the dreaming tree

i’ve been thinking recently that i never use this thing anymore. but that doesn’t mean i’ve stopped thinking about stuff. in fact, that’s the problem. i never feel like i’m fully informed or have completed forming my thoughts enough to put them out for people to read. and usually once i actually do hit publish, i want to go back immediately and revise. a lot of times i think and think about a subject until i find a party willing, or sometimes unwilling, to go through a discussion with me, and then it all comes pouring out. but i’ve been doing that in real life, more than i have in print. but i like to write, and i kind of miss doing that.

recently the big topic of discussion in my head has been politics. i’ve been reading lots of blogs and websites, and i have ideas about stuff, but i like to share those in a setting where i know i’ll get feedback, which (hopefully) further refines my ideas and opinions. (i do have an online forum for that process…it’s called the rumor forum.) but now i’ve been thinking that i’d like to post a little more to this blog. even if i have to go back and revise my ideas later. so i guess the point of this post was nothing at all, other than, perhaps i will post more in the future. haha, that’s lame.

i’m going to try to summarize the conversation i had with just the essentials.

background: i work in a call center for familylife ministries, which has a radio show. so i receive calls from listeners. our program today had parents talking about dealing with the loss a child and how to cope with that…

guy: [with a middle eastern accent] hello, i’m new to this country. is your number an 800 toll-free line?

me: [thinking: didn't you just dial the 800?] yes, it is.

guy: ok, well, i heard your program about people dying, and i want to learn about my grandfather. he was in new york, but i can’t find any documentation about him. he was an upstanding man.

me: … well…ok…

guy: so i’m trying to find out about that.

me: well, good luck with that, sir. but i don’t think i can help you with that.

guy: what about galahad?

[he really did switch to that abrubtly]

me: what? galahad? i’m not sure what you’re talking about.

guy: yeah, sir galahad from the round table. wasn’t he supposed to be like jesus?

me: …

guy: can you explain that to me?

me: yeah, well, he’s a christ figure in some ways, i guess…maybe…

guy: what about arthur? what’s his story?

me: well…um…he’s a legend…

guy: is he real?

me: well, he’s more of a myth at this point in history, but there may have been someone similar to him at some point, historians can’t be sure because there’s so much legend surrounding the story…[and i go on about what i know about the arthurian legend for a few minutes; he periodically interjects more questions]…so, does that make sense?

guy: yes, that makes sense. do i have to give you my name?

me: um, no…

guy: [proceeds to give me his name, which i can't remember] thank you, goodbye.

i really don’t have the capacity to write much now, but i wanted to be sure to put a sentence or two that i could come back to later. this is my last night in fayetteville as a college student. i’m done. i’m leaving here 100% done with my degree. i’m also leaving behind some of my most memorable college experiences, the majority of which have happened within the last year and a half. i want to cry and laugh at the same time. i’m excited about where i’ll meet these people again. i’m planning to meet up with one of my closest fayetteville friends in argentina a few months from now. hopefully i’ll see a couple of the others along the way. and the adventure will be grand. but as for now, this moment is enveloping me.

for those that might still read this and don’t already know, i had my senior composition recital last friday. it wasn’t spectacular, but it happened, and i’m glad it’s over with. although, at the same time, i really wish i had a little more time to make it significantly better. particularly one piece, which i conducted. it was for a small ensemble, and we were only able to rehearse one time…the day of the concert. so that was a little shaky, although it seemed to be ok, because people said they liked it. but they could have loved it. in any case, it was a good experience, only know i’m starved for more like it. but unless i go to graduate school, i likely won’t have too many chances to have my work performed. except for the choir piece, which the choral director told me i could probably get published with just a few adjustments (mainly to make it easier to sing, and thus more effective). so that’s a little exciting, though i don’t really know how to go about that. but anyway, there’s a short, superficial update.

tonight a dream comes true. tonight i get to see joshua bell play. for those that don’t know, he’s one of the top violinists in the world today. in my opinion, the best. i’ve been hoping to see him since i first heard him on his recording of the nicholas maw violin concerto during my freshman year. i’ve been waiting to see him since last year when i learned that he would be playing with the arkansas symphony. it’s going to be amazing. he’s playing the mendelssohn e minor concerto, which is fabulous. and i’m really hoping i get to meet him after, cause he usually hangs out in the lobby to meet people after he plays (so i’ve heard). i really want to get my photograph taken with him. this is about as fan boy as i get. i’ll probably swoon. and it’s going to be so great.

we are the music-makers,
and we are the dreamers of dreams,
wandering by lone sea-breakers,
and sitting by desolate streams;
world-losers, and world-forsakers,
on whom the pale moon gleams:
yet we are the movers and shakers
of the world for ever, it seems.

