Sharpe's little blog

The other song that I mentioned I working on a few weeks ago is now posted on the Reformation Drive MySpace.

This song is for some friends of mine that recently adopted a little girl from Ethiopia. They chose to name her Salem, which means “peace.” They chose this name before they’d even received their call, and before their little girl was even born. This idea impressed me – that parents would pray for their child by name before she was even born. A song began in the back of my mind. The parents kept a web journal going with their reflections and experiences through the long process of international adoption. In writing the lyrics for this song, I borrowed and adapted quite a few of the thoughts from these journals. When they finally received the call, they found out that the little girl’s given name was Ethiopian for “they are longing for you”. What an amazingly appropriate name that screams with poetry.

About a week and a half ago, I had the chance to go with most all of my fellow counseling students to welcome the now-complete family to Florida. It was an amazing day. I went home that afternoon and finally finished up the music and lyrics for this song, and recorded this demo.

Salem

Before you were born your parents prayed for you by name
A long time waiting for the process of waiting to begin again
So they take these anxious hopes and hold them up to God
Sometimes even perfect plans can seem to take so long

They are longing for you…
Salem, come home soon

Well, it was a rather exciting little weekend in the life of Tim. First off, I want to say thank you to all the people have been praying for me the past few days. It means so much to know that I have great people who care and want to lift me up to the Lord. For those that didn’t hear, I spent all of Saturday in the hospital getting tests for lower abdominal pains. They never totally figured out what it was, but they were able to rule out the big worries, and it seems to be dissipating over the past few days. Hopefully that trend will continue. I’ve got an appointment tomorrow afternoon to follow up, so you can keep that in prayer.

As a slight blessing and a curse, this fell on the same weekend as my church’s annual family camp. This stinks, as I’d really been looking forward to spending the weekend getting to know people in the church better. But it also worked out that most of the music responsibilities could be handled without me, which was really nice. My roommate said it well on Saturday that there was no way that I should be sleeping outside this past weekend.

I also got the chance to visit in at Covenant again (not wanting to drive across town on pain killers, ya know?). It was nice to get to sit and hear Paul lead worship again. That boy, he’s good. And the sermon on Christian friendship was one of the most unique and great sermons that I’ve heard in a while. At first, I was a little hesitant as he gave a rather simple reading of what it means to be a “friend of Christ.” But then, the pastor turned it slightly and used similar principles to discuss true friendship among Christians, in a way that I found very convicting for my own heart. It left me really thankful to have been there to participate in worship with that community again. It also made me want to devote myself more to excellence at my current church, which is a good feeling.

I had some time yesterday to do something I haven’t done in a really long time – songwriting. The main goal of the day was a project that is just about completed, but not quite there. But I did finish up a song that had been just a snippet hanging in the back of my mind. Finally pulling my thoughts together on this one felt really good.

The basic premise of this song is how in Matthew 23 (and Luke 13), Jesus sits outside Jerusalem and says: “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.” I got to thinking about that resistance in the hearts of God’s people, and inside of me. One of the things I keep hearing about in Counseling class is the ambivalence people feel about real change and healing. I got to wondering what Jerusalem would say back to Jesus’ statement, and this song developed.

Jesus I wish you wouldn’t cry
Over this cold heart of mine
I gave up crying years ago
About the same time I stopped feeling alone
And started living with a ghost I call myself

Jesus, what are you tryin’ to do
With this silence you breathe into this room
It’s like you’re just about to sing
But it’s been so long now since I’ve heard anything
Here living with the ghost I call myself

Sorry about the bad quality of the recording. I just did it in 5 minutes with my cruddy laptop mic and very little desire to do a second take. Bonus points to anyone who can point out BOTH of the songs that I kinda pay homage to (in different ways) on this song.

BTW, if you’re somewhere where you can’t access MySpace and you want to hear the song, let me know and I’ll get you a copy. And, yes, the other song is coming very soon…

Reformation Drive Myspace.

**Update: Here’s a link to the sermon referenced in this post. Take a listen, then download the whole series from iTunes.***

I’ve been thinking for a while that I ought to do a post of all the different sermon podcasts that I subscribe to on a weekly basis, with a little explanation of what I like about them. That may be coming in the near future, but this post isn’t it. For now, I’ll just say that one name that will be near the top of that list is Matt Chandler from the Village Church outside of Dallas, Texas. The man is a great preacher. He makes sarcastic references about “bringing the sexy back.” He’s preaching slowly through Ecclesiastes. I like this guy a lot.

