Friday, November 12th, 2010
I’m beginning to lose confidence in my count, though I doubt such a thing matters for more than mere record-keeping purposes. I’ve had more memory problems, but not like 4. At the start of 39, I had bits and pieces of memories that didn’t seem to line up with what I recalled experiencing, like distinct and very visible flashes that I couldn’t place. Throughout 39, these memories plagued me, hampering my work on the Circumstance and making me think I might be suffering from a mental illness. And then at 40…I lived them.
The experience was jarring, to say the least. An entire life plagued by an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. I couldn’t think or speak without being so disoriented that I wanted to vomit. I couldn’t form relationships, because every word and every action was plagued by that same nauseating awareness of exactly what was going to happen. I can’t really describe the experience, to be honest. It was too much to bear; so despite the risk, I chose to kill myself at a young age, hoping for some relief.
Fortunately, my gamble paid off, and 41 presented no such difficulties. And the experience, disturbing as it was, carried with it an unexpected benefit – a new line of inquiry into the Circumstance. I believe I am finally starting to home in on what is happening to me, and I couldn’t have done it without 39 and 40.
A full explanation of the hypothesis is too complex to record here, but I think my consciousness is looping across universes. I have a few ideas about experimental confirmation – here’s hoping that, at long last, I have found the answer, because it’s my only option for escape.