I’m so tired of fighting.
of being right.
of being a know-it-all.
of living with know-it-alls.
of losing patience.
of finding myself not sleeping.
of dealing.
of scary dreams.
of trying.
of lying.
of holding on.
of letting go.
I’m tired.
This one’s about 15 albums that have changed your life…
Think of 15 albums, CDs, LPs (if you’re over 40) that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life. Dug into your soul. Music that brought you to life when you heard it. Royally affected you, kicked you in the wasu, literally socked you in the gut, is what I mean. Then when you finish, tag 15 others (or more!), including moi. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill.
Alright. Here we go, in no particular order.
1. The Avett Brothers – Emotionalism: Anyone who knows me knows how obsessed I am with the Avetts. This album is the one that pulled me in. I’ve tried to come up with a way to describe the guys to people who haven’t heard of them, and the best I’ve come up with is that if the Beatles were from Appalachia instead of Liverpool, they’d sound like the Avett Brothers.
2. Caedmon’s Call – 40 Acres: This album owned my ears for a good part of my life. Caedmon’s was my favorite band for most of my teen years, and I remember listening to Derek Webb sing about singleness and praying I could someday have that kind of falsetto.
3. The Beatles – Revolver: I didn’t really start to absorb the Beatles’ music until the past couple of years, but it’s amazing to think of how influential they’ve been when you listen to albums like Revolver. I can listen to this album and point out a hundred things that I’ve heard in other albums that have been recorded since, that I now know have totally ripped off the Fab Five.
4. The Normals – Coming to Life: This is the first cd I put in my first car cd player in my first car. It stayed in there for a lot of my late teens. The songs “The Best I Can” and “Coming To Life” were huge themes for me at the time, and still are. And “Black Dress” is just epic.
5. Blue Merle – Burning in the Sun: Blue Merle is the band I associate with college. I found them during the year I attended Carson-Newman, and a mutual love for their music cemented my friendship with my good friend Sam. I was so sad when they broke up after only one album.
6. Dave Matthews Band – Under the Table and Dreaming: Like most guys who play the acoustical guitar, I had a Dave Matthews phase. If I ever meet Dave, I’m going to thank him for changing the way I approach playing the guitar.
7. Ryan Adams – Heartbreaker: His best album, in my opinion, and for me, the most cathartic. “Come Pick Me Up” and “Oh My Sweet Carolina” are perfect.
8. Ben Folds – Rockin’ the Suburbs: Another college-associated record. Ben Folds has such a way with melody and with phrase. I once read an article that talked about the way Ben juxtaposed beautiful music with vulgar lyrics to capture the tension in life itself. I think that’s a great idea, but I also love his music just for what it is.
9. Matt Wertz – Somedays: This isn’t the best Matt Wertz album, nor is it my favorite. But this album is the one that introduced me to independent music. I had heard of John Mayer, but I wasn’t interested. This guy interested me. And I got pulled in, and it’s been a great ride. Matt (and his counterpart, Dave Barnes) has been continually gaining steam in the music business since I first heard him, and I couldn’t be happier for him.
10. Wilco – Yankee Hotel Foxtrot: The album that broadened my musical horizons. When I lived at Carson-Newman with my roommate Andy, he talked and talked and talked about this band Wilco, who was supposed to be amazing. I’m glad I listened.
11. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova – Once: The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack: It seems strange to include a soundtrack on this list, but this album is that good. Hansard, lead singer of the Irish band the Frames and Irglova starred in the movie together and wrote/performed all of the music. Some of the best songwriting I’ve heard in ages.
12. Dave Barnes – Brother, Bring the Sun: If Wertz’s Somedays was the album that introduced me to indie music, then this is the one that submerged me in it. I found Wertz first, but Dave’s the guy I still follow. My hard copy of this cd won’t play anymore. It’s too worn out. “Until You” was the first song I sang to my girlfriend.
13. Mute Math – Mute Math: Epic. There’s not much you can say about these guys without seeming hyperbolic, but it would all be true. They’re too great for words, but you have to see them live. This album is a ride.
14. Boards of Canada – Trans Canada Highway: This little EP got me into electronic music. There was a time (my folk-music-elitist days) when I categorized all electronic music as “techno” and smirked at all of it. Now, it’s probably about 1/3 of the music I listen to.
15. Bruce Springsteen – We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions: I was never a big fan of the Boss. I just didn’t give his music that much of a chance. It’s not that I didn’t like him, just hadn’t listened. Then this album came out. I thought “Man, that’s a cool concept,” so I picked it up. There’s a reason they call him the Boss. I dare you to listen to “O Mary You Don’t You Weep” more than once without singing along on the second and third times.
I’m going to try and write individual posts about most of these albums and why they had such an effect on me, maybe turn it into a series.
Who shall I tag? Hmm… Geof, Jeff, Michael, Travis, Andy, Matt, and Scott…you’re up.
Here’s 25 random things about me…
1. I am addicted to used book/movie shops. There are two here in Knoxville that I spend way too much time at.
2. As #1 might hint at, I’m an avid collector of both dvds, books, AND cds. My friend Matt has called me a pop culture sponge.
3. I am double jointed in almost all of my fingers (just not the thumbs).
4. My dad’s a Baptist preacher. He’s been a bi-vocational pastor most of my life, but now ministers as an Associate Pastor to Senior Adults full time at his church.
5. I won the school spelling bee in 5th grade, and came in 15th in the county bee (out of about 80). I went out on the word “pachyderm”
6. I have a closet full of random T-shirts, which during the fall and spring I love to wear over one of my many thermal shirts.