A few weeks ago, he made reference to the idea of Karma. As the great one-hit wonder the New Radicals said, we only get what we give. The prevailing philosophy of the world, just under the surface, is the idea that if you receive blessings or sufferings, it traces back to something good or bad that you did. We hear this same idea in the church all too often, in a slightly sanctified version. People are blessed because of their obedience, or punished to purge out some hidden sin in their lives. And none of that is true. Chandler called it “Love’s great interruption.” It was love that said that there’s more going on here than some cosmic balancing act.

For some weird reason, I got to thinking about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in Daniel 3. If you grew up in the church, you know the story like a nursery rhyme. If you didn’t, it’d probably sound like one of the most bizarre little tales ever told. The basics is that these 3 oddly-named young men refused to bow down to and worship a statue of their king. The king then sentenced them to be thrown into his big furnace to be burned for such insolence. They experienced the unfairness of the world, as they for simply obeying the First Commandment. They were doing the right thing, after all. Yet when they were thrown into the furnace, they were not burned. Instead, they got to hang out with Jesus a few thousand years before He would be incarnated.

I wouldn’t mind it if it always worked that way. The injustice of the world is brought against these faithful young men, yet it can’t touch them. They never really suffered in the flames. They were blessed for their faithfulness. And I honestly don’t get it, because the fires that I feel seem real enough right now.

I wonder if Karma is just another grab at artificial control. When life doesn’t make sense, the easiest thing often seems to be to set up everything in some big spreadsheet of credits and debits and use that to explain your current reality. It doesn’t even matter if it’s true or not, only if it makes you feel a little better for a little while – if this constructed story makes sense for just a few minutes.

I’ve been thinking in regards to some hard things going on in the lives of some of my friends right now. In some cases, there are bad decisions that have painful consequences both direct and indirect. In others, there just isn’t that. And I think in both cases its a mistake to try to use that kind of a flawed evaluation.

In John 9, a blind man is brought before Jesus. It surprises me that His disciples ask Him, “who sinned that this man was born blind?” It would have made sense if the Pharisees or the crowd asked Jesus this. I guess I figured the disciples should have known better. Jesus answers the question in a strange way. He doesn’t acknowledge anyone’s sin, but says “this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” And then Jesus heals the man.

It takes a lot of faith to say that there is more going on in all these sufferings than we can see right now. It’s much easier to just beat yourself up and make yourself the tragic, heroic victim of Karma. Yet God doesn’t work that way. Don’t you believe it for a second. Love is a great interruption to the apparent ways of the world.

Well, I promised some YouTube videos from a few weeks ago. Here they are, in their amazing, hilarious glory.

Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For:

Wonderwall:

I’ll Be: (with Seth going CRAZY)

This weekend was awesome as my old roommate Adam was back in town, and we got to cram much hanging out and catching up into a very few hours. It’s funny how quickly your brain will make that little switch that makes it feel like no time has passed at all and we’re back to life as it was. Then the plane takes off and you’re where you really are. Heidigger and I are making friends lately — Drew would be proud.

If those last few sentences didn’t make any sense, don’t worry. It’s not you; it’s me.

I found this linked on another blog and thought it was amazing.

In other news, my friend Josh Bales recently released his new CD. I haven’t heard it yet (beyond the stuff on his MySpace), but he’s been really excited about it everytime I’ve talked to him. I plan on picking one up from him when he’s in town next week. Josh is one of the few artsits that really grabs my heart and makes me want to be more honest with God and believe the Gospel more readily. It’s great stuff.

First, someone linked to this blog looking for “how the stock market works.” That is good humor folks. People thinking that I learned enough in Macro Econ 101 to actually be able to explain how the stock market works. I’m amazed that I got through a discussion of economics without getting all uppity about the way that capitalism depends on depravity in order to function. Anyway, it made me laugh.

A couple of weeks ago, I got to talking with some of the other guys in the counseling program about our college experiences. All of us in the conversation were involved in some kind of campus ministry, and we were left with very mixed feelings about the experience. Let me say up front, I’m hugely thankful for my experience with my campus ministry. I have a great group of friends that were willing to accept me and love me when I was a tough(er) person to love. I grew in my faith and knowledge of the Word. I even started to attend my first Presbyterian church and heard about such things as depravity and election for the first time in my Freshman year small group. Many of the other guys had positive experiences as well, getting their first tastes of spiritual leadership through the campus ministry. A few of the guys had even stayed around after college to work on staff for a couple of years before coming to attend seminary.

