Rhonda’s Ramblings

This afternoon, my sister and I had fun feeding the horses and cows behind our house.

It’s like a wildlife refuge around my house. Okay, not so much a refuge, because I’m trying to get rid of many of them. Lots of rodents (gophers moles and rats) and lots of bugs, but I saw a few lizards today and three snakes last week. And my neighbor’s chickens end up in my yard a few times a week. Plus the horses and the cows. And Whitey, the cat that doesn’t even belong to us, really.

In other news, I am currently listening to Steps of Faith by Margaret Becker for the first time in a long time. And I love this cd! Good old Maggie B. is one of my favorite songwriters. They may be pretty simple and straightforward, but the speak what my heart feels so often.

Find Me

I’m gonna move on down to Elliston
Let my hair grow wild and free
Rent a second story studio
Find the other side of me

I’m gonna sit out on the edge of the fire escape
Feel a little destitute
Search for feelings that will help me remember
The love that I had for YOu

Find me, find me
I’ll wait for You
Find me, find me
I’ll wait for You

I’m gonna give away my stereo
Give away my T.V.
I’m going back to essentials, a chair and a lamp
And the Book that You wrote to me

You see, I’m looking for the You that used to speak so clear
I’m looking for the me that had a heart to hear
And I’m looking for the passion that help me her
On the edge

CHORUS

You see, I’m looking for the me that I used to know
I’m looking for the love that was out of control
‘Cause I feel a little cold here in the afterglow

CHORUS

Find me, find me
I’ll, I’ll wait for You

You’re softer than a cannon blast
But your effects much longer last
And I want you just like a hole in my head
But I need you like a meal and a bed

And you say, come on
I’m not what you’re after
But I know, you’re not just anyone, anyone

‘Cause I’m not what you want
No, I’m not anyone
But if you needed me
I could be someone

You’re an army in a horse
And you have taken me by force
All the freedom in this world could not resist
The sweet temptation of your sweet elusiveness

So I say, come on
As the gate swings open
‘Cause I know you’re not just anyone, anyone

But the lie’s always cheaper than the truth
And the lie’s all I’ve never known of you
So maybe none of this is true

~Derek Webb

This song just gets me lately.

Well they said boy you just follow your heart
But my heart just led me into my chest
They said follow your nose
But the direction changed every time I went and turned my head
And they said boy you just follow your dreams
But my dreams were only misty notions
But the Father of hearts and the Maker of noses
And the Giver of dreams He’s the one I have chosen
And I will follow him.

-Rich Mullins

“All I Ever Have To Be”

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head
And the thoughtful words of help and hope
Have all been nicely said
But I’m still hurting, wondering if I’ll ever be the one
I think I am - I think I am

Then you gently re-remind me
That You’ve made me from the first
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst
And I realize the good in me is only there because of who You are
Who You are…

And all I ever have to be is what You’ve made me
Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan
As you daily recreate me help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do what I can find
And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be is what You’ve made me

(Gary Chapman)

As I was driving to work this afternoon, I started singing this song for some reason. I haven’t listened to this tape in forever, but it is a song that I have loved ever since I first got Amy Grant’s Collection , and listened to it over and over since it was the only tape that I had. I’m sure that this song is full of theological holes, but it is encouraging to me.

I don’t think that I realized “the weight of all my dreams” when I was 10. But I think that I’m starting to feel the weight of those dreams now. I have lots of dreams…and sometimes the weight of them does feel quite heavy. I’ve been very blessed in being able to live out so many of my dreams…but there are so many more. I want marriage and a family and to live a life of purpose and to use my gifts and talents, not to mention the expectations that others have of me. And all the encouragements and “Don’t worry, God has a plan” have been given.

But lately, I have been wondering if I am the person that I always wanted to be. Is this who I dreamed of becoming? Not so much. It’s not just my outward circumstances, but my inward attitude and fears and ways of thinking, as well. Who have I become? “Will I ever be the one I think I am?” I don’t know.

But you know what, it doesn’t really matter if I am the person that I wanted to become, or the person that others want me to be. What really matters is who God wants me to be. That is who I really want to become. And that is what he is refining me to be, I hope.