-arthur o’shaughnessy

i never said it would be easy,
but i never thought it’d be so hard,
cause day after day
i’m still here wonderin’ why
things change and hearts break.

i never liked to take chances,
but i’d wish upon a star;
even in the moon’s shadow,
my dreams make me believe
in something more.

c’mon baby, now, let’s dance
and wish upon a star:
we want dreams worth living,
and a love everlasting

so let’s go for a drive,
far away to another place,
where all i’ve ever wanted to say
is wide awake in your eyes.

and this is the line that is ringing in my ears:

27 years of nothing but failures and promises that I couldn’t keep

that’s from a ryan adams song, if you don’t know (”let it ride”). i’ve been waiting till i turned 27 so i could use it for another fun-filled blog post. pretty sad, i know, but if you know me at all, then you know that i am sad. i don’t want to write another depressive post about how i’m a failure and my life is worthless, but i’m struggling to come up with something more traditionally fitting to the occasion of my birth. maybe later. maybe never.

i finished a book the other night, which was very satisfying. the book was the time traveler’s wife, by audrey niffenegger, and it was an immensely beautiful and moving book. here is a brief summary:

It is an unconventional love story that centers on a man with a strange genetic disorder that causes him to unpredictably time-travel and his wife, an artist, who has to cope with his frequent absences and dangerous experiences.

some of my favorite books appear to be love stories. maybe i’m a lost romantic. i just bought another book that happens to be a love story. it’s called how to kill a rockstar, by tiffanie debartolo. the reason i bought it is kinda bizarre, so i’ll tell you that real quick.

i was on the way home from texas, where i was visiting family for christmas, and, as tends to happen when i drive, lots of thoughts work their way through my head, prodding and poking at my imagination. i was wondering how many of my so-called original thoughts were not original at all. i’m not really talking about thoughts that were disseminated from other sources, or that i can at least trace to a couple of places for the inspiration. i mean just random things that i came up with out of the blue. the reason i thought this was because i was trying to think of clever titles for, say, an album or something. one that i came up with was dreams for insomniacs. and then i had the aforementioned rumination on originality.

fast-forward to that night at the bookstore. the title how to kill a rockstar catches my attention, so i take it off the shelf to peruse. i glance at the author’s bio and read:

tiffanie debartolo is the author of god-shaped hole, a san francisco chronicle bestseller and book sense top 10 selection. she also wrote the feature film dream for an insomniac.

i mean, i almost dropped the book. and then i started laughing (i caught myself from becoming too loud). i pretty much immediately decided i had to buy the book. haven’t started reading it yet, but at least there’s an interesting story for you.

i came here to write about the time traveler’s wife, but i’m not sure i know what i want to say. it was a really well-done book, and i was captivated with the characters. i found myself able to relate to the main character, henry, in a profound way…i think. i’m actually not too sure how exactly i related to him, but there seemed to be a very real connection there, and one that i was not too keen of letting go of as the novel neared its conclusion. i’m certainly going to have to read it again in hopes of finding more clues about that strange association i had with henry.

a large part of it no doubt has to do with the struggle i’ve had lately to really latch on to notions of love and relationship. i’ve found myself in a constant, questioning struggle to really define what it means to be in a loving relationship. i think the real issue, actually, is that i’m not entirely sure i’ll ever be able to handle a relationship like marriage. i work in a place where i encounter brokenness in marriage everyday, mostly from people i’ve never met and never will meet. all i have are these brief nuggets, snapshots from marriage, the majority of which seem to have major troubles. i don’t know that i do well with major troubles.

i came close once to committing my entire life to one girl, and that crashed and was very painful. it still is very painful. i’m not sure how much healing has taken place, or how much healing will take place in coming years. i continue to try to move on, hope another girl will come to take her place, but so far, no one has. i think that would be ok, but more of a concern, i think, is the way my brain has handled opportunities to move on. sometimes i have a sense that my sub-conscious is quietly sabotaging relationships, perhaps trying to protect me from being hurt again. (i’m not sure how accurate a statement like that can be, referring to my sub-conscious. after all, if it’s sub-conscious, how would i know about it?)

i think i am on the verge of writing a lot more than i intended with this, so i’m going to stop spewing forth these sad thoughts.

but i can’t quit thinking them.

there are two of you that want more than this…and i do have a real post on tap, but you’ll just have to wait a little longer for that. until then, here’s an even longer survey/question/wtf? thing. i hope you enjoy it like happy hour at sonic. oh, and i stole it from hannah.