But there was also an odd common thread that ran through our stories that was a little darker. One of the guys captured it best with a simple question: “Did any of you have that guy in your campus ministry?” He went on to describe what he meant, and we all quickly found ourselves nodding in familiar acknowledgement. Somehow, the campus ministry guy (CMG) is always the same. He’s an archetype, really.

** He has a quiet time every morning.
** He disciples 3 guys, all of whom are awesome, and he leads a small group.
** He’s athletic, works out sometimes, plays sports – but never takes them seriously.
** He has a great sense of humor, and people always smile when they spend time with him.
** He is a very good student, but doesn’t take pride in his grades, and can always take time out to talk.
** He can play most any worship song on guitar, and the David Crowder Band is his favorite group.
** He is always respectful towards women, but can joke around with them too.
** He’s a John Piper nut, and quotes him regularly.
** He’s at every campus ministry function, often talking to the people on the outskirts.
** He spends many Friday and Saturday nights giving rides home to drunk freshmen, yet he’s always in church on Sunday.
** He is up front every week in large group, with a funny story and a great insight from the Word.

And everybody likes him.

It makes me uneasy when I look at that list. I’m really surprised at just how do-able all these things are. I can have a quiet time every morning. I can work out. I can read John Piper. I can learn guitar. Not that any of those things are bad. These are all good things. But I realize how often I think I’d rather be like the CMG than be like Jesus.

Actually, I realize how many of these things I have been doing, following the example of good ol’ CMG. I realize the reason why I did so many of these things, because I wanted to fit in and I wanted to be recognized. It’s only recently that I’ve begun to realize how so many of these things are just another way to hide. In my quest to get what CMG had, I grabbed for recognition by adopting all of his activities, hoping that somehow all of these behaviors would add up to a person that people would accept.

By the grace of God, I think that I’ve outgrown many of these things. That might mean that I’ve just found new archetypes to cling to, but I hope not. And I still think a lot about going into campus ministry after seminary, so I worry about the dangers of CMG. I’m scared that many campus ministries do a great job of talking about grace, but then they end up encouraging students towards a subtle works-based righteousness through the easy-to-emulate CMG. And it’s a lie. It’s a gaping hole.

The conversation was a while ago, but I kinda wish I could revisit it. I wonder if the other guys I was talking with ever felt like they were able to become the CMG – to be THE guy. I wonder if it was fulfilling. Maybe it did feel like the top of the world — for all of a year and a half. Or maybe it felt like you were always faking it, trying to fill a role that everyone expected of you. I dunno, I never really was all that good at it. I know that trying made me arrogant, tired, and detached. And grace is slowly letting those old wounds heal.

It’s been a good couple of days. Yesterday I got to sample gator at the famous (or not-so-famous) Black Hammock with Paul. Neither of us had experienced the Hammock before, and found it sadly devoid of bikers. It’s only about 10 minutes away from campus, and yet it feels like you’re in the complete boondocks. It’s a cultural experience, they say. Our lunch was accumpanied by a great assortment of old Southern Rock hits over the radio, while throwing in some Nickel Creek as well. It was a also a great chance to compare notes with Paul on worship leading, counseling, and life in general. I miss getting to play music with him each week, but I’m glad our friendship is continuing. We also ran into Jeff and Eva, who were also having their first experience of the big bad BH. My personal take: fried gator is actually very good, and well water isn’t all that bad, but I can see why some people hate it.

Last night Seth organized a big party with the UPC college students at our place. It was craziness. A definite reminder that I’m not in college anymore. I like to lie to myself and think that I’m still 20 or 22, but these kids have a ton more energy and enthusiasm than I do now. For a night, it was exciting and fun. It also tells me I need to be praying for Ande more often. At one point, I pulled out my guitar, we lit a ton of candles, and we sang a ton of old cover songs. Thomas had his camcorder going, so we might try to upload some of it on youtube later (like I said, I pretend I’m still young). The best is that Thomas was singing along, and so most of what you hear is him. It’s hilarious.

