spent a thousand empty days just looking for a girl to make me real…

November 20th, 2006 at 9:37 pm by sillyjoe (Adventures in Randomosity, Life and Introspection, Music)

I’ve been speculating today on my high school days, and of most of my days during my year at college. I spent the majority of those years absolutely positive that I needed a girl. I remember thinking, if I just had a girlfriend, than all of this other crap that’s bothering me would go away! I know, that sounds pretty dumb, but hey, that was my logic. The older, wiser self that looks back on those times now wishes I could go back and smack myself….but oh well. I wasted so much time giving way too much attention to a few particular girls only because they gave me attention back. Somewhere, deep in the recesses of my mind, I thought, “Hey, she’s giving me attention…maybe she likes me. Maybe she’ll go out with me. Maybe she’ll make me feel better.” Why is it that we need companionship to validate our existence? And why isn’t God’s companionship enough? Or is it enough, and we’re just greedy beings? Somewhere along the line, I grew up. I quit being so desperate for female companionship, and started enjoying just hanging out without all of the excess baggage of hoping for more than friendship. And I was surprised to realize that there was life out there. There was completion out there. And it was only a breath away. I’m not sure how I missed it. I had it all along, I just never noticed before. But now, I realize that all I need is what I have in God. He is there to complete me, to fill that void. That whole female companionship thing will come when it’s supposed to come. And who knows? Maybe someday something will fall into place and I’ll look back on everything that’s happened in my life and say “See? It was all leading up to this.” But right now, I’m content with what I have. It’s still pretty entertaining to look back on those older days, those desperate days. To all of the ladies I pursued in those times…I apologize. I was…a sad creature, at best.

And I feel blood pouring through these veins after all
And I feel love washing through these stains after all
And I am coming to life, I am coming to life - The Normals

I can’t believe I never noticed my heart before… - Mutemath

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