Is it okay to covet something if only because you think it’s cool?
I want a Thingamagoop!
Make me sanguine, help me genuinely kill the doubt that strangles my self-worth
One of my favorite bands is The Avett Brothers. They have an ability to capture energy and emotion in their music like noone else I’ve ever heard. My life has been a range of emotions as of late. If there was a soundtrack, it would be the music of the Avetts. I’m trying to be sanguine, as their song suggests, but at times it is difficult. Light-heartedness has been one of my trademarks for most of my life. When people describe me they say I take things as they come, live in the moment, I’m easy-going, unencumbered with the worries of life. They’re wrong. I’m trying to be that again. I’m trying.
I think that we can make it with a new beginning…
I haven’t posted here in ages, it seems, and my life has gone in a thousand different directions since the last time I did post. I’ll try to catch you up as briefly as I can. In April I met a girl. Well, I’d met her before that, but we didn’t really start to get to know each other until April. I found out she had a crush on me, which was a huge surprise, and when I started to talk to her and hang out with her I realized how incredibly awesome she is. The 23rd of this month will be our six monthiversary. When I think back to what my life was like before Ashley, it’s strange to realize how alone I’ve felt for much of my adolescence. A loneliness that for much of my high school years was coupled with desperation. But this girl seemed to creep up out of nowhere, and I couldn’t be happier about it.
Now to the less happy portion of the update…
For much of early July I couldn’t sleep. I was getting 2-3 hours a night at the most. I also started getting these awful headaches. I’m talking about the worst headaches I’ve ever experienced in my life. I told my girlfriend it felt like someone was hitting me in the forehead with a blunt object over and over again. All of this combined with a general malaise. I didn’t really want to do anything or be anywhere, and for some reason I started worrying all the time. About Ashley, about my job, about the church, about everything. I got a doctor’s appointment for a Tuesday afternoon to inquire about everything that was going on, and then about an hour before the appointment I started having trouble breathing, and freaking out. I realized I was probably having a panic attack. I’d never experienced anything like it before in my life, I sincerely thought I was going to die. Mom and Dad came home to take me to the doctor immediately (they got me calmed down on the way there, fortunately), and after seeing him I got put on some medication for my depression and for the headaches. Things started looking up: the headaches went away and I started sleeping, but the panic attacks began to happen more frequently. At least every other day, I had a spell. I had to be taken off the schedule at Ruby’s and stop leading worship at church because I couldn’t be counted on to show up because of my illness. I was afraid to go anywhere. The only thing that really kept me from going completely insane was Ashley. She seemed to know how to calm me down in the midst of an attack better than anyone else.
After about a month all of the anxiety/depression seemed to fade away. I don’t know if it’s the anti-depressant doing its job, or if I just got past whatever it was I was dealing with, but the issue seems to be mostly a non-issue now.
Then, my neck was bothering me one day, and I noticed there was a fairly large knot on the left side of it. A few days later, when it hadn’t gone down any, I went to my doctor to get it checked out and he told me the possible issues. It could be an infection in my lymph nodes, it could be a cyst, it could be leukemia, lymphoma, or any number of things. Some blood work was done, some antibiotics perscribed, and I was asked to come back in a few days. The blood work came back clear, no leukemia! I was incredibly relieved. But the knot wasn’t budging from the antibiotic. My doctor decided to order a CT scan to find out if the knot was in fact a lymph node or a cyst. A few days later I found out it was a lymph node and, guess what, there’s more than one. A needle biopsy was ordered. A week or so later, the results to that came back. Negative for everything. RELIEF! Good, right? Another week goes by, and the knot’s still there. My doctor wants me to see a general surgeon about possibly removing the lymph node and doing a full biopsy on it. Apparently it could still be lymphoma. The surgeon wants to observe me for a few more weeks before operating, thinks it’s still most likely an infection. Apparently these things take a long time to go down after they flare up.
So that’s where I am now. Lumpy neck, waiting and hoping and worrying. I’m back at work and should start leading worship again in the next few weeks. Pray for me whenever you get the chance. God continues to keep life interesting for me.