Speaking of UPC, I’ve had the great pleasure the past few weeks of playing in chapel with Jonathan Noel, who is the worship leader over there. The guy is a great piano player, and has a really soothing voice that is just nice to listen to. He’s played with tons of great artists, like Andrew Peterson, Fernando Ortega, Margaret Becker, and Jars of Clay. It’s been a huge honor to collaborate with him on Wednesday mornings, and stay sharp by playing with a guy who’s on the top of his game. That and he’s a really nice guy to boot, which is a huge plus. We’ve also got Chris from Orangewood back at the board, who is amazingly intuitive and easy to work with. The value of a good sound guy should never be underestimated. And he’s got a cute little baby who’s going to kill him later for all the naked pictures that daddy keeps showing everyone.

Today I get to play a little piano for the pre-reception at Jill’s wedding. Basically, that means that I meander around 5 or 6 songs and chord progressions while a bunch of people mill into the room before dinner. I’ll try to throw in some Richard Marx and Michael W. Smith just to see if people are listening. It’ll mostly be just improv tho, where half the time I’ll forget what chord I’m currenty playing. Then I get a free dinner and mack on some bridesmaids like Owen Wilson. Well, not so much on that last part, cuz that movie was actually pretty gross and had a paper-thin plot. But free dinner is always good.

Random side note: I recently got a new edition of Eugene Petersons’ The Message paraphrase. One of my little quibs (quib?) about paraphrase projects like this is that they’re just one guy, typically working from the English, adding liberal doses of his own interpretation on the words of scripture. I was quite surprised to read on the back of the Bible that, not only is Peterson himself a former prof of Greek and Hebrew, but he had his work edited by a good number of scholars. Names like Peter Enns (WTS), Duane Garrett (Gordon Conwell), Tremper Longman, Darrell Bock, Moises Silva (!), and even RTS’ former prof Richard Pratt. Cool stuff.

Another cool thing is that Daniela recently released her CD of original hymns. I’ve been listening to the acoustic demos that she did for a while now, and there are some really good songs on here. I look forwad to hearing the full band arrangements. I think I was supposed to play mandolin on this project at some point, but that never actually happened, which is a little disappointing. Speaking of CDs I wish I played on, the new Red Mountain CD is a recent addition to my collection. These guys continue to amaze. This is the perfect CD for when you need a good spiritual cry. I can’t believe I just typed that last sentence. Damn counseling program, making me all weepy all the time.

I really think I need to read Doug Wilson‘s Federal Husband and possibly Reforming Marriage. Not because I like Doug Wilson. To be fair, I don’t really know if I would like Wilson, as I’ve never read anything he’s written (beyond the occasional blog post). Most people say that he’s a very clever and clear writer, which is why I think he’d be the best person to read on the topic that I’m thinking of. And for those out of the loop (aka the Peninsula), I should say out of the gate that I am not currently thinking about getting married. Please do not check the registry at Target. Just buy me a gift card. Nothing says I love you like a gift card.

Anyway, I’m thinking about reading Wilson’s stuff on marriage, not so much for a view about marriage, but a view about the church. I recently found out that there is a VERY different view of the constitution of the church as a covenant community than the model that I’ve thought of in the past, and it distubs me. Greatly. How disturbed am I? I would describe it as the kind of mad that makes you want to puke in a stranger’s lap. How’s that for a fun little mental image at 11:30 at night?

What distrubs me most is how this sounds so reformed, yet so askew. It starts with the idea of families. God works through families. That’s very covenental. That’s why we presbyterians baptize babies, right? We believe that this model was begun in the Old Testament, and explicitly continues into the New Testament. The promise to Abraham was to him and to his children, and the message of the apostles went from household to household and into all the world. Right? Right?

Well, that’s where the difficulty comes. Notice how I said household up there. This idea that I’m talking about starts with this idea that God has a design for the family, and it is by the family that He shows His ordained order to the world and spreads the holistic message of the Gospel in Christ. And the order in the family begins with the idea of male headship, because the husband is called to love the wife as Christ loved the church, and Christ is the head of the church. So each man is the head (elder) of his respective community of faith.

The role of the local church, then, is to encourage the man as to how to lead his family to the glory of God for the expansion of His Kingdom. This is realized through regular times of family worship and devotions, with the husband and father providing a model of Godly sacrificial servant leadership to those that God has put in his familial charge. The Sunday service is a chance for fellowship, encouragement, and comeraderie as these various communities of faith join together and worship God as a model of the day when all families will be brought together into the perfect heavenly family.

And I think its bunk.

