Moving Targets
It’s an old metaphor, but it bares repeating: it’s alot easier to change the direction of something that’s moving than of something that’s standing still. So often, I stay frozen rather than moving - as though inaction were morally neutral itself.
What prompted this rather odd little piece of pithy-ness? Well, I’m playing piano at chapel in the morning. My roommate has an appointment with his witch-doctor, so we were going to be down a pianist. And the 2 songs I had in mind would certainly benefit from a piano. Thing is, I’ve never led from piano before. I’ve backed up people for weddings and worship before. I’ve improvised for an hour or so at different informal socials. But I’ve never played and sang lead with a band. And I’m nervous. I really don’t think I’m very good, and I’m scared I’m going to be falling behind on the beat and the songs will turn to rhythmic mush.
Nervousness is not an ordinary thing for me. So much of me is used to playing in front of people that I’m good at telling myself that I’m not nervous, or at least it should not paralyze me. But this scares me. So I’ve been asking myself questions; like why is this such a big deal for me? This gets me in something of a spiral, where I get to wondering if the only reason why I want to play piano is to prove that I can, to impress people, to get kudos. When I get to thinking that, I think it would be a better idea for me to just stick to guitar and let the sonic space be absent rather than feed my pride.
But then I talked with my roommate, and he started telling me about how he had to just push himself out there past those fears of not being adequate. I realized how I do need to get through that if I’m going to grow as a pianist and worship leader.
That still leaves my mixed motives, doesn’t it? That’s where the metaphor comes in. I realized tonight just how much I depend on myself to fix myself and my motives before I’ll be good enough to be used by God. Which is, of course, the complete antithesis of the Gospel. It’s His job to sanctify me as I follow Him, not mine to clean up my act before I take any steps.
This stuck out to me this week as members of a worship leader list-serve I subscribe to had been talking about offertories. A member said that a young man began attending the church 2 weeks ago and was dropping hints about wanting to play an offertory, and the worship leader didn’t like the idea of providing audiences for eager performers. And much of me does agree with the worship leader. This guy sounds like he needs to check his motives.
What changed in me tonight, as I thought about that, is how quick I am to pass the buck on that. I take a second look at what I just said: that “he needs to check his motives.” And that’s sort of true. This guy probably does need to develop his character some before he is offered what may be seen as a platform in the church. But who’s responsibility is that? I confess that my first thought is that the guy needs a time-out to go and think about himself and God and whatnot and he can come back when he’s fixed his attitude. Where’s the gospel in that? Where’s the investment in community? Where’s discipleship?
I’m waking up to the ways that I give up on myself and others in the self-righteous pursuit of pure motives, and I want to repent.