7. I have an usual love of martial arts films, especially the older films of Jackie Chan.
8. When I was in middle school, I wanted to be a lawyer. I read all of John Grisham’s books in a few months time. Then as soon as I got into high school, discovered the guitar, and realized I was a slacker, I left lawyering behind.
9. I’ve always had a secret desire to become a con artist. Not the kind that steals from old women, but the kind who pulls long cons and grifts…I think I could totally pull it off.
10. When I was in college, my friend Sam and I stayed up all night and watched the movie Almost Famous on my laptop just to have an excuse to skip our Philosophy class.
11. My dad and I almost got into a fight with some drunk guys at a Knoxville Speed hockey game when I was like 14. Well, dad almost got into a fight, but I totally had his back.
12. I am obsessed. OBSESSED. with the Avett Brothers. They’re the greatest band in the universe and everyone should know it.
13. My friend Matt Cheney and I used to eat pizza out of pizza boxes in the hall trash can in college (yes, I stole this from his list, but we did do it together). One time we found crazy bread. Score!
14. I think McDonald’s Sweet Tea is entirely too good to come from a fast food place.
15. Some of my friends and I have a tradition where we go to Waffle House on each others’ birthday. We always listen to “El Paso” by Marty Robbins and “Picture” by KidRock and Sheryl Crow on the jukebox.
16. I’ve never been drunk, and I didn’t taste alcohol until I turned 21.
17. One snowy night in college, my roommate Andy, our friend Sam and I played in the snow at 3 in the morning. It was magical, and we thought there wouldn’t be school the next day. But there was. Also, Sam tried to slide down the sidewalk that cuts through Henderson lawn and he totally faceplanted. It was awesome.
18. The 23rd of this month, my girlfriend and I will have been together 10 months. That’s bananas.
19. Speaking of my girlfriend, our first real date was to Waffle House. She’d never been there.
20. I started playing guitar seriously when I was 15.
21. I realized I could sing when I was about 10. I started singing songs a capella in church.
22. I read every Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys mystery I could find when I was in middle school. I had a crush on Beth.
23. I have catchphrases. I don’t really know how they start, but certain phrases find their way into my vernacular and stay there. Examples: “I’m just sayin’,” “true story,” “look it up,” etc.
24. Two of my best friends and I have a band. We’ve only played two shows, and we call ourselves the Jesus Cowboys. We are awesome.
25. I’ve only been to Hooter’s once. And it was with my old roommate Andy. Our waitress had pink hair. It was only slightly awkward. Okay, it was a lot of awkward.
And I run to the arms of another song, another story by a man who’s dead and gone; When will I run, when will I run to the arms of God?
– Andrew Osenga – “When Will I Run?”
Now–here is my secret:
I tell it to you with an openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God–that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love.
– Douglas Coupland – Life After God
I’ve been putting off writing this post for several months now, but a post over on Kari’s blog encouraged me to finally take the plunge. Right now, I’m listening to Andrew Osenga’s “Too Far To Walk” from his Photographs album. I could post all the lyrics to this song and they would apply to what I’ve been going through, but you’ll have to search them out for yourself. I need to get this out, and quick before I change my mind. If you read this blog, you know about the things I went through last summer (here’s the post about it), but I left out a crucial part because of the hurt that I feel when I think about it. I dream about it at least once a week, and it’s been the hardest struggle my mind has ever gone through. When my panic attacks started, I stepped down from leading worship at my church “temporarily,” until I could get things straightened out. I felt it was what I needed to do. I didn’t believe I could adequately lead the people of my congregation in worship when there was so much weighing down on me. This was supported by nearly everyone I know, including my family, my girlfriend, my friends, and the church’s pastor. After one failed restart (I had a panic attack on the way to practice on the day I decided I was ready to come back…I wasn’t ready, apparently), I finally knew, knew, mind you, that I was ready. That God had made me ready to do what I needed to do. I must digress to tell you that I believe more than anything in my heart that I’m supposed to use the musical talent God has given me to lead others in worship. So, I was ready. I met with my pastor and told him where I was at and how I felt. This meeting didn’t go the way I had hoped. I learned that my pastor believed the reason for my panic attacks, the reason for my depression, the reason I had struggled for three months was because I had somehow failed morally. He hinted that maybe it was because my girlfriend and I had slept together. This isn’t true, and to be honest, I was offended. I was hurt. I’d worked at the church for more than three years, and this man, my pastor, my friend, his first guess as to what has caused my problems is that I (pardon the commonness of this term) was screwing my girlfriend. Again, this isn’t true. Our conversation didn’t end there. He informed me that he would be happy for me to come back to leading worship at the church, after a four month probationary period, in which accountability would have to established, and I would have to earn back the trust of the church and its congregation. Let me restate that I stepped down from my position temporarily of my own accord, so I was confused as to where I betrayed the trust of the church. The meeting didn’t end well, and I haven’t been back to the church since. I’m fairly sure that no one there knows exactly what happened, and I haven’t talked to anyone from the church with the exception of a couple of folks. I regularly have dreams where I confront the pastor, asking him why he did things the way he did them, but the truth is I’m scared to talk to him. I know I should. I know it’s biblical (Matthew 18), but I’m afraid of what I might do. Yes, I’m really afraid I could become violent. I have so many feelings and emotions inside of me that I don’t know how I might express, or even how I could. My girlfriend and I attend church with my parents now, at a place where we feel welcomed and loved. I miss my old community so much, but I know in my heart I can never go back. I hope someday there can be reconciliation, but I fear there may never be. I pray there will at least be closure.
This situation has taught me, more than anything, and more than ever, that I need God. I need him more than the air that I’m breathing, and more than the blood pouring through these veins of mine. I know He’ll never leave me. I pray I never leave Him.