Let me back up again and see if I can show you what I think is my major difference with this model. I stand with the convenentalists in saying that Jesus didn’t just come to save you or to save me. There is no such thing as a lone Christian. God has always worked to redeem a people for Himself. This has always been through families and communities and systems. So the lowest common denominator in Christianity is not the individual believer. The difference between my understanding and the system that I’m trying to understand and describe above has to do with what is the lowest common denominator.

Their answer: the nuclear family. I think that’s a crock.

Why? I’m single.

So was Jesus, so was Paul. Yes, I know that’s a cheap shot and it gets used by singles all the time.

But I’m totally serious here. The reason why Paul appointed elders in each local church was not primarily so that they could instruct men on how to be better husbands and fathers by leading better nightlly Bible studies and encouraging the Children’s Catechism. It’s not. The reason why Paul and the rest of the Apostles instituted the office of elder as a necessary part of the local church WAS to make a statement about the importance of family in the new community of faith. But the new community of faith — the local church — was the new family, the new people of God. This new city was formed from the outcasts and the orphans, those who were not a people and have now become the family of God. Those who were without a father now call God their father.

The local church is not a weekly meeting of various little families of God that get together for some kind of town meeting of sovereign households. The church assembled is itself the family of God, one common household with Godly appointed elders, and we together are connected with the larger body of Christ thoughout the world by the common gift of the Holy Spirit.

And that’s why I want to read Doug Wilson. I want to see if this idea of father-elders that seems consistent with the little I know of Wilson-ites is what I think it is, or if I’m totally off-base. Let me be clear, I’m okay with being wrong on this and misinterpreting people. I’ll happily admit it if I am. Well, maybe not happily. No one is ever happy about being wrong. If you’re happy about being wrong, you’re weird.

I got to thinking this past week about the stock market. Apparently, over the past few weeks, it’s been flirting with an all-time high. All-time. That means higher than pre-September 11th. That means higher than before the doc-com bust. And gas prices are working their way down. A friend of mine payed $1.99 for a gallon in GA, and prices around O-Town are right about $2.40. That’s some pretty positive economic news, I’d think. Yet it still seems like the Republicans are powerless to turn this into noticable momentum for the upcoming election. Strange.

Of course, most of my readers will know that I don’t really care about the economy or politics. Well, I do, but then I also don’t. Not enough to write much about it.

One of the great things about working at my church is that 2 of my elders have been on the examination committee for the prestybery for a while. So they’ve seen a bunch of examinations, and know what will matter when that day comes around (at least for this presbytery). Every once in a while, they’ll give me a little pop quiz, just to see where I’m at. I’m probably weird, but I actually enjoy it.

So a question my pastor asked me a few weeks ago really surprised me. It seemed simple enough, but it got me thinking. “What is the ground of your salvation?” Seems simple, right? I thought about it for all of 2 seconds and said, “the person and work of Christ alone.” I was able to answer quickly not because I’m some kind of genius, but because it’s just one of the five solas, which seem pretty basic to the Reformed faith. My pastor just smiled and told me that all too many candidates across the years have said “faith.” I thought about it a little bit. After all, that’s another of the solas, isn’t it?

I got to thinking of all the times in Christian circles that we tell people to just “have faith.” Or, even worse, say that God is teaching us to “have more faith.” As I’ve been walking into the Counseling program, I’m very aware that this is the picture that many people have of Christian/Biblical counseling. But I think it’s crap. I can’t make myself have more faith, any more than I can give faith to someone else. Faith is a gift from God, which He gives by His grace through His Spirit mediated by the ordinary means of grace.

What does this have to do with stock? So often, it seems to me like we talk about faith like stock, and how you just need to buy more of it to feel more secure or more complete or something. If you feel lacking, just invest more and you’ll have another claim, another piece of that pie. Again, I think that’s crap.

Nothing we can do can drum up another claim on the work of Christ. We all get the same payment at the end of the day. But what I think gets missed is the immense worth of what we have been given in Christ’s work. There’s no need for more claims, because what we have been given is of matchless value. I don’t need to encourage those around me to “invest more” or “have more faith”, but instead to realize the sufficency of the grace that has been given, and trust God that the faith that He grants is enough.

I don’t know if that makes sense, but it did a little something in my brain today that really reassured me. Hopefully it makes sense to somebody else out there.

“I’ll hold you accountable on that.”

