 years at my (hypothetical) kids weddings amd will be reminscing about when the kids were born.

These past couple of weeks my insecurities have been coming out a lot. I am afraid that if my friends really knew me they wouldn’t really like the person that I am. Maybe that insecurity comes out of the friendships that haven’t worked. Or maybe they haven’t worked because of that insecurity. I don’t know.

I do have some really great friends and I am SO thankful for them. I just don’t understand why so many of my friendships don’t last. I think I’m a pretty good friend…loyal, encouraging, fun, supportive. I try to be a good listener, and also keep them accountable.

Why is friendship so hard? And why do I suck at them? I know…it usually all comes back to God teaching me lessons. But sometimes I get tired of having to learn lessons. But I guess “Some people gotta learn the hard way”. Maybe if I really learned the lesson, then God wouldn’t have to keep teaching me to trust him.

(MWS and DC Talk references in one post….no wonder my friendships don’t last. )