Meanwhile, I’ll continue to shamelessly belt out vintage Amy Grant songs on my way to work.

When I went to Kenya, I took a tiny cd wallet with me. Probably about 25 cds. Many of these were mixed cds that my beautiful friends from the board made for me. Since I’ve gotten home, these same 25 cds are the ones that are in my car, which is where I listen to cds the most. So, yesterday, I decided to go through some of my cds that I haven’t listened to in quite a while. And I realize how much I love some of them that I never listen to. You can mock me all you want for my choices, but I like these cds…whether it be for the memories that they evoke or just because they are good music.

Audio Adrenaline-Bloom
Steven Curtis Chapman-Speechless
Nichole Nordeman-Woven & Spun
Rebecca St. James-God
Nickel and Dime-When You Come Around
Five O’clock People

Some of these cds used to be staples in my cd wallet, but have been rotated out for years. So, what cds do you have that you need to rediscover?

I’m jumping on the bandwagon. But this was really hard…harder than I thought it would be.

The Soundtrack to Your Life Survey
Make a soundtrack for your life, matching songs with the following:

Opening song: “Great Adventure”-Steven Curtis Chapman and “I Wanna Do It All”-Terri Clark
Waking up: “Smelling Coffee”-Chris Rice
First date:
First kiss: “Moondance”-Van Morrison
Falling in love: “Flowers in the Window”-Travis or “That’s How Your Love Makes Me Feel”-Diamond Rio”
Seeing an old love: “Seven Shades of Blue”-Beth Neilsen Chapman
Heartbreak: “Shot Through the Heart”-Bon Jovi
Driving: “Beautiful Day”-U2
Getting ready to go out: “Kate”-Ben Folds Five
Partying with friends: I’m a bit embarrassed to say “The Humpty Dance”. Can I say that?But just the first verse. Then you start the song over. I don’t like the gross parts, but the song has good memories of hanging out with my friends. And really, can you get better lyrics than this?
“I like to rhyme,
I like my beats funky,
I’m spunky. I like my oatmeal lumpy.”
Flirting:
Feeling sexy: “Natural Woman”-Carole King
Walking alone in the rain: “Rain” by Clear
Missing someone: “The Rich Song” by Derek Webb
Playing in the ocean: “Surfin’ U.S.A.” by Beach Boys
Summer vacation: “Get Out the Map” by Indigo Girls
Fighting with someone: “Rain” by Patty Griffin
Acting goofy with friends: “La Vida Loca”-Ricky Martin
Thinking back: “Thankful” by Caedmon’s Call
Feeling depressed: “Worlds Apart” by Jars of Clay
Christmas time: “Breath of Heaven” by Amy Grant
Falling asleep: “Omega/ Be Thou My Vision Medley” (When I lived in Honduras, I would go to sleep with this song on repeat almost every night.)
Closing song: “Faithful” by Jennifer Knapp

You guys need to give me help with first date or flirting. I can’t think of any, maybe because I don’t have much experience with those things. Or I just can’t think of songs.

One thing I love about the African culture is that music is such a huge part of it! They sing often. Two of the Kenyan staff members who work here are always singing.

We went to a graduation party the other day for a lady who had just graduated from university. And when she arrived at the party, a bunch of her friends went out to greet her, and they “sang her in”. One lady sings a line, and then the other ladies repeat it as they surround her and follow her in. It was really neat, even though I had no idea what they were saying. Many of the tribes do similar things when a woman is getting married.

I love the way that life and music are intertwined.