I’m sure this guy meant well. I really think he was trying to be nice and helpful and godly and whatnot. He’d asked about a work situation, and I told him what my plan was to get a series of tasks accomplished. But I really don’t know where this guy got the idea that I would want him to “hold me accountable.” This guy is a co-worker, but that’s really as far as our relationship goes. The situation left me a little resentful, maybe even a little angry at this presumption. But – again – I really think this guy meant well, and that he had no idea that he was over-stepping a boundary line. More than that, I think that we have 2 very different ideas of what accountability means in the Christian life.

I’ve been thinking more and more about the idea of accountability since reading this blog post (language and content warning), which features a great example of how accountability groups typically operate:

Accountability Partner #1: So, uh…what’s up, man?
Accountability Partner #2: Nothin’ much dude, what’s up with you?
Accountability Partner #1: Oh nothin’.

Awkward pause

Accountability Partner #1: So, uh….did you, uh…did you do it today?
Accountability Partner #2: Yeah. Twice. What about you??
Accountability Partner #1: Yeah, I did it today and yesterday.
Accountability Partner #2: Man, we should stop.
Accountability Partner #1: Yeah, we should stop.

awkward pause #2

Accountability Partner #1: Well, talk to you later, man.
Accountability Partner #2: Ok, later.

All too often, this is what accountability looks like. A friend of mine told me this weekend that he was leading an accountability group at his church, and the above scenario ran through my head. But … I agree with Clint (the blog’s author). I think that’s an extreme perversion of the Christian life. This kind of zeroing in on one particular behavior looking for externally measureable results seems totally foreign to my understanding of the Gospel of grace in Jesus Christ. It sounds to me more like the classic American dream, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”-kind vision of self-improvement. And I just can’t do it.

I think that we are called to accountability to one another in the Christian life, but accountability isn’t just asking someone hard questions. You can ask anyone hard questions. I don’t need to have a relationship with you to ask you once a day if you’ve read your Bible or prayed for Africa or have indulged some habitual sin. There’s nothing wrong with those questions, and real accountability might include these elements, but they don’t create real accountability. I can answer yes and no questions all day long and never really be honest with the other person.

The true accountability that I’ve seen in my life were in the context of relationships with guys that called me to be genuine with what God is doing in my heart and life. There’s a huge degree of intimacy there, where you open up and are honest about the ways that you need to believe the Gospel in deep ways. But it takes time for people to know your personality and your experiences to be able to know if you’re being honest about where God has you, or if you’re just being evasive.

The sad thing about making these kind of investments is that you can’t control what happens in these relationships. I’ve moved or they’ve moved or gotten married, and suddenly you’re back at square one. Thankfully, God has always been faithful and I’ve always had those relationships around me, once I’m willing to admit my need and reach a little.

Yesterday was a very good day. I spent 11 hours with a bunch of guys from Orangewood as we celebrated the upcoming wedding of my former roommate, Mike Fennema. It was a great day of Go-Carts, video games, lying waitresses (BOO FIDDLER’S!), tons of BBQ, and one of the longest games of Poker ever. We had a run-in with one of Winter Park’s finest, but he was a friend just saying hello. I didn’t get home until after 1, but somehow I was more awake for our two morning services than I normally am (the move from 8:30 to 9 definitely helped!). I’m definitely thinking that maybe celebration is not such a lost art after all.

Mr. Fennema, you a man loved and respected by many friends. May this next week be a wonderful anticipation of the journey of life and love that God has for you and Stephanie. I look forward to seeing you Saturday.

I got some good comments on this morning’s Scriptural Call to Worship, so I thought I’d post it here.

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.” (1 Cor 6:9,11; 2 Cor 5:17,21; Rom 1:16,17)

That last reference from Romans has got me thinking a lot since the service this morning. I guess I should first say that in assembling this Call, I was trying in some way to construct a cumulative parallel to the week’s scripture reading, Titus 3:3-7. The 1st Corinthians passage fit really well, but I wanted to flesh out the idea of the righteousness of God, which pointed me towards the 2nd Corinthians and Romans passages. I love how the passages come together to point towards God’s power in bringing about salvation for a fallen human race. That alone is worthy of meditating on for a day or week or lifetime.

So I’ve been thinking about this power of salvation, and what that looks like in my own life. The words of that Romans passage, placed in this context, just ring in my ears in a new way. “I am not ashamed of the Gospel, for it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.” Most of the time I read that passage, I think of two rather typical evangelical interpretations. The first is the whole idea of being a really bold evangelist, proclaiming the death and resurrection of Christ to everyone. Nothing wrong with that reading, necessarily. If it encourages you to get out there and tell people about Jesus that have never heard His name, great! The other reading I typically associate with John McArthur, decrying churches that have given up their particulars to look just like secular country clubs and leadership seminars. Again, I don’t disagree with this reading necessarily. I think that churches that fail to proclaim the Gospel clearly and regularly have abandoned their mission and cause and should be called to repentance.

