January 17, 2009
I’ve never before hated my lack of belief as I do now. I’ve been to every minister of every religious house in three counties. I’ve begged every god I could conceive for forgiveness. But I know that the gods aren’t there, and the ministers can offer only comfort and fellowship – not divine forgiveness.
The worst part of being consumed by this universe of guilt is that my Circumstance prevents anyone from knowing anything about my sins. So many see a life spent in mourning and penance for no reason; I am the only one who knows the why of it all. I dare not tell them…any of them. No priest or rabbi can be trusted with my secret. No friend or family member can offer assistance, and the burden of this knowledge is too great to place upon them.
Everything continues as it has – I bear it all alone.
I deserve an eternity in hell…and maybe this is it.