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
open

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
are you kidding?

3. Have you ever had sex in a hotel room?
haha, no.

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
well, i found a stop sign in a parking lot once, so obviously i had to take it, but i’m not sure if that counts as stealing. does it?

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
not particularly

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
no

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
a bear, because at least i have some chance of retaliation

8. Are you currently in love?
wow, this just took a turn for the deeper.

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
no, i don’t always.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
hm…this isn’t the biggest, but it does irk me, and that is when i’m trying to get someone to listen to a new song and i don’t think they’re paying attention like they ought.

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
well, my feet hang off the end of my bed, so…out

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
i’m not sure…maybe

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
of course.

14. Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?
yes.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
no.

16. WHERE IS THIS QUESTION?!?!
i don’t know.

17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins?
which big tins? the ones with lovely christmas scenes and such on the side? i don’t know, it depends.

18. What is your “Song of the week”?
unfortunately, i don’t have one.

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
i hope so, because i do on occasion.

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
if it’s hilarious.

21. What’s your favorite scary movie?
the only one i can think of off the top of my head is the ring, which i guess was ok.

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
why would i bury it? i’d spend it!

23. What do you drink with dinner?
it depends on what dinner is.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
bbq sauce.

25. What is your favorite food/cuisine?
it depends.

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
the good ones.

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
my sister

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
yes (boy)

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
i…don’t think so. unless it guaranteed success for father maple.

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
i think in october.

31. Can you change the oil in a car?
i can check the oil in a car, does that count?

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
almost.

33. Ran out of gas?
yes, a couple of times. and i have two gas tanks.

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
blt (good choice, hannah)

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
it depends, but i really like pancakes

36. What is your usual bedtime?
it depends, but usually around 12 or 1

37. Are you lazy?
completely

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
a salamander. haha, just kidding. that’d be ridiculous, though.

39. WHERE IS THIS QUESTION?!?!
again, i don’t know. i’m sorry.

40. How many languages can you speak?
1.3

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
i think i subscribed to paste, but i haven’t seen an issue to confirm that yet.

42. Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
are you serious? legos, obviously.

43. Are you stubborn?
it depends

44. Who is better…Leno or Letterman?
it depends on who is on, but usually letterman

45. Ever watch soap operas?
no

46. Afraid of heights?
yes, but not airplanes

47. Sing in the car?
if i’m in the mood

48. Sing in the shower?
i have before

49. Dance in the car?
if you want to call it dancing

50. Ever used a gun?
not on a living thing…oh wait, i shot some rabbits once.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
some family picture, i think. couple years ago?

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
it depends

53. Is Christmas stressful?
somewhat, unfortunately

54. Ever eat a pierogi?
i wish i could say i knew what that is

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
blueberry

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
a major league baseball player. i failed.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
maybe

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
who doesn’t?

59. Take a vitamin daily?
negative

60. Wear slippers?
no

61. Wear a bath robe?
never

62. What do you wear to bed?
why should i tell you? (i guess that response hinges on whether anyone is actually reading this.)

63. First concert?
the first i can remember for sure was dc talk. fun times.

64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
wal-mart

65. Nike or Adidas?
it depends which one is on sale, and what i’m trying to buy

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
fritos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
both are tasty

68. Ever hear of, “gorp”?
yay!

69. Ever take dance lessons?
no

70. Is there a profession you could picture your spouse doing in the future?
that’s a weird question. yes?

71. Can you curl your tongue?
no, i can’t…haha, i randomly thought about that last night.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
yes, absolutely.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
i don’t think so

74. Own any record albums?
yes

75. Own a record player?
sort of

76. Regularly burn incense?
no

77. Ever been in love?
yes i have

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
led zeppelin

79. What was your last concert you saw?
starroy

80. Hot tea or cold tea?
hot

81. Tea or coffee?
coffee

82. Favorite kind of cookie?
yum

83. Can you swim well?
moderately

84. Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
what? yes?

85. Are you patient?
depends

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
band, for sure

87. Ever won a contest?
yeah, i won the nifty nutrition drawing contest at school.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
i…don’t think so.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
both are so so good

90.Can you knit or crochet?
nope.