But that’s not really what I’m thinking about when it comes to being ashamed of the Gospel. I think a big part of it is the way that I’m thinking of the word “Gospel” in this context. I’m not so much thinking of the historical Christ story, as in reading #1. Nor am I really thinking about the charge of the corporate church to reach the nations with that message, as in reading #2. I’m thinking of something more personal. I’m thinking about the Gospel’s work in my own heart and life: the good news not only that Christ died for me historically, but that right now and in my life up until this point, the Holy Spirit has been at work regenerating and sanctifying me, moving me towards that day of ultimate glorification before the Throne.

That can really be a humiliating process sometimes. It’s often easy to get an inflated ego, and look at all the things that I don’t do or don’t say or those things that I can say and do accomplish. Yet Paul says to not be deceived, for such were you.

I don’t know if anyone else ever feels this way, but I hate giving my “testimony”. For one, I have very little idea what that means. Most testimonies that I hear nowadays are built out of the old revivalist model, where you tell about how horrible and terrible you were as a sinner (and really really sad, because sinners are always miserable), but then FLASH-BANG! you hear some sermon one night and all of a sudden God gives you everlasting joy forever and ever and you never did a bad thing again. Well, I grew up Christian and never really rebelled. Some days I still feel pretty horrible and terrible and really really sad – and I still do bad stuff all the time. So when I’m called on to give my “story” or testimony or whatnot, I often don’t really know what to say. I know God loves me, but I have no idea why. I know He’s placed me here, but I seldom know what in the world He’s hoping I’ll do.

So what does it mean for me to be “not ashamed of the Gospel”? What does it mean for me to recognize that power of God for salvation that He’s been working out in my heart? Am I so decieved where I think that none of this was all that bad and maybe I never really needed a savior after all?

Or maybe it’s not just the Gospel I’m ashamed of. Maybe I’m still a little ashamed of myself, feeling like I shouldn’t really need a savior like I’ve got. Yet such is the mercy of our God, that before I had the need He provided and secured the substance – because in His wisdom and benevolence He chose to set His affection on me. In such grace, there is no more room for shame, because it was never really about me. In this grace, there is freedom. In this grace, there is joy.

Quite a few people have commented on my silence, so I thought it was high time that I start posting again. Thanks to everyone who has been praying for my knee. It’s doing better, but comeback has been slow.

So why have I been so quiet? I’ve been slowly working on a post that I was calling “Living With Pain.” It was supposed to be a little look at some of the things that I’ve learned over the past month dealing with my knee, and now with my back. But maybe the first thing that I’ve learned is how presumptuous such a post would be. Yes, I’ve been in more pain over the past month and a half than any other time in my life. The weird thing is that each time I talked about it with someone, they would tell me about similar experiences they’ve had, or chronic pains that they’ve lived with for years. It exposed the self-interest in me to want to play the victim and wallow in self-pity. It showed me how quickly I want things to just be over with, but I can’t just “deal with the pain” and expect it to be over. Pain doesn’t work that way. You can’t just fix your perspective and expect it to be gone.

I think the most important thing that I’ve learned from the past month and a half is the importance of honesty. Living with pain for the past month has proved to me how empty it is to say “I’m fine” when that’s not the case. But I also started to learn the difference between someone asking “how are you doing” as a social script or a real question. And that it’s ok when it is just a script.
But the biggest part of honesty is just learning how to be silent: learning that I might not have anything to say that will really improve a situation — and that’s ok. It’s not a matter of having a perfect comment or creating the perfect conversation, but being honest and real with where I am.

Sorry if all this just sounds confused and muddled. It is still confused and muddled in my own brain. That’s why I never finalized that post. But, in short, I’m back and hope to be posting more in the near future. Thanks again for reading!

I don’t like to fill up this weblog with typical prayer requests, but I thought I’d throw this one out there. If you’ve talked to me lately, you know that I hurt my knee this past week, and it’s not been getting better. I’m trying to figure out the wise way to care for my health and be responsible to the different callings God has on my life at this point. It’s one of those times you totally wish that life had a pause button.