Life Within The Law

MJD 48380
I’m beginning to lose confidence in my count, though I doubt such a thing matters for more than mere record-keeping purposes. I’ve had more memory problems, but not like 4. At the start of 39, I had bits and pieces of memories that didn’t seem to line up with what I recalled experiencing, like distinct and very visible flashes that I couldn’t place. Throughout 39, these memories plagued me, hampering my work on the Circumstance and making me think I might be suffering from a mental illness. And then at 40…I lived them.

The experience was jarring, to say the least. An entire life plagued by an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. I couldn’t think or speak without being so disoriented that I wanted to vomit. I couldn’t form relationships, because every word and every action was plagued by that same nauseating awareness of exactly what was going to happen. I can’t really describe the experience, to be honest. It was too much to bear; so despite the risk, I chose to kill myself at a young age, hoping for some relief.

Fortunately, my gamble paid off, and 41 presented no such difficulties. And the experience, disturbing as it was, carried with it an unexpected benefit – a new line of inquiry into the Circumstance. I believe I am finally starting to home in on what is happening to me, and I couldn’t have done it without 39 and 40.

A full explanation of the hypothesis is too complex to record here, but I think my consciousness is looping across universes. I have a few ideas about experimental confirmation – here’s hoping that, at long last, I have found the answer, because it’s my only option for escape.

RULES
1. No human life is meaningless.
2. Misdirection will save you almost every time.
3. When in doubt, say nothing.
4. If unsure, act as those around you are acting.
5. Remember the lesson of 34.
6. Don’t give up.
7. Be aware at all times.
8. Stay away fro<<<!//STREAM INTERRUPTION. SIGNAL TERMINATED AT SOURCE.//<<<

August 28, 1988
The struggle for meaning affects all of us. The essential question of human life is “Why are we here?” And though I know no more of that answer than does anyone else, my peculiar Circumstance would prod me toward believing in the essential meaninglessness of everything.

I have succumbed to such terrible reasoning in the past. Committed atrocities…the memory of which haunts me still. And yet the last several decades have, thankfully, offered me healing. It is an old cliché that time heals all wounds, and I am grateful to see that time, at least, has not abandoned me.

Though I have begun to move beyond the mistakes of an unremembered past, I fear there is another consequence I must yet face as a result of my evil actions. I find myself…quite a bit more mentally fragile than I have in the past, even more than I was in my first life.

Hopefully this is only a temporary burden, as there is much work to do. I’m resuming my investigation into what is happening to me. I gave up the idea centuries ago, but it seems that even I wasn’t able to purge my own inquisitive nature; and a chance encounter with an astrophysicist friend from a prior Iteration sparked a new line of inquiry, one which I believe may yet hold some promise.

For the first time in a very long time, I can smile.

January 17, 2009
I’ve never before hated my lack of belief as I do now. I’ve been to every minister of every religious house in three counties. I’ve begged every god I could conceive for forgiveness. But I know that the gods aren’t there, and the ministers can offer only comfort and fellowship – not divine forgiveness.

The worst part of being consumed by this universe of guilt is that my Circumstance prevents anyone from knowing anything about my sins. So many see a life spent in mourning and penance for no reason; I am the only one who knows the why of it all. I dare not tell them…any of them. No priest or rabbi can be trusted with my secret. No friend or family member can offer assistance, and the burden of this knowledge is too great to place upon them.

Everything continues as it has – I bear it all alone.

I deserve an eternity in hell…and maybe this is it.

December 3, 1985
I have trouble looking in the mirror. I hate myself for what I did last time. I want to believe, as I did then, that it doesn’t matter, that nothing matters, but…the things I did…

It took many lifetimes to gather the necessary intelligence to put my plan into motion. And though some things change each time, most things stay the same – including routines, habits, weaknesses…passwords.

Once every detail was squared away, I managed to launch a single ICBM at Hong Kong. I chose the target because it was important enough to the Chinese to warrant full nuclear retaliation, but not important enough to reduce their ability to retaliate. And retaliate they did…once the dominoes started to fall, everyone with a missile launched at someone. By the time I crawled out of my hiding spot, I emerged into a hot red world that I loved far more than the old blue one, and I killed every person I met – military, civilian, men, women…children. I didn’t last long, only a few days really – then a group of soldiers surrounded the building I was in and started lobbing grenades. I was happy to die by then.