Well the night was cold and my heart was hidden buried safely in a shell
But I knew somehow I’d have to run that risk I’d have to open up myself
But You said, look at the stars on the face of the sky
They’re the same ones Abraham saw
And under my wings I will make you shine
Give you strength enough to love
Oh, I’m getting strong enough
You helped me chip my way out
And open myself up

And for the snow that comes with winter
And for the growth that comes from pain
And for the joke I can’t remember though the laughter long remains
For the faith that brought the finish
All I doubted at the start

Lord I give you praise for all that makes the hatching of a heart

Well my face was smooth and featureless
Just like an egg
And if I was moving you would never guess it by the look upon my face
But you said Man looks without but I look within
I can see the love you hide.
It’s a matter of doubt.
It’s a symptom of sin
It’s a problem of too much pride

I, now I’m opening up wide. (I have no idea what this line says)…..has pulled out from beneath me and you’re teaching me to fly
For the strength that comes with friendship
For the warmth that comes with hope
For the love time can’t diminish
And for the time love takes to grow
For the moonlight on the water
For the bright and morning star

Lord, I give you praise for all that makes the hatching of a heart

I was reminiscing about Rich Mullins yesterday, so I pulled out the only Rich cd that I brought with me: Brother’s Keeper. (I was sad when I realized this was the only Rich cd I have with me). And this song stopped me dead in my tracks. I always forget how much I love this song. It never fails to speak to me. And especially right now, when I am struggling with dealing with the hurt that came from opening up my heart. But, I need to remember that God helped me “chip my way out and open myself up”. And he knows the pain that comes from a broken heart, but he also knows the growth that comes with that pain. I personally would prefer the growth without the pain, but that’s rarely how it works.

I also love the line “It’s a matter of doubt; it’s a symptom of sin; it’s a problem of too much pride.” How true is that? The reason that I don’t want to open up my heart is that I don’t trust God enough. And pride…that dreaded word that seems to be the root off all my issues. I don’t trust God because of pride. I think I know how the situation should work out. I think I know what is best. Dang pride.

So, once again, here I am again with the same issue…pride. So, I am asking God to continue to break down my pride. (Which is a scary thing to ask…it often takes heartache to break my pride ) And I’m asking that he would continue to chip away the walls that I put up around my heart…and that I wouldn’t continue to put those walls up despite the hurt.

I bet if I read my journal from 3 years ago, it would say the exact same things. Will I never learn?

As I walked out the back door tonight to take the garbage out, I was overwhelmed by the singing of the frogs in the pond and the music of the crickets chirping. And I thought…”I love this.” It brought to mind the following song.

Simple Life

I have wandered this world far and wide
I’ve been all around to the other side
But there’s nothin’ like comin’ home
Nothin’ like comin’ home
I wanna sit on my front porch and drink my lemonade
Cut my grass after church every Sunday
And go out on Saturday night
Live the simple life
Wake up in the morning to these fields of gold
And take a long walk down a gravel road

Spend my days in the sweet sunshine
Rock in my swing and watch my garden grow
Know that I’ll always have someone to hold
Oh I wanna live the simple life

I wanna take a blanket down to the creek
And let the water sing me to sleep
Let go of time
Live the simple life … oh yeah
Lately I’ve seen too many city lights
I wanna go somewhere where I can see the stars at night

That is really what I want. The only problem is in the next moment, I will be reading my National Geographic Adventure magazine (the best magazine in the world), and will be dreaming about traveling around the world and exploring places that I’ve never been, and living a life of adventure. That is also really what I want. But they are somewhat contradictory desires….living the simple life in smalltown USA with a husband and a family, or living the single life of adventure while traveling the world.

I want to do it all….which brings to mind another country song:

I Wanna Do It All

I’m sitting in traffic
For the 5th year in a row
Wasting my time
Just to get
Where I don’t even wanna go
I started jotting things down
On a krispy kreme sack
Everything I’d do
If I could leave this place
And never look back

I wanna do it all
Visit paris in the fall
Watch the Yankee’s play ball
I wanna take it all in
Catch a few beads
Down at Mardi Gras
Start a tradition
Lay down the law
I wanna do it all

I want to drink tequila
Down in Tijuana
Say why not
When somebody says
Hey do you wanna
I wanna get my heart broke
Once or twice
Settle down with the love of my life
Rock little babies to sleep at night

I wanna spend a day
Every now and then
Just doin what I want to do
When I wanna do it
Anytime I wanna do it

I wanna do it all
See Niagara falls
Fight city hall
Feel good in my skin
Beating the odds
With my back to the wall
Try to rob Peter
Without paying Paul
I wanna do it all