Further Up and Further In

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why it is that I have such a hard time finding things to write about here. I have all these things in my head, and I want to get them out, and I think I would enjoy it, but there are…issues.

First, I think I just don’t know what the line is between appropriate and inappropriate. I would LOVE to be one of those blogs where I really spilled my guts and shared hard stuff, and was super-honest (not that I LIE, per se, but you know, I don’t talk about EVERYTHING), because those are the kinds of blogs I like to read. I like the ones where they update every day (or really often) and tell you almost everything that’s going on in their lives.

But even those, some of them, admit that they don’t talk about everything, either. But still – it’s more than I talk about. So what’s my hang-up?

I know part of it is that I really do just care way too much about what people think. I don’t want to write what I really think because I don’t want to have to defend myself to any nasty commenters. Or, when I do write what I really think, I’m so afraid of being misunderstood that I qualify everything and put a disclaimer in front of every other sentence. I do that when I’m talking, too, but it’s a little different, since a blog is, in some ways, so…public.

Is it just that I’m really insecure with different aspects of myself? I think so. I know there are things about me (things like music preference) that are very intrinsically ME but are so…tender, maybe? that I can’t stomach the idea of someone mocking those things. Like, if you mock that, you’re mocking me as a person, because of how tied up that stuff is with my identity. But then there are people who clearly have things that are similarly tied up with their identity and maybe mockable but don’t CARE, and it doesn’t hurt them when people mock them about those things.

One of…well, I shouldn’t say one of. My MAIN fear, socially, is of being misunderstood. It is of utmost importance to me that people understand me and even if they don’t agree, that they understand where I’m coming from and at least agree that I have a VALID point of view. I know this is kind of ridiculous, especially on the internet, but I’ve mostly been surrounded my whole life by people who, more or less, DO understand me, and I (I think) understand them, too, to some extent. It’s really, really difficult for me when someone with whom I have some sort of friendship completely doesn’t understand some part of me.

I think that’s the problem. I’m not really that worried about the random people who comment about my supposed engagement to a certain rock-band frontman (HA! because that was AWESOME), or about the people who comment on the fact that Brandon and I go to the puppy store every so often on dates (and supposedly “torture” the pets there…right). I don’t have a relationship with any of them. They don’t know me at ALL, and probably never will, so it isn’t really a big loss if they don’t understand me. I’m not saying those puppy-store comments didn’t get my hackles up a little, they totally did…but it didn’t last. It didn’t make me afraid of talking about it again.

It’s the idea of friends of mine reading this site and mocking things that are dear to me that is hard. Because I DO have relationships with them, and I WANT them to understand me and like me and think I’m cool and all that.

But now I’m thinking…maybe the problem is that I haven’t been real enough with some of my friends from the start. If I’m so afraid of people finding out different sides of me and not understanding those sides…how accurate of a picture of myself did I really present to my friends when I got to know them? Why do I tailor how I present myself to fit the group dynamic? Why can’t I just present myself fully, and let people take it or leave it?

The other main aspect of this dilemma is…what’s appropriate. While I do love reading all of those spill-yer-guts blogs, and think that’s totally fine in that context, I’m not sure in my situation that it IS totally appropriate. Is it really necessary for me to share all the inner workings of my heart with the entire internet? Isn’t that what my husband and close friends are for?

Come to think of it, that isn’t really the issue. I don’t feel a particular need to share all of my emotional difficulties here. I think I feel a combination of (self-imposed) pressure to be a brilliant, witty writer, pressure to write things that will make people like me, and pressure to just write for my own enjoyment and personal expression.

I’m going to work on focusing on the latter from now on. I really like writing, and even more than that, I like talking, particularly about myself. Yes, I am that self-centered. (And yes, I really have talked about my ‘moisturizer cream’ here. Those lyrics describe me pretty perfectly.) I don’t know if it’ll make me update any more frequently, but maybe. I’m turning over a new leaf here, people. Be proud.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007 at 3:35 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.