Here I go…

August 11th, 2004 at 2:34 pm by sillyjoe (Adventures in Randomosity, School)

One week from today, I begin my new phase of life and move in with my new roomie and old friend Andy at Carson-Newman College.

Shew…I remember when I used to sit on the couch, eating Cheetos, watching Ninja Turtles…those were the days.

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…into something beautiful

August 8th, 2004 at 11:10 pm by sillyjoe (Life and Introspection)

What I get from my reflection
Isn’t what I thought I’d see
Give me reason to believe
You’d never keep me incomplete
You untie this loss of mine
That easily defines me
Do you see it on my face
That all I can think about is how long
I’ve been waiting to feel you move me

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

And I’m still fighting for the word to break these chains
And I still pray when I look in your eyes
You’d stare right back down
Into something beautiful

Mediocrity haunts me. Sometimes I find myself so concerned with how I look; what others think of me; I feel so inferior…like I don’t measure up the the world’s standards, to my parent’s standards, to my own standards;

Yet I find joy in that now.

How? My mediocrity is made perfect in Him. It is HE that has made me, chosen me, and begun the work in me. I consider myself a good guitarist, and a good singer. I’ve been leading worship at my youth group, church, and elsewhere for almost two years now. Week after week I hear from others how talented I am and how blessed I am with the talents God has given me. Yet I constantly find myself struggling with my own insecurities. Mediocrity manages to seep its way into my life, and before I know it, BOOM…I mess up. I miss a chord or a note, and it drives me insane. This is the problem with being an imperfect perfectionist. And here’s an oxymoron for you…I’m a procastinating perfectionist. Make sense of THAT one. Everything has to be perfect, but goshdarnit, I’ll take care of it tomorrow. Geez, now I’m just rambling. Anyway, I don’t know why I started this post. Just to ramble on the hauntings of mediocrity.

But let me say again…

That when I step back and think about it, I find myself rejoicing in my mediocrity. Because I have a gracious God who gives me everything I need…no more, no less. And that’s enough for me.

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“Once I’m gone I cannot look back…”

August 5th, 2004 at 3:47 pm by sillyjoe (Life and Introspection, School)

… I’ve got to trust this is right
‘Cause maybe I’m on my way to find you
But maybe I’m gonna make the mistake of my life” - Derek Webb

I decided to put off the other SuperWow posts and the Orientation posts, b/c well heck, I may never finish them, to write one about college. I have a lot of doubts and fears about myself as I’m about to embark on my four year or more journey through college. I’m excited, but anxious. Will I fail? Will I pass? Will I ever make it to class? Derek Webb’s song “Mistake of My Life” was written about his decision to move to Nashville to be with his lady, Sandra McCracken. I’ve connected with the song on a completely different level now, though, as I get ready to begin these four years. Maybe I’m on my way to find MYSELF, or maybe I’m gonna make the mistake of my life. I don’t really know. The fun is in the journey, I guess. Of course, it’s risky. I could find myself and my parents out 19 thousand bucks a year for no reason. That frightens me perhaps more than anything. The fear of failure is one that has haunted me more than any. What happens if I screw this up, if I fail my parents? I know that they’ll be proud of me and will support me no matter what, but that doesn’t seem to calm my fears.

However, afraid or not, I’m ready to tackle this thing head on.

” But I’ll leave the car running’
And I’ll leave half the boxes packed
For the slim chance I’ll go right back“

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