All I ever have to be

“All I Ever Have To Be”

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head
And the thoughtful words of help and hope
Have all been nicely said
But I’m still hurting, wondering if I’ll ever be the one
I think I am – I think I am

Then you gently re-remind me
That You’ve made me from the first
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst
And I realize the good in me is only there because of who You are
Who You are…

And all I ever have to be is what You’ve made me
Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan
As you daily recreate me help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do what I can find
And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be is what You’ve made me

(Gary Chapman)

As I was driving to work this afternoon, I started singing this song for some reason. I haven’t listened to this tape in forever, but it is a song that I have loved ever since I first got Amy Grant’s Collection , and listened to it over and over since it was the only tape that I had. I’m sure that this song is full of theological holes, but it is encouraging to me.

I don’t think that I realized “the weight of all my dreams” when I was 10. But I think that I’m starting to feel the weight of those dreams now. I have lots of dreams…and sometimes the weight of them does feel quite heavy. I’ve been very blessed in being able to live out so many of my dreams…but there are so many more. I want marriage and a family and to live a life of purpose and to use my gifts and talents, not to mention the expectations that others have of me. And all the encouragements and “Don’t worry, God has a plan” have been given.

But lately, I have been wondering if I am the person that I always wanted to be. Is this who I dreamed of becoming? Not so much. It’s not just my outward circumstances, but my inward attitude and fears and ways of thinking, as well. Who have I become? “Will I ever be the one I think I am?” I don’t know.

But you know what, it doesn’t really matter if I am the person that I wanted to become, or the person that others want me to be. What really matters is who God wants me to be. That is who I really want to become. And that is what he is refining me to be, I hope.

Meanwhile, I’ll continue to shamelessly belt out vintage Amy Grant songs on my way to work.