So I’ve spent the majority of today, my last day at home probably until summer, watching OLD home movies. And I’ve discovered that up until the age of about 5, I was one of the coolest kids ever. Then something happened between 5 and 15. I was a dork. A TOTAL dork. Dear Lord…save me from my past dorkness. Then I got my license and learned to play the guitar and I became cool again. Life is a magical thing.
Why I let my life revolve around someone who may not even return the feelings I have, I don’t know. I try not to let it happen, but it does. And then, I find myself in a funk like I’m in tonight. She’s always busy. And I know she’s not using that as an excuse to not be bothered by me, she really IS always busy. But sometimes I feel like she’s leading me on to think that something could happen, and hides behind her busyness, knowing that she won’t ever have to be confronted with whatever it is she says COULD happen between me and her. She doesn’t want to hurt me, so she doesn’t tell me that she doesn’t return my feelings. There are moments when it seems unlike that. When it seems like there is something there for her, like it is for me. Times when it seems my feelings are returned. But then I go back to my insecurities and paranoia, and all hell breaks loose. Why I can’t just be normal and not dwell on this so much, and worry, I don’t know. It’s not healthy, I’ll tell you that.
I’m tired of acting happy when I’m not. So here I am. I’m unhappy. With what I’m doing, with who I am. The Joe that I am now is not the Joe I want to be. I want to be better, I want be slimmer, I want to be good enough. But I never will be. I know that. No matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough to please my toughest critic. So here I am…wrapped in a load of crap and left out to dry. This is my life…
The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. – Rob Gordon, High Fidelity
I’ve recently made a few mix cds, one or two for pleasure and one or two for a girl….and, well, I’m actually quite proud of the flow of them. I very cautiously went through listening at the beginning and end of each song, making sure that one went well into another…Rob’s right, it IS a very painstaking process.
First, I made a Rock mix…just some assorted rock n roll that I thought would go good together…I wanted it to be an assortment of bands, as well.
Here’s the tracklist:
1. Time and Time Again – Chronic Future
2. Blue Side – Rooney
3. Don’t Hold Back (Full On) – The Normals
4. The Fight Song – Sanctus Real
5. I’m A Terrible Person – Rooney
6. Way Away – Yellowcard
7. What You Want – Caedmon’s Call
8. In God’s Country – U2
9. This Story – Ten Shekel Shirt
10. We Are Tomorrow – Bleach
11. Mistake of My Life – Caedmon’s Call
12. Stumblin’ – Powderfinger
13. Pain – Jimmy Eat World
14. Bombs Away – Paris Texas
15. Nothingwrong – Jimmy Eat World
16. Bullet the Blue Sky – U2
So I used a few bands, twice, but in the end, made what I consider a pretty good mix of rock music from all ends of the spectrum.
Next, I took it upon myself to make a love mix (which I have dubbed the “Looooooooooooove Mix”) for her. Here’s the tracklist for that one:
1. Bigger Than Us – Andy Davis
2. As Lovers Go – Dashboad Confessional
3. Yellow – Coldplay
4. Somewhere North – Caedmon’s Call
5. Until You – Dave Barnes
6. Magic – Andy Davis
7. Be Mine – David Gray
8. Try – Bebo Norman
9. Counting to 100 – Matt Wertz
10. Cupid – Jack Johnson
11. More Than Anyone – Gavin Degraw
12. You And I Both – Jason Mraz
13. Sweetness in Starlight – Matt Wertz
14. She Changes Your Mind – Copeland
15. With or Without You – U2
16. On A Night Like This – Dave Barnes
So that’s that. I’m currently making a “cruisin’ mix,” and a “rainy day mix.” I’m hoping to eventually have a compilation cd for every mood I might be in at the moment. I think that would be pretty flippin’ cool.