But today, I witnessed an amazing example of community and the body of Christ. And was very encouraged by it. I have been attending a tiny local church for probably 6-8 months. (By tiny, I mean there were 15 people there on Sunday.) My sister has been living with me this summer, and has attended church with me for about a month. And the ladies of the church threw her a bridal shower tonight, though they barely know her…and they really don’t know me that well. And I thought that was such an amazing blessing. These ladies, who I’m sure have SO much else going on in their lives…took the time to come to the shower, and spent money to buy her gifts. And I was very blessed, as I’m sure my sister was.

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Often, I hold onto things too tightly. I have all of these hopes and dreams that I cling to. Not that it is bad to dream and hope and desire certain things. But for me, there are certain things that I need to surrender to God. But instead, I grab onto them and wrap my fist around them and hold on tight, afraid that if I let go of them and give them to God, that he won’t let me have them. But this week I decided to let go. To open my hand and let God do what he will. Whether he takes them away from me completely or gives them back, I am holding them with my palm upturned. I am holding on to these hopes with an open hand rather than holding on tightly.

And you know what, it’s amazing what freedom that brings. It’s not my job to connive and scheme to try to fulfill my hopes and dreams. It is God’s job to take care of me. And I think I know what’s best. But the fact is, God really knows what’s best for me. He created me. Who better to know what my hopes and desires are and how best to fulfill them?

Not that it has been easy to give up these things, not knowing whether or not God will give them back to me. I have cried many tears this week. My heart is broken. But I need to give them up without expecting that he will give them back to me. I need to trust that his plan is perfect. And though my heart is broken, I am resting in the freedom of the knowledge that God holds me in his hand.

“All I Ever Have To Be”

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head
And the thoughtful words of help and hope
Have all been nicely said
But I’m still hurting, wondering if I’ll ever be the one
I think I am – I think I am

Then you gently re-remind me
That You’ve made me from the first
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst
And I realize the good in me is only there because of who You are
Who You are…

And all I ever have to be is what You’ve made me
Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan
As you daily recreate me help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do what I can find
And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be is what You’ve made me

(Gary Chapman)

As I was driving to work this afternoon, I started singing this song for some reason. I haven’t listened to this tape in forever, but it is a song that I have loved ever since I first got Amy Grant’s Collection , and listened to it over and over since it was the only tape that I had. I’m sure that this song is full of theological holes, but it is encouraging to me.

I don’t think that I realized “the weight of all my dreams” when I was 10. But I think that I’m starting to feel the weight of those dreams now. I have lots of dreams…and sometimes the weight of them does feel quite heavy. I’ve been very blessed in being able to live out so many of my dreams…but there are so many more. I want marriage and a family and to live a life of purpose and to use my gifts and talents, not to mention the expectations that others have of me. And all the encouragements and “Don’t worry, God has a plan” have been given.

But lately, I have been wondering if I am the person that I always wanted to be. Is this who I dreamed of becoming? Not so much. It’s not just my outward circumstances, but my inward attitude and fears and ways of thinking, as well. Who have I become? “Will I ever be the one I think I am?” I don’t know.

But you know what, it doesn’t really matter if I am the person that I wanted to become, or the person that others want me to be. What really matters is who God wants me to be. That is who I really want to become. And that is what he is refining me to be, I hope.

Meanwhile, I’ll continue to shamelessly belt out vintage Amy Grant songs on my way to work.

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” -Thomas Merton

Thanks to Matt who posted this recently. It definitely encouraged me.

None of them seemed very significant, but for some reason they impacted me.

Children riding their bike at the park.

An elderly woman, in her skirt with her gray hair regally swept into a french twist. As she walks along (to meet somebody, I presume), she is making sure that each piece of her hair is in place.

An elderly gentleman waiting to cross the street where there is no crosswalk. This is the same man that I see working in his yard, raking leaves on a regular basis. After I pass, I look in my rear-view mirror and see him running across the street. Obviously not as spry as he was in his younger years, but still able to run.

I know I’m a cheesy girl. But it’s the little things that make life wonderful. Like last night when I came out of the store and the hills covered in pine trees were gilded by the sun. It was beautiful.

Go back and read that quote again and let it sink in.

Every time I read this quote, it convicts the heck out of me. Do I have that kind of love? Would I be able to love people who were torturing me? If I could not speak of Christ, would my actions show his love?

Only by the grace of God.

What is a woman of strength?

How does a woman balance femininity and strength?

Proverbs 31:25
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

Nothing is so strong as gentleness: nothing so gentle as real strength. -St. Francis De Sales

We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul-not the grim strength of gritting your teeth, but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us. -Colossians 1:11-12 (MSG)

No profound point or attempt to tie this all together.

Psalm 148:3
Praise him, sun and moon,
praise him, all you shining stars.

On my way home from work tonight I saw a shooting star. Seeing a shooting star always brings joy to my heart. It’s like you are participating in a tiny moment of magic. If you had been looking somewhere else at that moment, you would have missed the falling glimpse of light. The one I saw tonight lasted longer than usual. It seemed to float through the sky in slow motion. I kept expecting the light to die out, but it hung on for a few seconds. It definitely brought a smile to my face.

And I know this sounds really cheesy, but if you don’t by now that I’m cheesy, then it’s time you found out.
When I see a shooting star, I feel like it’s a special way God encourages me a little bit. It’s like he’s saying, “See my beauty and my creation that praises me. I remember you and you are special to me, so I’m sharing it with you…you get to enjoy it too.” Like I said, cheesy, yet it makes my heart happy.

So, what are some little things that God has used to encourage or remind you of something this week? (If I ask a direct question, will you guys make comments? )

How I spend my time:

crocheting beanies (though I hope I look cuter than this in them.)

making berry tarts

making grape jam from the grapes in my backyard

making bread and butter pickles

finishing a wall hanging similar to this.

and of course, working in the garden and preparing for a life of celibacy

And I enjoy every minute of it. Maybe if I keep it up, when I am actually an old woman I will be an expert in at least one of these things. (I just hope it’s not celibacy)

Hymn to a Good Wife
(Proverbs 31)

10A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
11Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
12Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
13She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
14She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
15She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
16She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
17First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
18She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
19She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
20She’s quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
21She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
22She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
23Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
24She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
25Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
26When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
27She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
28Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
29″Many women have done wonderful things,
but you’ve outclassed them all!”
30Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-GOD.
31Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!

I love this version of Proverbs 31 (It’s from the Message…I know some of you don’t consider that the Bible). But what an amazing woman that describes. The woman that I hope that God is shaping me to be. But the most important thing…even though this woman has so many skills…is that she fears the Lord. I would love to become an expert at all these things…but more than that, I would love to become a woman who really reflects Christ. I hope when people look at me they admire and praise me not for the things I can do (which really, I can do some things, but none of them really well), but I hope they see God through me.