and I’m all by myself tonight, not again, not again…

March 4th, 2005 at 11:31 pm by sillyjoe (Adventures in Randomosity)

Why I let my life revolve around someone who may not even return the feelings I have, I don’t know. I try not to let it happen, but it does. And then, I find myself in a funk like I’m in tonight. She’s always busy. And I know she’s not using that as an excuse to not be bothered by me, she really IS always busy. But sometimes I feel like she’s leading me on to think that something could happen, and hides behind her busyness, knowing that she won’t ever have to be confronted with whatever it is she says COULD happen between me and her. She doesn’t want to hurt me, so she doesn’t tell me that she doesn’t return my feelings. There are moments when it seems unlike that. When it seems like there is something there for her, like it is for me. Times when it seems my feelings are returned. But then I go back to my insecurities and paranoia, and all hell breaks loose. Why I can’t just be normal and not dwell on this so much, and worry, I don’t know. It’s not healthy, I’ll tell you that.

I’m tired of acting happy when I’m not. So here I am. I’m unhappy. With what I’m doing, with who I am. The Joe that I am now is not the Joe I want to be. I want to be better, I want be slimmer, I want to be good enough. But I never will be. I know that. No matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough to please my toughest critic. So here I am…wrapped in a load of crap and left out to dry. This is my life…

8 Comments »

Susan said,

March 5th, 2005 at 2:50 pm

Wow… I totally could have written the post circa this time 2002. And so I will say to you the one thing that actually helped me during that time: a dear friend’s wise words — “It is okay to not be okay with this.” Don’t dwell too long in it, but know that it’s okay to be unhappy sometimes.
trey said,

March 7th, 2005 at 3:24 pm

if you are worried about being normal.. then you are doing a great job.. normal IS worrying about it.. the question should be.. why cant I be abnormal and not worry about it. but then again.. who wants to be labled as abnormal right?
SillyJoe said,

March 7th, 2005 at 5:00 pm

“normality is boring”
Katey said,

March 9th, 2005 at 9:31 pm

Your mom is boring!

Sorry…had to add my $.02!
SillyJoe said,

March 10th, 2005 at 12:03 am

Tis good to feel loved.

Thanks Katey, lol
Chris said,

March 10th, 2005 at 5:18 pm

I can relate with what you’re feeling. I’m still in that place myself…displaying one thing for everyone to see, while inside feeling and being someone different.
Thanks for sharing your feelings. Know that you’re not alone.
linda said,

November 28th, 2005 at 10:25 pm

here’s something to keep in mind: if you feel something towards someone, and even if those feelings are not returned, it is such a great thing to tell them how you might feel
sillyjoe said,

November 28th, 2005 at 10:49 pm

wow…this brings back crazy memories…whoever you are, linda…hi, thanks for reading the blog and whatnot.

and i DID tell her how i felt…if you go further back in the blog (like valentine’s day or so) you’ll hear about it, methinks.