91. Best room for a fireplace?
every room.

92. Do you want to get married?
i’m not sure

93. If married, how long have you been married?
i’m not

94. Who was your HS crush?
the ultimate crush was april, i s’pose.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
no

96. Do you have kids?
no

97. Do you want kids?
sometimes

98. Whats your favorite color?
blue

i’m sure you are all wondering who i talked to last on my cell phone, where my favorite shirt is and how many freckles i have on my arms…well, this post will attempt to answer at least one of those questions, and many others that you will find yourself caring little about. i stole it from amy.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?
loddrick farris. he’s a funny guy who knows lots of words.

2.What were you doing at 0800?
on the way to work. work starts at 8.

3. What happened to you in 2006?
is this the most broad question ever? i think it could only be bested by, what did you while you were a teenager? also, this is 2007. but since you asked, i didn’t do much of anything. i took a couple of online classes in the spring, but mostly i sat at home and was a bum. very exciting, i know. there were no relationships, hardly any drama…sorry for the letdown. get used to it.

4. How many beverages did you have today?
i did not keep count, but i remember for sure 2 cups of coffee, one cup of orange juice this morning and a cup of coke at popeye’s for lunch.

5. What color is your hairbrush?
blue.

6. Where were you last night?
playing poker with the guys (also hannah, who is loddrick’s sister, was there, but she was not playing)

7.What color is your front door?
the outside part is black, or dark blue, while the inside is white.

8. Where do you keep your change?
in my pocket till i get home, at which point it goes into a little wooden tray that is shaped like a whale.

9. What’s the weather like today?
really nice. like in the 50s, i think. a little wet, but it didn’t matter, cause i had to be inside all day.

10. What’s the best ice cream flavor?
it depends. right now i crave mint chocolate chip. and also pecan pralines ‘n’ cream.

11. What excites you?
music. playing music on a stage while people dance. playing frisbee. books…if i walk into a bookstore, i am enchanted. the future (while simultaneously scaring me).

12. Do you want to cut your hair?
no.

13.Are you over the age of 25?
yes. fantastic.

14.Do you talk a lot?
it depends on who is listening and what the subject is. i talk to myself a lot, too.

15. Do you watch the OC?
nah.

16. Do you make up your own words?
i have before. but not really.

17. Are you a jealous person?
unfortunately, yes.

18. Name a friend whose name starts with an ‘A’?
amy.

19. Name a friend whose name starts with a ‘K’?
kara.

20. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
michael wallace.

21. What does the last text msg you received say?
steve telling me he couldn’t come to a movie tonight.

22. Do you chew on a straw?
i usually don’t drink with straws. i think they are a bit tacky. (this is amy’s answer, but i am keeping it in its entirety because i agree.)

23. Where’s the next place you are going?
the dinner table.

24. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
hmm…maybe i shouldn’t answer that. i also can’t really think of someone…other than me.

25. What was the last thing you ate?
a piece of bread.

26. Will you get married in the future?
maybe. i think i’d like to.

27. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the last 2 weeks?
almost famous (the director’s cut)

28. When was the last time you did dishes?
a couple of days ago.

29. Are you currently depressed?
yes…no…yes…no…yes…

30. Did you cry today?
not today.

31. What was the last thing you said aloud?
“she is a state senator now, so she’s living in metropolis.” (i was explaining what was happening in smallville to my mother.)

32. What car do you drive and what Bumpersticker(s) do you have on it?
1992 ford f-150 for about 3 more days, then i’m going to have a 2004 toyota highlander that i’m buying from my grandmother. way out of my league. i like a few window stickers. my truck has the following: dave matthews band, caedmon’s call, razorback, ouachita tiger, play ultimate, mayor dave and the shorter ones. i think i’ll put just one or two on the new car.