But those few days…they left a horrible imprint on me. And every time I look in the mirror, I don’t see a young boy – I see a man’s face…my face…covered in her blood.

11.1.2036
I’ve been in the Army for the last seven iterations. Collectively, I’ve killed more people than I even know this time. The longer I live, the more I fight…the harder I become. I was calloused before. Now I’m something else.

None of this has ever mattered. What I am doesn’t matter, and giving up that stupid quest a “lifetime” ago was the best decision I have ever made. I hate everyone and everything, and the only thing I want is to burn the whole damn place down, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’ve been working on a plan…it’s subtle, and complex, and it will take a tremendous amount of effort and time, but when it’s finally done…I will survey what I have made, and consider it good.

Only thing in my way now is that I’m too old. Fortunately, there’s an easy fix to that.

September 10, 2001
What feels like (and in reality must certainly be approaching) centuries of study has left me with no answer. I do not know what I am. Every medical and biological test comes back normal. Every physics investigation leads nowhere. I am on the verge of giving up. My frustration is…extreme.

Tomorrow the planes hit. I stopped them, two times ago; but bin Laden nuked DC and Riyadh using warheads smuggled out of Kazakhstan. It’s not always like that…sometimes when I help, it really helps; but sometimes I only make things worse.

I’ll fake the shock and sadness well enough to blend in with everyone. Living your life again and again makes you good at faking things. But I won’t be feigning the rage, and I won’t be dissuaded from enlisting on the 12th. I don’t care if I die; the best case scenario, in my book, is that I really die and stop coming back. None of this matters anymore, so it’s time to just do whatever the hell I want.

December 25, 1991
The world is so much more delicate than I realized, more than anyone realizes. Tiny little variations cause immense change. Quantum uncertainty and chaos mathematics play out at the macro level in a way that no one can anticipate; and since my life is currently the only laboratory for this information, it is unlikely anyone will know for a very long time. It’s the little things<<<!//FILE CORRUPTED. ERROR LOGGED.//<<<

No more memory gaps like Iteration 4 have cropped up, thankfully. (In the absence of another suitable term, I’m calling these lives of mine “iterations.”) I’m starting to come around to the idea that it was a one-time fluke. But I’m also starting to give up the ghost on my long-dead marriage – she’s hated me every time, like she can just feel something is wrong with me. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but I have had many lifetimes to grieve; perhaps I should try actually moving on, rather than trying to fix everything all the time.

Perhaps in the spirit of moving on, I’ve been systematically studying every field of science that might lead me to an answer for the only question I have left in life: What am I?

June 1, 1985
Last time…I didn’t know. I didn’t know what was happening. I was re-born, but I had no memory of having lived before. I just…grew up. Now…now I remember it all, and I’m glad to have my awareness back. But I’m left with a chilling lifetime of memories…

…and an uncomfortable question. Is this really only the fifth time I’ve lived?

August 9, 1989
I’ve spent these last six years in contemplation. The first time, it was a wonderful surprise to discover I had been reborn, and I had an opportunity to accomplish all that escaped me during my “actual” life.  It was sixty-seven years of unparalleled bliss – every day a reminder that life is fleeting, every challenge an opportunity to achieve.

And then I came back here. I don’t know what it means. I’ve been an atheist longer than any humans ever live, so I don’t believe in cosmic transcendence, nor do I believe that life has any meaning – not even my peculiar life, even though I cannot explain my existence with science. But six years of contemplation has taught me nothing, and I have now all the answers I had when I was “born.”

Perhaps I should be viewing this more as an opportunity to develop new skills – to learn that which I have heretofore sadly avoided. The freedom this condition provides is not something I’ve ever gotten used to; so a simple question like “Might I choose another career?” is something I make unnecessarily difficult.

One notable failure – I never married last time. I got married in my real life, to my beautiful Jenny; but my circumstances were radically altered last time, and I could not engineer a suitable introduction. I met her, alright; but by the time I did, she was already married to someone else. I just…couldn’t stomach the thought of marrying anyone else, so I spent most of my time alone.

This time, I’ve decided to remedy that by hiding my true self. I know the game now, so they have seen a child; and that is all they will see. I’ll meet Jenny, we’ll fall in love, and everything will truly be perfect.