I’ve decided I would like to see some superheroes with powers that I could actually use. I mean, Superman’s x-ray vision? The vast majority of people have nothing that I’d like to see with that power. Spiderman’s ability to spin webs from his fingers? Sounds kind of gross. The Hulk’s super strength? Sure, it would be helpful when I have heavy things to carry, but who wants to go through that many t-shirts?
So, here is my list of superheroes with powers that would help me out in my life.
Captain No-Doze: When John Brewster fell into a vat of caffeine, he soon learned he no longer needed to sleep. Never tired, no circles under his eyes, no need for a quick power nap. He was the envy of new parents everywhere.
The Eraser: Ever do something really stupid? You probably thought to yourself “I wish I could erase that moment.” The Eraser can. She simply erases the memory of anyone involved in her faux paus. Ask someone when they’re due, only to find out they’re not pregnant? Not a problem for The Eraser. In just a moment, the memory is gone.
Metabolism Man: As a chubby but brilliant teen, Chester Butterfinger experimented with ways to increase his metabolism. But one experiment went terribly wrong, and Chester was left with out-of-control metabolism. He has to maintain a constant diet of milkshakes and hamburgers to keep from wasting away. (Okay, I’m not sure how that’s a super power, but I want a milkshake and hamburger real bad right now.)
The Fashionista: Have a fashion emergency? Just call The Fashionista. Armed with an arsenal of stilletos and hairspray, she can turn repugnant to ravishing. A mutant with curling irons for fingers and the ability to crap sequined handbags (too much? I don’t care) she is like your fairy godmother on steroids.
There you have it. From my deranged head to yours. You’re welcome.
You crack me up! If the Fashionista could see me right now . . . she wouldn’t be happy.
Have a good Labor Dabor! 
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You should totally start a comic book series on these characters. I’m telling you, they’d sell.
May I please be Rewind-a-Woman?!?! Who has a notable friendship with Proverbial Woman. Are you seeing a theme here?
Of course, Fashionista has to wear hooker boots. And the part about the sequined handbags gives a whole new meaning to, “Shoot, my stomach hurts.”
I wan’t to be Metabolism Man AND The Eraser. Hehe. Marvel should give you a call…