33. Why did you answer this and post it?
because i haven’t posted anything in awhile and, well, i kind of like doing it.

so i was hanging out with my friend heather last night, eating dinner at her apartment, when i decided to take a bite of chicken that ended up being a little bigger than manageable. as i was trying to swallow this piece, i began having a little trouble with it, so i decided to drink some water. well, the water wouldn’t go down because my throat was clogged, so that, i think, triggered my gag reflex and i spit up all the water. and that’s when i realized i couldn’t breathe. i also decided at that moment that i might need the heimlich maneuver, so i stood up and turned my back to heather (that sounds more straightforward and undramatic than it actually was, because, well, i was choking, but it was how i was thinking) so she could administer the manuever. i guess until then she still wasn’t sure that i was choking, so she asked me, rather frantically, are you choking? i nodded emphatically yes, then wondered if i needed to do the whole international sign for choking, but she understood, so i didn’t have to. so she climbed up on a chair, because i’m about 15 inches taller than her, and did the heimlich for what seemed like a minute or something, but it still wouldn’t come out. then i realized i was still holding my plate, at which point i just walked away from her and set it down, cause i didn’t want to spill the food everywhere. then i came back so she could keep going. i was really hoping to see a large bit of food fly across the room, but instead it just sort of worked its way down, i guess. felt like it took a few minutes, but i really don’t know. it was pretty exhilirating experience, though. i think i freaked her out more than i got freaked out. and she’s a nurse. but she saved my life, so thank God for her and her nursing skills. and also thank God for heimlich and his maneuver-designing skills.

a few weeks ago, i drove down to dallas to see ryan adams and the cardinals with michael, zach, caleb, daniel and scott. and also 1500 other people who i don’t really know.

michael and i arrived at the venue, which was on SMU’s campus, around 8:00. zach, caleb and daniel got there around the same time. scott didn’t arrive until 9:00 or so. read about his adventure on his blog. it was in a very nice old auditorium, and i think it was a pretty great venue for the show. taking our seats, we were pretty stoked about the upcoming madness. with no idea what exactly to expect, we were quite excited about the possibilities, while at the same time weary of adams’ reputation for having mid-show meltdowns. as we would soon experience, basically the entire crowd had the same thought and treaded softly between songs. and i think the band, and more importantly ryan adams, responded to the audience in a pretty positive way. and by positive, i mean playing one of the best shows i’ve ever experienced. the reason i have not written this post until now is because i didn’t feel like i could offer a truly accurate depiction of my experience. so this is basically just storytelling. in fact, if you so desire, you can listen to the concert streaming on archive.org. pretty good quality, too.

i guess what i can tell you is that i don’t remember the last concert i attended that absolutely screamed at me, “you have to do this…you have to make music!” that was the biggest thing i walked away with, a pressing need to produce the kind and quality of music i heard at SMU that night. i walked away feeling jealous, while at the same time awed, of the masterful work the band had done on stage. while some may be intimidated by an artist of that magnitude, it only makes me want to drop everything and work to get to that level. as michael declared, “emergency rehearsal!”

after the show we drove around hoping to find some beer. unfortunately, texas sucks and there is no beer sold after 12:00. so we journeyed a little more to find an open bar near my grandmother’s house, where we would be staying, and ate some dinner and drank some beer. on the way out, michael and i decided to do some tequila shots. so we went to the bar and stood there while the bartender was talking to a friend or something, with his back turned to us. no problem, i can wait a minute or two…until he turned, saw us, and then turned back around, making no motion to indicate he’d be with us in a moment. then he did the same thing a second time. that irked me, so i rattled an ashtray on the bar just a little bit, just to let him know i did, in fact, want to order something. he responded by walking over and calling us dics, and telling us that he was going to be a dic to us. i was like, look, i just want some tequila, do you think you can do that? so he gave us our stuff, but wouldn’t look at us while angrily counting out change on the counter. it was ridiculous, but i still gave him a dollar tip.

once at my grandmother’s house, which i love visiting and showing to new people, we stood outside, marvelling at what we had seen that night. he played a pretty intense set, which included favorites like “wonderwall,” “come pick me up,” “let it ride,” “o my sweet carolina,” “the sun also sets,” and a startling rendition of “i see monsters,” which almost sounded like a grateful dead song. we also had some great conversation about music in general, and i think politics or something, too, which was weird. all-in-all, it was such a fantastic experience. one day i hope to help create something just as amazing for someone else.

the breath on my neck is not hers
but i wish it was
i can’t say her name
but still it lingers
and my mind wanders back
into traces of old feelings
where her face is faded
and nearly unfamiliar
ghosts of belonging
swirl like a mist
across the water

maybe it’s a rainy day. maybe it’s less sleep. maybe it’s the job. maybe it’s life in general. maybe it’s girls. maybe it’s me.

i only write on this stupid thing when i’m at the either end of the emotional spectrum. only elation or depression can prompt me to type a few words. right now it’s depression. i don’t feel better. my mind is blank. whatever.